


Genji Shimada's Anamnesis

by Queen_Ags



Category: overwatch
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, McGenji - Freeform, Pre-Fall of Overwatch, Suicide Attempt, and it doesn't get much attention until chapter 7, i know why you're really here, i started this before moira was released, mcgenji isn't introduced until chapter 5, so no moira
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2018-09-09 20:06:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 62,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8910235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Ags/pseuds/Queen_Ags
Summary: Anamnesis is the medical history of a patient.Genji always had underlying anxiety, lurking and waiting to drag him down. When Hanzo brings him to the brink of death and destroys his body, Genji's mental health is practically non-existent. He wakes up in Overwatch with Angela Ziegler working hard to keep him alive, despite him yearning for death. With Dr Ziegler's, Co Reyers', Jesse McCree's and a psychiatrist's help, he gradually gets better. But not before he is overwhelmed with hatred for his family.I do my best to keep this medically accurate.





	1. A Predisposition for Anxiety

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to northern-crow on tumblr (who's a great artist btw) for listening to me rambling about this, giving me ideas and criticisms and beta-reading this. She's the fuel of this fic and the real MVP.

Genji always sought approval and validation. He saw his brother, Hanzo, excelling in his training. Despite being more than capable, he knew that he would never be able to compete. He turned to socializing. He was a verbal and comedic child. He called for the attention of his peers and adults. Hanzo would always try to shut him down but his father was amused by his antics. Seeing people laugh and call him charming was almost like a drug. If he didn’t get that validation often enough he’d be convinced by a wrenching feeling that no one liked him.

At a gathering Genji playfully chased the daughter of a fellow yakuza family. She had many times asked him to stop but hearing his friends laugh kept him going. After tackling her to the ground, gravel tearing up her skin, she started to wail. She screamed at him, saying over and over how much she hated him. A strong cold took Genji and he ran away. He hid and covered his ears as people called for him, hearing only his pained breaths. Hanzo found him eventually. Genji sniveled and whimpered that he couldn't control his breathing. Hanzo didn't say anything. He sat down by Genji and placed his arm around him and put Genji’s hand to his chest.

“Just follow my breathing,” he said gently. That was Genji’s first anxiety attack, at the age of 9.

As Genji grew older his life got stricter. He had to wear his clothes properly and needed to act and talk in a formal way. He hated it and rebelled. He threw tantrums. One time he cut the sleeves off his suit. If his mother, Akira, wasn’t there to scold him, Hanzo would smack him in the head. Starting middle school a compromise had been made. With friends and at home he could act more freely. In school and at events he had to be proper. He reluctantly agreed.

Genji didn’t know that it was called anxiety attacks. He didn’t know that there were other people that had them. Often someone said or did something that he interpreted as a sign of distaste at him. He’d stand to the side, breathing heavily and feel like throwing up. Hanzo was the only one who noticed. He was the only one who stood by Genji’s side and laid his hand on his shoulder. Genji never expressed his gratitude, but those moments were what made him feel that he’d protect Hanzo with his life.

Hanzo eventually stopped scolding Genji. Their father said that Genji did no harm and could therefore continue frolicking. He was ¨just a boy after all¨. Genji knew that his father expected less of him and by extension thought less of him. It didn’t matter. There were men and women who threw themselves at his feet. The handsome, charming prince of the Shimada clan, who’d give you a night you’ll beg to experience again. It was shallow, but it satisfied his needs. Akira tried to urge him to pursue more meaningful relationships, that sex was only a small part. Genji didn’t show any interest in her advice.

When their father died, Genji didn’t know what to do. He embraced his mother as she wept. He put his hand on Hanzo’s shoulder as he stoically looked over their father’s corpse, covered in flowers. Akira comforted Genji but Hanzo did not. Hanzo didn’t talk with Genji about their father. He quickly took to his duties as the new head of the clan. Akira and their uncle supported Hanzo and gave him all of their time. Genji was even more forgotten than before. He partied more, seduced more and went on more extravagant vacations with his friends. He was convinced that he was of no use.

It all started when Genji caught Hanzo crying at their father’s shrine. He carefully placed a hand on Hanzo’s shoulder but he swatted it away. He glared at Genji.

¨Don’t show sympathy until you're invested in his work. Don’t care until you’ve earned it.¨

The words shocked Genji. They would repeat themselves many times.

Genji would be dragged into meetings. He did so willingly at first, he thought that Hanzo had a point. However his sympathy didn’t amount to much. It was boring and exhausting. He couldn’t muster any sort of interest in it at all. The temptation of partying, having sex and wild adventures got to him in the end. Genji would sneak out before the meetings began and pass on assignments to other people. Hanzo would scold and yell at him to take responsibility. Genji put up with it for a while, then he snapped. He talked back, calling Hanzo an ¨over-emotional, traditional shithead with no ability to think for himself¨. They stopped talking to each other. The atmosphere whenever they were in the same room was toxic. Akira berated Genji, told him to actually work for the family.

Genji started to look for his own apartment. He had no part in the family business and he hated to be around Hanzo. His relationship with Akira got more tense as well. He saw no point in staying in the main residence. Hanzo took offense and was determined to force Genji to be a part of the yakuza. He cut off Genji’s finances, and all hell broke loose.

Genji stopped behaving and didn’t give a miniscule damn about the business. He didn’t show up to dinners, whether it be in his home or at another’s. He spent less time at home and stayed with friends. Akira got more and more frustrated with him. As did Hanzo but he ignored Genji. Any semblance of their former relationship was gone. When Genji had stayed with a friend for a month, yakuza members showed up and forced him to get dressed. They escorted him on the behalf of Hanzo to the Shimada castle. 

It was ominous to say the least when Genji entered the castle hall. Seven elders, including his uncle, were sitting on both sides. They looked at him with judging eyes. Before him stood Hanzo, colder and emptier than usual. Behind him sat Akira, still and expressionless, avoiding Genji’s gaze. Genji didn't heed to traditions. He had made what many would consider social suicide but he wasn't an idiot. The sheathed katana that Hanzo was holding, not merely resting at his side, gave Genji the last clue. It didn't make sense in Genji’s mind and at the same time it did. All those times Hanzo and Akira had protected, comforted, laughed and talked with Genji may have meant something but in the face of centuries-old culture it was nothing. Genji had seen Hanzo demand his own friend mutilate his hand as a form of apology. He didn't think it was wrong per se but it was chilling seeing Hanzo so heartless.

Now Genji was at the receiving end of Hanzo’s emotionless state. He didn't quite believe he would do it. A small part of Genji vouched for hope. Of course, he was a mess. On the brink of hyperventilating and something in his throat and chest that threatened to spill over. If it was tears or vomit he didn't know. Probably both.

Hanzo’s voice was low, Genji had a hard time hearing what he said. He didn't look at those around him, they didn't matter. What mattered was spotting any form of hesitation on Hanzo's behalf. He couldn't see any. He stood tall and strong. His words were clear and well-thought out, recounting Genji’s crimes and failures with no unnecessary additions. Hanzo grabbed onto the handle of the sword and started walking slowly towards Genji. 

“Mother, don’t make him do this,” Genji blurted out in panic. His voice was wavering. Hanzo stopped and immediately lost his composure. He looked terrified and his eyes started to glisten. Akira looked Genji in the eye.

¨Take responsibility for your actions, Genji,¨ she ordered in a loud, but calm voice. Reality seemed to have shifted in a way. It was skewed and perverted. Genji felt it in his gut, in his eyes and head.

 _“Ryuu ga-”_ Hanzo's voice filled the room. Genji's eyes snapped back to him and his face was far scarier than any demon could be. A piercing hatred and disappointment that was too personal and reality-bending to endure.

 _“-waga teki wo-”_ Hanzo pulled out the sword and dropped the sheath to wield it with two hands. From his arm two brilliant, translucent dragons grew forth, emitting a blue glow. The beasts circled the blade and Hanzo neared Genji. He raised the katana.

 _“-kurao!”_ Hanzo’s voice boomed and with a cutting agony, blue enveloped and burned Genji’s eyes.

  
His last physical reaction, which no one would know, was not his screech but the tears that evaporated before they had time to fall down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical notes:  
> Genji here showcases a variant of social anxiety, that I myself have. Instead of dreading to be at the centrum of attention you crave it. You become anxious if you don't get enough validation. Genji chose to get this acceptance with charm and sex. At this point of his life the illness was more or less low-key. It affected his life and decisions but didn't cripple him. What's mostly important to take away from this is that he his brain has a predisposition for anxiety disorder and, because more than often it comes hand-in-hand, depression.


	2. The Surgeon and The Psychiatrist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Genji's caretakers and their differences

Angela was napping on her desk when she received the message. It said that a top priority patient with 3rd degree burns would arrive in two hours. She stood ready on the hospital roof, holding her arms around her to maintain some kind of warmth. It was an ungodly hour when the carrier landed. Three nurses rushed out with a stretcher and an IV full of blood. The patient himself was covered in a white sheet, as if he were already dead. All she knew was that he was related to the Shimada clan.

 

Angela could see why they called it burns but it was most certainly not that. The man, Genji, had a giant cut across his torso that had been cauterized and he looked like a mummy. He was pale, skinny, dry and hairless. For some reason there was no festering or pus whatsoever. It looked like his very life force had been sucked out. With help of the caduceus staff she checked his soul. It was fickle and wavered between life and death. Brain signals popped up once in awhile on the monitor, like a flickering light. His heart and lungs were barely working and they needed support. Nerve connections had weakened and in his right arm they were completely torn apart. Angela had never seen anything like it.

 

For the next three days Angela would spend all her time and effort on Genji. She cut of all the flesh that was dead and proceeded to put him in a biotic field. It did next to nothing. It was as if the very coding of the cells had been destroyed. But he was still technically alive. There had to be something that could get him back. Angela tried empowering him while he was in a biotic field. After a few hours, a decent amount of cells had divided. She administered nutrition through an IV and did simple tests to see if the brain would respond to external contact. It did, for the most part.

 

After 70 hours Genji finally stabilized. His wounds had closed, his heart and his breathing were steady, with help of course. The brain activity, while minimal, was constant. Angela took a break and went to ask the spy who had saved Genji a few questions. The spy, Kazuhiko, was hesitant at first. He said Angela wouldn’t believe him. She disagreed.

 

¨Have you heard the legends about the Shimada dragons,¨ kazuhiko asked.

¨No. Is it relevant?¨ Angela didn’t have time for trivia.

¨There's always been a rumor that the head family of the Shimadas can control dragons,¨ Kazuhiko explained, fully expecting Angela’s skepticism, ¨Of course we thought it was just a rumor but...¨

¨But it wasn’t,¨ Angela raised a brow.

¨I know it sounds weird but as Hanzo Shimada cut down Genji, there were two blue dragons that came from his arm that attacked Genji.¨ Angela stopped for a second to process what she’d just heard.

¨What do you mean? What did they look like?¨

¨Translucent, blue, glowing, the type of dragons you see in east-asian art.¨

¨You sure it wasn’t a hologram or hard light?¨

¨They seemed to actually devour Genji and he had one too.¨

¨A dragon?¨

¨Yes! One green dragon came from him but the blue ones quickly overpowered them.¨ Angela remained quiet for a moment.

¨There’s no such thing as magic. It must’ve been a trick.¨

¨Like what? What do the injuries look like?¨ Angela didn’t answer but continued to ponder.

¨Yeah… Like what?¨ She walked away with her chin in her hand and eyes looking inward. She headed to her office to go through previous patient records.

 

* * *

 

 

Genji wasn’t in a body anymore. It was more like a rigid, yet mushy mess he was trapped in. He felt the mask around his mouth but it took a moment to realize that the breathy sounds were his. He barely felt the white gown that draped him or the light sheets that covered him. No matter how many times he blinked it was all blurry. It looked like a hospital room. It was white and there were beeping machines with cords leading into him but he saw no details. Despite the unfamiliar place and the weird physical sensations, he wasn’t scared. He didn’t feel anything. Not even when he couldn’t move did he panic. He guessed it was because of his exhaustion. He heard some voices. He couldn’t quite register what they said but it wasn’t japanese. Just as when he had been woken up by Akira or Hanzo, he decided that he was too tired to deal with whatever was at hand and went back to sleep.

 

The dreams were a feverish turmoil. Inhumane, distorted roaring shook his very body. His chest ached and his eyes stung. Akira and Hanzo were there, glaring at him. He couldn’t bear to look at them but no matter where he turned his head, he had a clear image of their haunting expressions.

 _I’m sorry I’m sorry_ _I’m sorry I’m sorry_ _I’m sorry I’m sorry_ _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry_

His face was a wet mess. He went into dogeza*. He wanted so desperately to make it up. The guilt teared at him. When two horrific blue dragons dived at Genji to swallow him whole, his eyes finally opened.

 

It took a moment for Genji to remember that he’d already woken up once. When he raised his arm to his head, there wasn’t an arm. Genji tried again, no arm appeared. He knew he’d moved it. He could feel it. He turned his head and tried again. He froze. The sheet had moved down a bit to reveal the gown's sleeve and only the sleeve. He moved his arm again. The sleeve rolled off and showed a stump on his shoulder. It was sickly pale and scarred. His sharp breaths hurt his lungs. He tried to sit up but it was difficult, like his nerves were lagging. He looked at his other arm. It was intact, fortunately. It was draining to grab the mask. He tried to pull it off but he was too weak. He calmed his breathing and tried another time. He threw his arm to the side. It landed limp on the bed and the mask fell to the ground. He tried to call out but all that came out were wheezing sounds and pain gripped his throat. He started coughing violently with tears welling up.

 

Genji’s eyes snapped to the door as it opened. It was blurry but he could see a blonde person. They rushed to the bedside.

 

¨You can’t take off the oxygen mask just yet,¨ It was a female voice. She picked the mask up and put it back on.

¨Don’t worry, you’re safe,¨ she smiled, ¨My name is Dr. Angela Ziegler and I’m here to help. Tomorrow I’ll consider taking off the mask.¨

Genji stared at her. He didn’t know what to say.

¨Can you understand me,¨ she asked. Genji gave a slow nod. That tiny action was so tiring.

¨Good. There’s a lot to be done and a lot of questions to answer but I first just want to make some checks. Is that ok?¨ Genji didn’t respond. The woman stood silent for an awkward moment.

¨Well, you don’t really have much of a choice.¨

 

The woman did the standard procedures. She checked his pupils, his pulse and asked him the standard questions. As Genji tried to answer he only managed to let out a mess of sounds that barely resembled what he wanted to say. He tried again and again out of frustration.

¨Stop,¨ said the woman, ¨you’ll only damage your vocal cords further. Don’t worry we can fix it. I’ll ask yes and no questions. You'll nod and shake your head in response. Do you understand?¨

_Don’t treat me like I’m brain dead._

Genji nodded.

¨Good.¨

_She’s so patronizing._

¨Do you know who you are?¨

A nod.

¨Do you know what happened?¨

Still for a second, not out of confusion but rather disbelief. He nodded.

¨Do you understand the state you’re in?¨

Genji nodded and shook his head.

¨Yes, I guess it’s difficult to understand when you’ve just woken up.¨ She sat down on a chair nearby. ¨I don’t know what caused your injuries-¨

¨Dr-dr….a..nss...¨ Genji forced out a sound.

¨Please, don’t strain your voice, we’ll figure this out later.¨ He resigned, more than a little frustrated. ¨You are not paralyzed but your muscles and nerve connections are very weak as are most of your organs. Your cells don’t divide without help either and we had to amputate your right arm. Don’t worry though, I can fix you.¨

_Friggin how?_

Genji maybe should have felt more intense feelings, but it was all mild irritation and confusion.

¨Oh! I almost forgot. This is Overwatch. You are in our custody now.¨

 

Genji thought he already was in hell paying for his crimes but apparently there was one more step to get there. The scenario was equivalent to ¨if you won’t support the clan you might as well betray it¨.

_They’re gonna interrogate me. They’re gonna force me to spill every secret. I can’t. I can’t let Mother and Hanzo down any more. No._

¨Calm down,¨ said the woman and laid a hand on his shoulder. The heart monitor was beeping quickly and loudly. ¨We are not going to hurt you. We want to help you.¨

_Bitch, there’s no way I’ll trust you._

 

Genji had no intention wasting more energy on her. He closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

¨Right, you must be very tired.¨ He heard the chair squeak as she stood up. ¨I’ll see you tomorrow.¨ The door opened and shut. He didn’t fall asleep. He laid still and stared into space with nothing but the beeps of the heart monitor keeping him company.

 

_No matter how you twist and turn it, it’s my fault. I knew from the very beginning what I had to do. I even had it easier than Hanzo. Of course he hates me. No matter how hard he worked I got to do whatever I wanted. Mother tried to warn me. She tried to get me to work because she, Hanzo, everyone knew what was gonna happen. Even I did but I’m just a stupid piece of shit. I abandoned them when Father died, left all the work to them. I never did anything useful. I never have. Of course they killed me. Of course. Of course of course of course of course of course of course_

Tears pressed forth and rolled down his uneven skin. He made disgusting gurgling sounds that was supposed to be sobbing. His chest jumped with jagged breathing and it hurt.

_I can’t even die properly. Even now I’m a liability. But I won’t say anything. I won’t do anything to betray them even further. I’ll die. I’ll wait for my chance and die._

 

* * *

 

Louise was intrigued by Genji. With one look she could see what had happened to him was not normal, and she really wanted to know what it was. Genji didn't show any sign of acknowledgement to her. He was looking to the side, spacing out. She took a seat beside him and noted his lack of response.

 

¨Mr. Shimada, my name is Louise Hedberg,¨ she started, ¨I’m the head psychiatrist at Overwatch. I'm going to ask some simple questions.¨ No response from Genji.

She had diagnose countless of inmates and deemed them capable or not to be interrogated before but they could all talk.

¨Can you nod for yes and no questions?¨

He didn't respond.

¨Do you know where you are,¨ she said and waited for an answer.

¨Do you know the condition you are in?¨

¨Are you scared?¨ 

¨Do you want to watch or read something?¨

Genji was completely apathetic.

_ This boy ain’t giving Reyes anything. I have to know if he still has attachments and if he's suicidal. _

¨Do you miss home?¨ Genji shot a glare at Louise. She noted it but wasn’t sure what it meant. She sat quiet for a moment and tried to figure out how to get to him.

 

  _Sure enough, him being unresponsive to not only me but everyone hints of his depression. But how far does it reach, and does he feel like he deserves to die?_

 

¨I’ve dealt with people whom tried or even succeeded with honor suicide,¨ _I might as well get straight to the point,_ ¨Do you think you’ll be one of them?¨

Genji looked at her. It was a response that showed that she had hit close to home.

 ¨Do you feel like you deserved this?¨

 Genji's face tensed up.

 ¨There’s a very real possibility that you’ll die from your injuries, do you look forward to that?¨

 The sentence kept Genji’s gaze at Louise. It wasn't hostile. It showed interest.

 ¨Would you like us to let you die?¨ 

 Genji eyed her. Louise could see his face soften. He promptly turned away, as if his face revealed too much.

 ¨I'll see what I can do.¨

 

He glanced back at her, like a scared rabbit being offered vegetables. She stood up and gave a quick bow.

 

¨We’ll talk again soon,¨ she said as she left.

 

* * *

 

 

¨He won’t be responsive to interrogations and I don't know if he's still loyal to the clan,¨ Louise said as she munched on a piece of chocolate.

¨That’s what I feared,¨ Reyes leaned his elbow on the table and stroked his beard, ¨and tortu-¨

¨He won’t survive even the most minimum of torture,¨ Angela interjected, angry at the mere suggestion.

 

They were sitting in Reyes’ office. It was minimalistic and practical with dark natural colors. The most important thing was that this office had the comfiest chairs in all of Overwatch and Blackwatch.

 

¨He’s not worth much to us at this point,¨ Reyes sighed.

¨A few weeks with psychiatric treatment will at least make him talkative,¨ said Louise, ¨but do you even wanna spend the money on him?¨

¨It's worth it considering he’d basically guide us into their castle.¨ said Reyes and leaned back in his chair.

¨I can keep him alive and help him recover,¨ said Angela, ¨We shouldn’t be discouraged by this.¨

¨Recover? What do you mean by that,¨ asked Louise.

¨There’s lots of handicapped people living a good life and I have some ideas on how to restore him.¨

¨Ziegler, we are not gonna keep him alive,¨ Reyes stated.

¨Why not? He’ll help us. There’s no reason to sentence him to death.¨

¨Overwatch is not gonna put money on keeping him alive for the sake of keeping him alive.¨

¨Yeah, he’s not worth it,¨ said Louise. 

¨Is he suicidal,¨ asked Reyes.

¨I'm 70% sure he is,¨ Louise answered.

¨If he is we can use that. Offer death as a reward for talking.¨

¨Stop using death as leverage,¨ Angela chided, ¨We should not conform to his suicidal thoughts.¨

Angela looked at Louise. Louise leaned back, sighing. She looked reluctant.

¨Why aren't you saying anything against it?¨

¨It's cruel but cheap,¨ Louise mumbled.

¨How can you even consider it,¨ Angela exclaimed.

¨I'm not actually gonna let that happen. There just might be some kind of leverage involving death we can use.¨

¨How on earth can you even consider that-¨

 

¨Calm down,¨ Reyes demanded. The two women looked back at him.¨Angela, this is Blackwatch.¨ Angela huffed, irritated. ¨There’s three things I want; to know the state of Genji Shimada's mental health, see if he's still loyal and for him to live long enough for us to find out. These are your assignments. Given that he probably has depression, we could easily manipulate it against his family.¨

¨We are not-,¨ Angela snapped.

¨I guess. As long as he isn't in suicide mode,¨ Louise agreed.

¨What kind of psychiatrist are you,¨ Angela berated Louise.

¨A good one,¨ she defended herself, ¨and I understand that Shimada is a criminal that can help us help Japan.¨

¨That’s right,¨ Reyes said, ¨Don’t think of him as a victim.¨

 

Angela sighed and crossed her arms, visibly angry.

 

¨Thanks for the meeting,¨ Reyes said, ¨You know what you’re supposed to do. Get going.¨ He waved them away.

 

As they walked the corridor together from Reyes’ office, there was a tense silence between Louise and Angela.

 

¨Have you look at his criminal record,¨ Louise finally said.

¨Yes,¨ Angela answered, ¨but everyone deserves a second chance. You said so yourself.¨

¨I know and I do believe it but it’s not that simple. He’s handicapped beyond repair and will cost a lot of money. Unless someone wants to take personal custody of him I don’t support keeping him alive when he’s no longer useful.¨

¨You’re very cruel, Louise,¨ said Angela.

¨Wouldn’t it be cruel to use innocent people’s tax money to keep a murderer alive,¨ Louise retorted, ¨If he was just a street gang member it would be different, but he was in the thick of it.¨

 

Angela blew air from her nose.

 

_I won’t let this opportunity slide._

* * *

 

It was like trying to catch a rabbit. You only get one chance 'til it’s gone. Angela was sitting in her office, gathering documents and writing up a new one. She’d dealt with people handicapped by war. She’d dealt with injuries that couldn’t be healed. Throughout her career Angela has worked on and collected from other physicians ways to either restore or help the handicapped.

On her screen were 3D sketches of prosthetic arms and legs, voice boxes that omnic use, support rigs for spines, sketches on how to connect nerves to an artificial one. There were thesis’ on how to scale down lung and heart support machines to implant in the body.

Hour after hour she compiled the information. As the sun began to rise she pulled up a photoshop document and started sketching.

When Angela started misspelling or redrew a line ten times, she decided to take a nap. She collapsed on the couch in her office. With heavy eyelids she forced herself to send a text message to Louise. She hoped she had spelled everything right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, I certainly didn't intend to make Louise so unlikeable :/ Especially since she's based off of me. Yes, it's a friggin self-insert OC but this story needed a psychiatrist and I was not about to let this opportunity slide. Anyway, she'll soften up, give her some time.
> 
> *Dogeza is a type of bow where you press your forehead to the ground begging for your life or forgiveness.
> 
> Medical notes:  
> I don't really know the procedures one takes with a patient like Genji. His psychiatry session was hard to write given that I'm used to patients that can talk and are willing to cooperate.  
> But what has happened to Genji mentally is basically trauma shoving his stability down a pit. If you have a predisposition for mental illness, trauma and stress feeds it. A sudden event like what Genji experienced can jump-start severe depression. It is also common to become depressed having experienced physical trauma or change. Some people after getting heart surgery become depressed simply because it was a big change and the brain freaked out.
> 
> So mentally wise his case is not unique. Many people experiences this and it is very much treatable. Although not every doctor is good at detecting depression in a patient -.- Thankfully this is in the future where mental health is a bit more well-known and psychiatrists are called in immediately. That is my headcanon at least.


	3. No matter how politely you say no, you will be healed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The decision to make Genji Shimada a cyborg is made.

Knocks on the door woke Angela up. It was a slow and groggy awakening. Even when she stood up everything was fuzzy.

  
¨Who is it,¨ she tried to sound awake.  
¨It’s me,¨ Louise’s voice rung from the door.  
¨Come in,¨ Angela yawned and gave up all effort. She plumped down in her chair. Louise entered, looking far more attached to reality.

  
¨Thanks for coming. Please close the door,¨ Angela mumbled and rubbed her eye.

  
¨You're beautiful even when you’re a mess,¨ Louise chuckled and sat down on a chair beside Angela.  
¨Thank you.¨

  
Many expected the brilliant Dr. Ziegler to be organised but her desk was a mess. Notes of various kinds, doodles of ideas, patient records and important documents laid scattered all over, not leaving an inch of the table clear. Some poor papers were stained with coffee and there were used mugs littering the place. Not to mention the candy wrappers that had failed to be thrown into the trashcan. There was a good amount of dust as well. Angela did not like having cleaners messing with her ¨oragnised¨ chaos. At least the window was open, letting in a fresh breeze that minimized the awful caffeine smell. Louise would normally never step foot in there as the mere sight of it gave her an headache. However, receiving what could be misinterpreted as a drunk text made her excited to see what Angela had been working on.

  
Angela brought up a folder on the computer labeled ¨cybernetics¨. Louise raised a curious brow. Angela opened a document that was a sketch of a cyborg. It pointed out the prosthetics, voice box, nanobiotic skin, lung- and heart support and more. In the corner was the subject’s name, ¨Genji Shimada¨. Louise sighed and rested her chin in her hand.

  
¨Well, I’m not surprised,¨ she said, ¨but I won’t support it.¨  
¨Why not,¨ Angela asked, irritated, but she had anticipated the reaction.  
¨Again, he’s mafia,¨ Louise answered bluntly and looked at Angela, ¨he cut a guy’s arm off cause he ‘offended’ him.¨  
¨Okay, but why aren’t you willing to give him a second chance like McCree?¨  
¨McCree didn’t cost thousands of dollars.¨  
¨You know I can’t abandon someone when I can help them.¨  
¨Oh, darling, Angela, you’re too kind,¨ Louise sighed, ¨you know that this will go against your values.¨

Angela looked begrudgingly at the screen.

  
¨Overwatch and especially Blackwatch won’t greenlight this unless you make him into a weapon.¨  
¨It’s better than being dead.¨  
¨He’s gonna be dehumanised.¨

  
It got quiet. Both of them stared at the computer. Angela wondered how she could justify this to Louise and herself. She knew she had to do it. The fuse had already been lit and it was her job to make it reach the gunpowder.

  
¨It’s too big of an opportunity to pass,¨ Angela coaxed, ¨the research we can get out of this will be invaluable for so many people.¨

Louise gave a sound of reluctant agreement. She leaned back in her chair and folded her arms.

  
¨The guinea pig won’t be willing though,¨ Louise pointed out.  
¨Why?¨  
¨Like I said, the boy’s suicidal. He’d never agree to this.¨  
¨Oh, and you’re too incompetent to fix that,¨ Angela countered with a smirk. Louise made an exasperated expression and leaned back her head.  
¨Angela, hubris will be your downfall,¨ Louise exclaimed and looked at Angela again, ¨you know what they will use him for, right?¨

Angela went stiff for a second. It was a thought she wanted to avoid.

  
¨They are going to pin him against his own family and friends.¨  
¨His family killed him,¨ Angela reminded.  
¨Life-long affections are difficult to kill. I understand the need for immoral tactics but forcing a guy to fight his loved ones is too cruel.¨  
¨I know, and you and I will make sure that he won’t get that assignment.¨  
¨How?¨  
¨We’ll say he’s too mentally unstable to handle it. I don’t think that will be far from the truth either.¨  
Louise sunk deeper into the chair.

  
¨You’re ready to go against your beliefs for this? Why would you even consider it,¨ Louise asked earnestly.  
¨Besides doing everything I can to save my patients, it’s the opportunity to learn more about what keeps us alive and how to protect those functions. The last thing I want is to make him a weapon but I’ll never get a research opportunity like this again,¨ Angela spoke with resolve.

  
She looked at Louise, silently pleading her to understand and be by her side. Louise was quiet and studied the sketch on the screen. Angela's confidence, her entire demeanor was horribly inspiring. Louise knew she got what she wanted, with just an angelic smile with power hidden behind it. After a moment she straightened her back.

  
¨I will help you,¨ Louise said. Angela’s face lit up.  
¨Not because I agree but cause everyone else will dehumanise him. If I’m apart of the project I’ll have some control.¨ Angela grinned and held up her hand for a high-five. Louise responded to it with a defeated expression.

  
¨Now, let’s talk to Reyes and Morrison,¨ Angela said excitedly. Her whole body had perked up.  
¨Oh dear.¨ Louise dragged a hand down her face.

 

* * *

 

  
It took a few days to be able to get all four in the same place at the same time. When they did it was in Morrison’s office at 10 pm. Both Reyes and Morrison had waited curiously since Angela had said she got an idea. They all sat around the desk, which was a stark contrast to Angela’s. The only thing lying around were some pens and a single folder. The three were drinking coffee while Louise sipped on hot chocolate.

  
¨I’ll get straight to the point,¨ Angela said as she brought up the sketch on her iPad, ¨I’ve found a way to save Genji Shimada.¨ She placed the pad in front of Reyes and Morrison. Angela waited a second for them to look through it properly and assess. Louise leaned back comfortably on her chair while Angela tensed and flexed her hands. Reyes whistled.  
¨Now this I am willing to work with,¨ he said.

Morrison sighed.

  
¨I don’t doubt you could make it work, but I’m not approving it,¨ he said. Angela’s brows furrowed a bit.  
¨Why,¨ she asked.  
¨Well, we can start with the money this would cost us,¨ Morrison said, ¨I don’t know how to get funding from the UN so we can save the life of a long-standing mafia member.¨  
¨It will be research funding and they won't know it's a Shimada,¨ Angela argued, ¨this will benefit medical science greatly.¨

¨Ok, but what were you planning to do with Shimada when he’s fixed?¨

Angela looked to Reyes.

  
¨He would be a great asset to Blackwatch,¨ he said with a hint of excitement.  
¨Why on earth would he want to work for us.¨ Morrison didn’t seem too happy that Reyes was on board.  
¨It’s very easy to use someone when they’re angry,¨ Reyes noted and deliberately avoided Louise’s and Angela’s eyes.  
¨You’re going to send him against his own family,¨ Morrison scoffed.  
¨Maybe, I don’t know. I’m just saying that the chance that he’d be holding a grudge is big.¨  
¨You know the Japanese have a strong sense of loyalty.¨  
¨Which you know I can break.¨ Reyes was full of answers. Morrison sighed and faced Angela.

  
¨You would never create a living weapon,¨ he remarked. Angela had a stern expression.  
¨No, but this is a chance to help millions of handicapped people,¨ she retorted with some reluctance. Morrison was getting more frustrated. He finally turned to Louise.

  
¨What’s the state of his mental health,¨ he asked.  
¨No brain damage, miraculously, but he is depressed and suicidal. He would not agree to the procedure as he is now,¨ she answered.  
¨Then it’s settled. You can’t do this without his consent.¨  
¨No, but we can get his consent,¨ Angela insisted, ¨it’s human nature to do anything it takes to survive. As soon as he gets a healthy mind again he’ll agree.¨

Louise nodded in agreement. Morrison pinched the bridge of his nose.

  
¨This would not look good publicly,¨ he continued arguing.  
¨The public won’t know, he's going to be in Blackwatch,¨ Reyes stated the obvious, ¨and on all the forms that have to be accessible we’ll write it’s for research.¨  
¨Jack, you don’t understand this kind of stuff but I’ll never get a chance like this again,¨ Angela pleaded. Morrison leaned back and sighed.

  
¨Even if he has no loyalty towards his family he could still be dangerous,¨ he said.  
¨I have no doubt Reyes can keep him in line,¨ Louise chimed in.  
¨I’ve dealt with rowdy kids before, y’know,¨ Reyes smirked.

  
Morrison did not seem happy at all. He looked at the three opposing him and was more than done with their crazy ideas. He was tired too.

  
¨No. And that’s final,¨ he asserted and drank the last of his coffee.  
¨But-,¨ Angela exclaimed. Reyes looked annoyed but not surprised. Louise did feel a tinge of disappointment.  
¨There’s too many risk factors and it’s not ethical,¨ said Morrison. Reyes scoffed at the word ¨ethical¨.

Angela looked at Morrison with irritation. She grabbed her iPad and stood up.  
¨Tomorrow you’re getting an extensive list on the advancement this would lead to in biotechnology,¨ she said with no room for argument and turned to leave.  
¨Wait, no-,¨ Morrison called. Angela exited and slammed the door. He laid his head in his hand.

  
¨You walked right into that one,¨ Reyes teased.  
¨I don’t have time for this,¨ Morrison lamented.  
¨Just get Siri to read it for you,¨ Louise said and gathered her things.

  
¨Why do you want to do this,¨ Morrison asked her.  
¨Besides it being interesting, I don’t want Genji to be dehumanised,¨ she answered.  
¨Then we can’t give him to Reyes,¨ Morrison joked, deadpanned. Reyes looked peeved at him.

  
¨Hey, remember when you called McCree 'an animal'?¨ Reyes said.  
¨Oh my god, Reyes, not again,¨ Morrison groaned and covered his face with both his hands.  
¨The poor boy had been humiliated enough.¨ Reyes continued.  
Louise chuckled.

"I would lie if I said I didn't have reservations," said Louise, "but Angela is sitting on something great.  
¨Mm.¨ Morrison rubbed his eye and grabbed his cup.

  
¨I need more coffee.¨

 

* * *

 

  
Since then Angela made a visit to Morrison’s office every day. Each time she gave a new list of pros the procedure would result in and plans on how to execute it. Reyes would occasionally chime in all the combat advantages they’d have with a cyborg that had the Shimada skill set. Louise kept out of it.

  
One week later and an almost complete plan of operation, Morrison gave up. Angela was beyond giddy. She, Reyes, Morrison and Louise started building their case to present to the UN. The board consisted of people who were too concerned with appearance and being morally upstanding so Reyes and Angela would not be in their favor. They’d barely heard of Louise; so Morrison was their ace.

  
With all of these negotiations ongoing, Genji was none the wiser. He spent days in and out of drug-induced coma. They played music and movies when he was awake, nothing getting to him. Both Angela and Louise were busy but they’d come and keep him company as often as they could. Angela more frequently than Louise. He was not responsive.

  
After three weeks of debating they finally got approved and a budget. Away from the UN's eyes, Morrison set clear terms regarding Genji. This was Genji Shimada’s sentence instead of prison or death row. If he showed any hostile signs or tried to contact the clan he were to be executed. It was top classified and he were to be treated in Blackwatch headquarters. His surgeon would be Dr. Angela Ziegler and his psychiatrist would be Dr. Louise Hedberg. All procedures were to be made with minimal pain, and in humane ways. Genji Shimada was to be combat ready in 18 months. His superior would be Commander Gabriel Reyes with Strike Commander Jack Morrison overseeing. Torbjörn Lindholm would cooperate with the prosthetists to design limb enhancements that were going to be optimal for combat and were weaponry in and of themselves.

 

* * *

 

  
Genji called her the ‘Blonde Bitch’. She was beyond annoying with how she tried to create a bond with him. If he was his former self he’d scare her away by being a sleazy creep. She always had an irritating smile and tried to act like they weren’t gonna make him work against his family. Sometimes she had glasses and sometimes not, which he found to be a bit odd but whatever. In order to cope when she was doing some kind of test on him, he made up one vulgar nickname after another. But those tests were nothing compared to when she played therapist. It wasn’t often but she’d sit down beside him and ask how he felt. It was infuriating and she always asked the weirdest questions.

  
¨Do you feel like you deserved this?¨  
¨Do you often feel like throwing up?¨  
¨Do you want to die?¨  
¨Do you sometimes feel like you’re not a real person?¨

He zoned out pretty quickly.

  
Genji didn’t like the questions because he did feel it. It had happened before too but it was seldom. Now the sensation happened everyday. As if the color and lineart of him didn’t align. Like he was playing a game but there was latency. Like he wasn’t in his body, just a consciousness that bumped into it. That was his greatest comfort. He was free in this surrealism and clung to every second he could be in it. More and more it convinced him of the falsehood of his current reality. It told him that it was just a dream, or maybe he had died but his spirit had gotten stuck in another’s body. Of course he knew rationality and when he exited the state he was stuck in reality, but that was worthless to him. Believing that the situation he found himself in was wrong and that there was an escape was more than comfort, it brought him peace and hope. Genji didn’t know how many hours he spent letting his mind slip out but it was enough for him to miss the sundown and sunrise. It was enough for him to not feel the needle when he got a shot every morning and night.

  
They implanted a voice box, which Genji understood why. They needed to hear him clearly when they were gonna interrogate him. He didn’t understand the top quality prosthetic arm. He didn’t ask, he wasn’t interested in talking with them. He only got more questions as the activity around him increased. Genji let them do whatever they wanted, it wasn’t like he could resist. If he persevered they would eventually interrogate him. When that would fail, they’d execute him. Beside not feeling like a real person, fantasising about death was his other hobby.

  
One morning, after a nurse had finished giving him his liquid food (they had told him what it was called but in the end it was just liquid food to him), two blonde doctors entered the room. Looking exactly the same but one had glasses and the other didn’t. It was a trippy thing to say the least and Genji thought that he finally had gone insane.

  
¨Good morning, Mr Shimada, how are you,¨ the non-glasses one greeted. Genji tried to not look confused.  
¨Have you tried to talk more,¨ the glasses one asked, ¨so we know the voice box is working.¨

Genji looked at her for a second and managed to realise that there were two blonde doctors all along.

  
¨Unko kutte shine*,¨ he grunted.

The non-glasses one lit up, happy that he finally talked. The other looked suspiciously at him.

  
¨We have some great news for you,¨ Non-Glasses smiled and started setting up a hologram. Glasses gave a worried look to Genji. He gulped silently. In front of him popped a translucent screen up with the picture of a robot. He couldn’t read the labels that pointed to different parts of it. He could however read the name in the upper left corner, ¨Genji Shimada¨. He felt cold and his stomach became void.

  
¨I have figured out a way to ‘restore’ you,¨ Non-Glasses started explaining. She talked about restoring him using artificial skin and giving him prosthetic legs, even though he still had his own left. He would have a mask with a visor that enhanced his sight. They would implant lung- and heart support and give enhancements to his muscles.

  
Slowly Non-Glasses voice became incomprehensible. He heard her but he couldn’t concentrate on the words. His tired eyes strained on the image before him and begun to sting. Breathing started to hurt and his throat was tight. His chest heaved with jumpy movements. ¨Aaah… Aaah...¨ He made breathy sounds, a prelude to a scream. Surely he wasn’t in a body anymore. His lineart and colour didn't align but now it was horrific.

  
Genji startled and his prosthetic arm swatted to the side. Glasses had laid a hand on his shoulder. She backed away and looked at him with pity. His breathing got more jagged and violent. His sounds got louder and longer.

  
¨Genji,¨ Glasses whispered and reached out for him again.

It was an eruption of a shriek that quickly burst into buzzing and crackling. A human voice interrupted in half-seconds. He hunched over, tried to pull his knees up but only managed to move them a few centimeters. His mechanic arm clutched to the side of his head while the other one desperately tried to move. The solid metal fingers pressed against his skull to the point of a pulsing pain. The noise jumped from crackling screaming to sharp gasps. It was terrifying. He wasn’t being tortured by something external. The very thing he lived in was torture. He couldn’t control it. Tears streamed down and burned his cheeks. His vision, that already was bad, started to go out of focus even more. The noise around him became more distant. He felt exhaustion taking over. Genji closed his eyes and tried to stop his breathing. Everything stopped and there was only dark.

 

* * *

 

  
The clock showed 22:34. It was quiet save for Angela’s tinkering on Genji’s prosthetic arm. She was cutting, replacing and reconnecting wires. Genji had retreated inwards again since the panic attack earlier. Angela had started working full-time on Genji’s cybernization and later that week they would amputate his legs. She didn’t feel bad, she was sure he would eventually be grateful. She usually spoke to him, mostly about happenings in the world. He never responded.

  
At the moment Angela didn’t have anything to report on and didn’t know what other topics she could talk about. Genji looked away from her, like always. He did seem physically better. His skin had gotten more color and his scars had eased up a little bit. Hair had even started growing, albeit slowly and only in certain spots. Angela smiled at that and felt that they had already made great progress.

  
She put down the scalpel she was using to cut the wires and turned around to grab another cord. She heard a faint ting and looked back. She saw Genji bringing the scalpel to his throat. Angela snapped into action. She grabbed Genji’s arm and pulled the scalpel from his hand. She threw it to the side. As she faced Genji to berate him, hard and cold metal wrapped around her throat. It squeezed and a dry pain started to choke the air from her. She gasped and pulled at the mechanical arm that was designed to be stronger than a human one. Her breaths were raspy and with watery eyes she glanced at Genji. His expression was empty save for a few tense muscles and sharp pupils. He had that look of concentration she’d seen in so many soldiers as they shot to kill. Angela’s sounds got weaker and harder to emit. It was a burning, tight ache that made her dizzy. She grabbed onto the wires exposed on his arm and ripped them out. She felt an immediate release of tension and teared his arm away from her.

  
Angela stumbled from the bed, hunching over and coughing violently. She gently laid a hand over her throat and took desperate breaths. After a moment of collecting herself and letting the fear subside in her chest, she looked up. Her heart jolted as she saw Genji smile for the first time. It made her sick. She blinked a few times, sending a tear rolling down her cheek. The smile remained. He looked satisfied and victorious.

  
¨Now they have to kill me,¨ his raspy, robotic voice said. The realisation hit her and her eyes widened for a second. She shook the feeling and stood up straight.

  
¨No one will know,¨ said Angela. Genji’s smile vanished in an instant. He looked like a desperate child. ¨And if you try to tell anyone, I’ll say it’s drug-induced rambling.¨ She thought she heard the echo of a whimper.

  
Angela neared him again to repair his arm but he pulled away. With a cold glare he growled.  
¨You sadistic bitch. You’re worse than Hanzo.¨ Angela’s expression remained neutral. She collected her equipment in stiff silence and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna point them out but there's so many plot holes and jumping over the shark here when it comes to practical stuff and frankly I don't have the energy to deal with them.
> 
> *Eat shit and die
> 
> Medical Notes:  
> Being depressed and suicidal doesn't make you murderous but since Genji is used to killing he sees no problem in strangling Angela.
> 
> Basically all of his negative behavior and thoughts here is fueled by depression. But since he's a spoiled brat this behavior comes easier to him.
> 
> His panic attack is based on what I've experienced myself.
> 
> Panic attacks comes from anxiety, not depression.
> 
> The funny thing with having both disorders is that they kinda contradict. Anxiety is a cry for help while depression makes one retreat inwards.
> 
> Angela would have to get approval from the ethics board to do the cybernization. Don't really know if she would get it so I kinda ignored it???


	4. Patient believes he has agency; over-enthusiastic doctor says no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angela dictates Genji's days and Gabriel makes his move

If Genji felt murderous intent towards The Blonde Bitch before, then now he had full on sadistic plans for her. She had dared to give him a schedule. Earlier he had been in medically-induced coma for most of the time and that was just fine and dandy but now that Bitch dictated his whole day.

 

Genji was woken up at 7 am and presented with the new time table. He wanted to scream. He glowered at the Bitch as she tried to fix his arm. He swatted her away and when she tried to grab him he spit at her. She made a grimace as the gob landed on her cheek. She didn't say anything when she wiped her face with a cloth and glared daggers at him. A nurse came forward and held down his arm as the Bitch fixed it up.

After that he got liquid food for breakfast and was injected with whatever mystery substance they felt were necessary. Then at 9 am it was exercise. It was a fit, 60-something year-old woman who waltzed into the room with a horrifically chipper attitude. The Bitch of course was there too to supervise. The mad scientist didn't stray far from her test subject. The trainer _tried_ to get Genji to do simple things. Like lifting his flesh arm and legs up and down and lifting weights with his prosthetic.

After an half-hour of trying to get Genji to do these things and not succeeding, miraculously the trainer was still happy, it was time for humiliation; getting washed. It was two male nurses that weren't nearly handsome enough to touch him that helped him get cleaned. The Blonde Bitch made sure no one was alone with Genji after what he did. He did resist the first time. He punched the nurses as they tried to strip him. It just ended with them taking off his prosthetic arm and put him on a chair in the shower. Genji squeezed his eyes shut and wished deeply that he'd slip of it and crack his skull on the hard tile floor.

Clean and scarred for life, he was later lying in the “biotic field machine thingy”. He wasn't sure on the name. His father would be proud, Genji for once utilised the breathing techniques he was taught in meditation. It was like an X-ray machine and being in such a tiny space for so long freaked him out. Of course he couldn't call it meditation. One's thoughts were suppose to flow like a river. Genji’s thoughts were focused on his lovers and their bodies.

An hour passed and Genji was propped up on a special chair that helped his back to be straight. The Bitch took all sorts of blood samples. She went around and poked his body in different places. It would've been sexy, he had done doctor/patient role playing and to do the real deal would be a life goal accomplished. Unfortunately he was a living corpse and she was a ****.

Then it was time for treatment of his spine. Which wasn't too bad. He got sedated. He lied faced down on a operating table and she worked to fix what she could of his spine. After waking up and recovering his senses from the sedatives, it was around 4 pm.

 

IT was time for a break. Genji was finally allowed some peace and quiet _._

 _To be subjected to this everyday in order to become a machine is going to be torture_. 

Genji felt around his throat. Right under his skin he could feel a hard surface. He pressed lightly against it. It didn't move. He clenched his fist and took a deep breath. He smashed his metal hand against his throat, throwing him in a coughing fit. He gagged and his body tried to throw up. He could feel the tiny metal box pressing against his windpipe, blocking the air. The pain strained his throat and lungs.

The door flew open and a nurse saw Genji hunched over, holding his throat. He thought he heard her say something. She rushed to his side and forced him to lay down and pulled his arms away. He didn't resist. Other nurses rushed in and held him down by his arms and head. He saw one pull out a scalpel and cut his throat. The pain was nothing compared to what he was already feeling. What came next was utterly disgusting. He felt fingers digging into the wound, teasing the flesh and arteries. It grabbed onto the voice box and pulled it out with a sickening sound. A burst of unrestrained air flowed through and Genji took deep breaths. He relaxed and didn't mind the sticking of the needle as they patched him up.

He was not doing that again. Ever. Firstly, because it was grade A agony, secondly, the Bitch had even more annoying propositions because of it.

“We are going to keep a guard in here at all times. You were lucky that Filippa heard you,” she scolded him, “We’ll implant a new voice box next week.” She sounded very irritated. “Your session with Dr. Hedberg will be postponed til then.”

 

_At least some good came out of it; I won't have to deal with Blonde Bitch number 2._

 

When all was said and done it was time for exercise again. The trainer’s positivity got him on his nerves and he refused to do anything. The Mad Bitch decided that that was enough for the day. Genji was placed on his bed with the TV on. They had taken off his prosthetic and he sat in awkward silence with a stern-looking guard.

 

When the next day arrived, it was time for the schedule to be repeated. What was added was training on controlling his new arm.

 

Things weren't that different without the voicebox, Genji didn't talk much to begin with. Although, he wanted to ask if he would ever eat normal food again.

 

With all the things going on he had less time to let his mind slip out of his body. He missed it a lot. Genji didn't even have time during the night. He was given sleep medication and the dreams were far from sweet. It was an endless torment of Hanzo and Mother recounting his mistakes and failures. He felt shame and guilt prickling his skin. His thought process was disjointed but even in his sleep he thought of ways to escape. If he managed to die without telling Overwatch anything, then maybe in the afterlife his family would at least look at him.

 

Waking up he could think more rationally. Dying was in theory ideal but the only ways available to him were torturous. Now when he was always watched the task became near impossible. He could try to summon his dragon. However that would take a lot of energy and physical strength, something that he felt he'd never regain. He would just have to endure.

 

A week crawled by, the repetitive days melting into each other. Not being able to talk started to irritate Genji. He had some great insults for the nurses and the Bitch. Making them mad and uncomfortable would be a great way to pass time. A new voice box was manufactured and the Bitch implanted it with ease. It was then time for his session.

 

Genji was always anxious when Bitch Number 2 “interrogated” him. Not that Bitch Number 1 made him feel any better. They loomed over him, watched down on him with a patronising smile, talking as if he had difficulty understanding English. They had full control of him, something he had defied his whole life. He didn't even get what Number 2’s job was.

 

She sat in her usual spot beside him, holding her iPad she took notes on. Genji had slowly started to see differences between the two, besides the glasses. 1 had longer and lighter hair. 2 was a bit more plump and didn't smile as frequently. He still didn't remember their names and he couldn't read their name tags.

 

“Was breaking the voice box a suicide attempt,” she asked. Genji looked at her with an unamused expression.

“No, I tried to cough it up but it got stuck,” he replied. She gave him a peculiar look.

“Do you have any intentions to try again?”

Genji remained quiet and stared at her.

“Do you ever get anxious, scared of things that are normally not-”

“What is your job,” Genji interrupted, “what does these questions have to do with anything?”

She sighed.

“You _were_ zoning out when I told you,” she mumbled, “like I explained two weeks ago, I am here to cure your mental illness. Not only is your body broken but your mind as well. Wanting to die, not saying a word or looking at anyone, being anxious 24/7 are not things healthy people do. The trauma you suffered served as a catalyst for your mental illnesses. I'm here to take away as much as I can. The shots you receive every morning are typical psychiatric medications; 10 mg ecitalopram and ,5 mg fluanxol.”

 

Genji stared wide-eyed at her.

_As if things couldn't get worse. Now they’re trying to brainwash me with drugs._

 

“You don't have to look so scared,” she held back a chuckle, “these meds merely give you the chemical substances your brain can't produce on it’s own. Your beliefs and your personality won't be affected at all. In fact I'd say that you'd get back your old self.”

“I am not crazy,” Genji growled, “of course I'm like this. You're the enemy.”

“That's just an excuse. Depression always has some kind of cover up to make it seem like the circumstances are the problem when it's really a chemical one. Of course it's a bit different if you come from a culture that encourages suicide.”

Genji was taken aback by the last comment.

“What do you mean by that?” His voice was bitter.

“You were quite the troublemaker, right? Did anyone ever mention anything about you killing yourself to make up for it?”

Genji looked away.

_I don't need to talk to her anymore. I'm not letting them inject any more of that poison._

They sat quietly for a while, a thick tension that both felt in their stomach. Genji’s breathing got thick and deep. His chest hurt as it heaved. He was scared.

 _I_ _f I let them have their way I'm not gonna be myself anymore._

 

Blonde Bitch Number 2 stood up.

“I'm sorry you feel this way. I promise that you'll get better. You're already talking more than you used too.”

_So that's how they're gonna get me to talk. Drugs._

 

As she grabbed the door handle, Genji spoke in a low, harsh tone.

“When I get my chance I'll stuff your mouth full of pills and force them down your throat.” He glared at her with smoldering hatred. She looked at him for a second with a blank expression. When she turned to leave her face betrayed her. A hint of fear flashed over her features before she closed the door.

 

_Crazy-ass scientists. Can't wait to kill them._

 

* * *

 

 

The day after, Angela, Reyes and Louise were once again sitting in Reyes’ office discussing Genji. He was reading Genji’s physiological patient record.

 

“Has he tried to sabotage something more,” he asked.

“No, he hasn't tried anything since the voice box,” Angela answered.

“I want constant vigilance on him,” Reyes ordered.

“Already been fixed,” said Angela.

“Good,” Reyes put away the record and grabbed the one for his mental health, “Is he getting better?” Reyes glanced at Louise.

“Yes,” Louise exclaimed, “he's showing signs of improvement from his depression. He's emoting more, actually talks and has more nuance to his voice.” Reyes gave a pleased smile.

“However,” Louise continued, “at the moment he hates us. He's threatened to kill me when given the chance. He probably still dreams of dying."

“Yeah,” Reyes didn’t sound surprised, “do you think we can turn this around?”

“Yes, I believe the more he recovers the more clearly he can see the situation.”

“Careful, we don't want him to be too mentally sound,” Reyes said.

“What do you mean by that,” Angela snapped.

“These kinds of meds tend to take away unhealthy anger, something we can use against his family.”

“Mind you, depression does affect one’s reaction time and concentration,” Angela argued.

“Only at a certain level. There's a nice sweet spot where he can function and still be pissed off.”

“That's like making dogs angry so they're extra aggressive against intruders,” Louise said in a low voice, “it's painful for them.”

“I thought you were for manipulating his depression.” Reyes pointed out.

“That was when it was about interrogations, not actually sending him to kill his friends and family,” Louise chided, “a whole lot changes then and he won't be reliable. He's gonna be awful to be around, he'll be reckless, have problems thinking rationally and favor his anger over following orders.”

Angela nodded and gave Reyes a stern look.

“Shimada is going to recover fully,” Angela said firmly, “your plans of making him a vengeance machine won't happen.”

 

Reyes leaned back in his chair and sighed deeply.

“Hedberg, keep doing your treatment. I'll visit Shimada in a few days.”

“What,” Angela exclaimed. Louise put her head in her palm.

“Why are you surprised? We've discussed this. The very reason we're doing this is to use him against the Shimada Yakuza.”

“He won't be able to handle it,” Louise argued.

“I'm willing to try.”

“Why can't you just use him for other missions,” Angela asked.

“You two should stop being so emotional,” Reyes berated, “you knew from the start that this was happening and you have no say in it either. Do your jobs and don't worry about a criminal. He's getting a second chance, a new body that costs more money that most people make in their life-time. We've been nice enough to him already.”

 

Louise cracked her fingers.

“Well,” she started, “you're not exactly wrong.” Angela shot an angry look at Louise. “Look, the research is worth it, Angela.”

“I suppose it is,” she grunted, “I was just hoping for some morality.”

“Hey, it's two birds with one stone,” Reyes pointed out, “you'll not only help handicapped people, but Japan as well.”

Angela huffed.

“Now go, you have your assignments,” Reyes waved them off.

 

Angela and Louise walked together back to their workspaces. It was quiet, not uncomfortably so but it was tinged with defeat.

“Angela,” Louise broke the silence.

“Yes?”

“I'm thinking of getting Shimada a therapy animal.”

 

* * *

 

 

If Genji was thankful for one thing, it was the curtain that went around his bed. He used it to block the view of the window which showed his reflection. The window was actually far enough to make any reflection blurry for Genji but knowing that the grey-ish, hairless thing that moved was him got him close to throwing up.

 

He had gotten a bit more energy, meaning he could move his limbs more. However both his legs had been amputated so he couldn't try walking. He still thought they were there. He spent most time covered in a blanket and it wasn't until he reached down to scratch an itch that he remembered they weren't there. It freaked him out every time.

 

It was the same when he thought of his family. First he'd be in an another reality. A realm where they weren't mad at him. Hanzo was irritable but still thoughtful, Mother was strict yet loving. In less of a second the reality collapsed and the memories of what happened rushed back. Every time he thought of them he experienced it all again. The feeling of betrayal became fresh. Wait, betrayal? That's wrong. Genji was the one who betrayed them. They only acted accordingly.

 

He cried. He hated it. Of course it was during nighttime when he hid his face under his blanket. To have become such a burden that he was worth more dead than alive to his loved ones. They had no idea that he had survived and was currently getting turned into a machine. It was in a way a fitting punishment. Genji had his whole life refused to follow orders. Now he was gonna get brainwashed beyond repair and his agency would disappear. Only problem was that his enemies would use him.

 

And the boss of them finally made his appearance.

 

When they wheeled Genji back to his room after having showered, there was a man waiting in there. Genji was intimidated at first glance. The man was large and had firm muscles defined by his black turtleneck. He had dark skin, strong features and a goatee. It was a fierce kind of beauty.

_Why do I get the feeling he'd punch me if I flirted with him?_

He smiled seeing Genji arrived and it sent chills down his back. The nurse, named Filippa, that helped him with the wheelchair straightened up and saluted the man.

 

“Commander,” Filippa said.

“At ease,” the man replied. He gestured at a spot in front of a chair and Filippa wheeled Genji there.

“Leave.” Filippa nodded and left without a word. The man looked down at Genji. He felt terrified. The man didn't show any visual signs of hostility but his mere presence spoke of power. Genji bowed with his head, afraid to fall over if he used his whole body.

_It's really shameful to sit down when he's standing up._

The man smiled more at that gesture and sat down. He sat comfortably with spread legs, leaned back, rested his elbow on the armrest and raised his chin up slightly.

“Genji Shimada,” the man spoke, the surname rubbing Genji in the wrong way, “you look significantly better than the last time I saw you.” Genji nodded in response and made sure to not have direct eye contact. The man’s voice was deep and smooth.

“My name is Gabriel Reyes, commander of Blackwatch, the sister organisation of Overwatch.” Genji narrowed his eyes. “I'm the one you will answer to.”

“Where did you get that idea from,” Genji said, astonishment having quickly been replaced with annoyance.

“Do you have other plans?”

“I was thinking of ending those bitch doctors of yours,” Genji smiled.

 

He could imagine how disgusting he must've looked. Scarred face, messed up lips, pale eyes and a pathetic amount of hair. A smile on that kind of face would be unsettling to the core and insinuating violence would make most people back away. Of course Reyes would not be so easily frightened but it was a start.

 

A not so successful start. Reyes chuckled.

“Dr Ziegler has more experience in the field than you and Dr Hedberg killed an infiltrator with creative thinking and your standard furniture. You wouldn't even manage to lay a finger on them.” Genji fought against his surprise showing but wasn't deterred.

“She never told you that I tried to strangle her to death,” Genji smirked, “Had my hands on her throat and everything.”

Reyes expression went back to neutral. Genji had had an effect.

“Thank you for telling me,” Reyes said after a second, “it's good to know you have guts.”

Genji didn't reply. There was something in the air that made him uncomfortable.

“Back to the topic at hand,” Reyes straightened his back, “are you aware of your options?”

Genji remained quiet.

“Either you work for me, or you are handed over to the Japanese government.” Genji felt his eyes widen and stomach flip.

“You have some friends there, don't you?.” Reyes looked wistfully at him. “How embarrassing. They thought they finally were rid of you and you come crawling back as a zombie.” Genji gulped and felt the anxiety clawing at his gut.

“But then again, wouldn't that be the best option? You would at least not work against your family. You wouldn't be a liability to them. But are they really worth it?” Genji clenched his jaw.

“Would you really suffer that for people who never cared about you-”

“I was the one who was wrong,” Genji exclaimed.

“Maybe, but kill you? That's just excessive. This isn't the samurai age anymore. Do like the normal Japanese, take a bow and become estranged.”

“You don't understand,” Genji growled.

“I've worked with Japanese people for years, I understand enough. The Shimada’s are powerful and have a legacy that of course you'd want to protect. But you don't kill family because they won't continue the business. It may have been culture but that doesn't mean it's right. You didn't choose to be born into that family, you had no obligation to meet those expectations. If they cared about you, Hanzo would've gone to your funeral and you would have a proper shrine but there is none.”

Genji felt chills running down his back. He didn't know what the feeling was but his breath stopped. He saw Hanzo before him, how much he cared for their Father’s and other family member’s shrines. Even for their aunt, whom had been an embarrassment. Genji saw the shelf where pictures of those who had died stood and his face was not to be seen. He snapped out of it.

“That's not-”

“I can prove it,” Reyes said and pulled forward an iPad. He showed a report of Genji's funeral. It was surreal reading it.

_I really am dead._

It stood how Hanzo refused to attend and he was missing from all of the photos. He saw his mother, looking as proper as ever. She was serious but not crying like at Father’s funeral. He saw his uncle and his young daughter. She looked curious at the closed casket. He saw all these people, some who had liked him and some who hadn't. No one knew what really had happened to him. 

_Do they care that I'm dead? Probably not. Not that it matters. I’ll never see them again. But it’s weird. I've slept with some of them and I know their secrets. Now they don't matter to me and I don't matter to them._

Genji felt sick. Next were photos taken by a hidden camera inside their house. His heartbeat raced and the breathing was heavy. Part of him was infuriated that there was a spy in his house but it wasn't his anymore. He felt like vomiting, something so familiar having become so foreign. Hanzo’s and Mother’s lives continued without him, as if he never existed. Where Genji was couldn't possibly be the same universe. They were so far away from each other. He saw his father’s shrine but nothing for him. He saw the shelf and he wasn't there. He jerked back and looked away. His breathing hurt and was raspy. He tried so desperately to control it but he couldn't. His thoughts collapsed on one another.

_How can they hate me so. I didn't get anyone hurt or killed. How can they just throw me away like I was worth nothing._

Genji noticed through the haze of his anxiety Reyes standing up.

“Just think about it, are these people really worth the pain? Didn't even bother to check your corpse.”

Genji gritted his teeth and breathed through his nose. He forced back a scream and squeezed his eyes shut. Tears teased the edge of his eyes. He lowered his head to his side and covered it with his hand. A feeble attempt to hide it.

 

_They're the reason I'm going through this._

 

In school Genji had read the works of H.P. Lovecraft. The cosmic horror entertained him. The fear that comes from knowing that there are beings so much grander and more complex than you are, that the universe operates on a level that if you even try to comprehend it you'll go mad. The complete understanding of how insignificant you are.

  
Surely that horror couldn't compare to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Medical notes:  
> I don't know much of the physical part of his recovery. I'm doing the best I can.
> 
> I hope I explained mental illness well with Louise's explanation to Genji.
> 
> Fluanxol and cipralex are medication for anxiety and depression. They are standard and fluanxol in particular has been very effective for me. They have different names in english but I'm too lazy right now to find out. It's surprisingly uncommon to have more than one medicine for mental illness even though more often than not that's what you need. You shouldn't be ashamed to take a couple of different meds for your disorder. Louise might add more to Genji's prescription actually.


	5. Llamas are part of the cure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter the cowboy whom Genji would've seduced if things were different

Genji didn’t resist anymore. He let them scrub his back in the shower, he trained and even let them inject those psycho drugs. He wasn’t going to give them anything but doing nothing was horrible. Lack of stimuli was a form of torture. When he got his chance he was going to off himself or make them do it. The Bitches continued being annoying and borderline scary. He was curious though after what Reyes had said. _To think the self-proclaimed angels have killed._ He started to think of ways to ask them about it.

 

Genji always had a stone in the pit of his stomach. He did everything to not think of his family, to reduce the anxiety. His distraction was not just remembering the good sex he’d had. More and more he started to fantasize about food. Curry, yakiniku, sashimi, pocky, pasta, taco, hamburgers, korean BBQ, ice cream, salads; everything he had ever tasted and more. It wasn’t strange that the first time he felt happy in two months was when Bitch Number 1 said he was gonna have a stomach surgery.

 

¨I don’t know how much I can fix,¨ she said, ¨but you should at least be able to eat light food.¨

Genji felt the corners of his lips tug and his chest becoming lighter. His mouth started to water at the thought of tasting something again. The Bitch gave a bright smile. It caught him off guard and his mood immediately dropped. It felt wrong that she smiled at him. It seemed genuine too. _Just stop it. Please. Don’t pretend that we’re not horrible._

 

The next day, in the afternoon, Genji was lying in his bed, groggy and disoriented from the sedatives after the surgery.

 

¨Can I eat,¨ he slurred, ¨can I get some food?¨ He continued to call out. Bitch Number 1 was fixing his IV. ¨Can I get a hamburger? I want a hamburger. You said I could eat. Where’s my hamburger?¨ His voice rose in volume. ¨Hey! I want my hamburger!¨

¨Quiet down,¨ the guard, who sat by the side, burst out, ¨you’ll get your food when you’re not high.¨

¨I’m not high,¨ Genji argued, ¨I only do quality weed.¨

¨I don’t understand Japanese,¨ the guard said. The Bitch had a small smile.

¨Whaddya mean? I’m talking english,¨ he continued in japanese, ¨anyway, you don’t know weed. The best weed is what Haru’s got. Feels like heaven. Get ya self a mate and freak out. Those are the best times.¨ Genji giggled. ¨I was high one time with Anija. Best bonding experience.¨ His words faded out. ¨Anija. Hanzo. That son of a bitch,¨ he said in a whisper and in english, ¨that **** took away my money.¨ He returned to japanese. ¨What kind of heartless being takes away his brother’s money?¨ The sentence was a mixture of both languages.

 

A tear ran down his cheek.

¨I didn’t get to say goodbye to Miki.¨ Genji’s voice cracked. ¨She was the best girl in the world.¨ He was back to talking in Japanese. ¨And now that shitface got her all for himself.¨ He started to sob. ¨Poor thing doesn’t even know he killed me.¨ He cried loudly and the tears stained the bed sheet. He hid himself under his blanket.

 

¨I loved him and Mother. I loved them so much and they killed me,¨ he wailed. He twitched as he felt a hand on his shoulder.

 

He peeked out to see The Bitch’s compassionate expression. He stopped sobbing, entranced by the genuine empathy.

¨I’m sorry,¨ she said ever so gently. He resented her for trying to console and yet he felt something else as well.

¨Me too.¨ He calmed down and got hiccups. He reached out his mechanic arm from under the cover.

¨You’re a good guy, Shuu,¨ he said with a thumbs up.

¨My name is Dr. Ziegler.¨

¨Aa sou*. Ziegler” he said with a heavy accent.

 

Genji slept for the rest of the day. He had weird fever dreams where everyone he loved and knew surrounded him. He screamed and tried to wake up but couldn't. When he finally did he was covered in sweat.

 

Genji shook the dream off, or rather repressed it so not to deal with it. The guard, a different one from before, was sitting and reading on his phone. Genji let him slip out of his body once again. Feeling unsure if he was in the right body, in the right plane of existence was a weird yet pleasant feeling. He didn’t notice Ziegler entering the room until she stood by his side. He stared at her face, trying to read her expression but it was like he was typing and someone held down backspace. He couldn’t make sense of it. He had lost his concept of time and the moment dragged on to eternity.

 

¨Shimada,¨ Ziegler called out from another reality, ¨Shimada, are you okay?¨ She waved her hand in front of his face.

¨Yeah, I’m okay,¨ he muttered and sat up with a grunt. Ziegler gave a smile.

 

Genji noticed a nurse behind with a cart. There stood a bowl of rice and a glass of water. It was small but appeared big in Genji’s mind. He locked his eyes on the food and leaned slightly forward, unable to wait.

 

¨We’ll start with light food,¨ Ziegler explained, ¨you will have breakfast, lunch and dinner.¨

 

The nurse pulled the cart closer and extended the top of it as a table over Genji’s bed. He felt the Japanese culture rising within him. It had brainwashed him with eating rice for almost every meal for 25 years. Not having been able to eat it for weeks felt like losing another limb. He feebly grabbed onto the bowl with his flesh hand and brought it to him with shaky movements. Ziegler moved a bit closer, ready to support the bowl. Genji grabbed the chopsticks and struggled to get the right grip with his prosthetic. After fumbling for a while he dropped them. Frustrated, he grabbed them again. _What the shit! It’s like breathing, I shouldn’t even have to think about it!_

 

Dropping them a second time he cursed. Ziegler handed him a spoon. He had to decide between his pride and hunger. Hunger won and he snatched the spoon from her. Humiliated with three people watching him he growled.

¨Let me eat in peace!¨

Ziegler nodded. She guided the nurse and even the guard out.

 

Alone, Genji took a deep breath. He took a big spoon of rice. It felt so good. His mouth was filled with warmth, the texture was soft and airy against his teeth and tongue. It was tasteless, he hadn't expect anything but he was oh so happy. Swallowing felt weird. He felt the rice nudging against the voicebox. A light, chilling touch. He ate quickly. He barely swallowed before he took more. He coughed but forced it down. He was not going to waste a single grain.

 

Genji was overjoyed to feel substance in his stomach again. When the bowl was empty, he got annoyed. He wanted more. He grabbed the glass and downed the water. No soda nor liquor could compare to the fresh, cold water that massaged his throat.

 

He leaned back and sat quietly. For him it had become foreign to be pleased. He wouldn’t say he was at peace, but he saw a thread of light. However, it didn’t mean anything. All of it was just waiting, enduring until he could finally die. He couldn’t be grateful to them, to Ziegler. _They are heartless people who want me to kill my own family._ Genji snorted. _What a weird thought. My family killed me and_ I _feel guilt. Although I guess that’s right._

 

The day continued with the same schedule. Genji powered through it, thinking only of lunch. He stared intently at the clock, making it even more painful seeing the numbers crawl by at a snail’s pace.

 

Genji didn’t look like it, but he was giddy when he was presented with strawberry yoghurt. He got the others to leave so he could enjoy it peacefully. Quickly he shoved the spoon in his mouth. Nothing. He tossed the yoghurt around his mouth with his tongue, thinking maybe it didn’t get anything on it at first. Still nothing. The daunting realization teased at the back of his mind. For a millisecond he stared into space, a bit of yoghurt running down his chin. He shook him out of it and swallowed. He took another spoon. It was cold and smooth, but didn’t taste of strawberry. Anxiety started to speed up his breathing. He swallowed and took another spoon, and another and another. It was all tasteless. His mouth was overflowing but it didn’t matter. The rage boiled up in but a moment and Genji threw the bowl across the room with a roar. It shattered and yoghurt splattered on the wall. It had spilled from his mouth and stained his hospital gown. He swallowed what was left and quickly hid his face in his hands. Tears pressed forth with no hindrance and his breath shook.

 

He heard people enter the room and he hunched deeper, ashamed that they caught him in such a state.

¨Shim-¨ he heard Ziegler’s voice.

¨My name is not Shimada!¨ Genji shouted. His shaky breathing and near-on sobbing kept everyone on edge. It was an uncomfortable sound and he could feel their eyes prickling his skin. He sensed Ziegler’s hand closing in and he shoved it away.

¨You couldn’t taste it,¨ she said. He remained quiet for a few more seconds.

_She knew, and she dared to give me hope._

¨No.¨

¨I’m sorry,¨ she said, ¨I think I can-¨

¨Stop.¨ A wave of exhaustion hit Genji. His thoughts became sluggish and centered around one thing.

¨Why won’t you kill me? Please, just do it.¨ His tears seeped through his fingers and fell, blending with the yoghurt _._  ¨I’m begging you.¨

 

It was quiet for another moment. Genji sensed the heat of the people around him, feeding his anxiety.

¨Filippa, please clean up,¨ Ziegler ordered, her mere voice startling Genji.

¨Yes,¨ Filippa, the nurse, answered.

 

Genji was left alone with the guard when it was done. He forced back his tears and laid down, keeping his eyes shut. He did his best to not think of all the food he would never taste ever again.

_There’s no way living as a machine will be satisfying in any regard._

 

With anger and anxiety seething in his skin, Genji fell into a restless sleep.

 

* * *

 

Angela sat in her office, reading through important emails and answering them. It was a slow process due to her mind being occupied with other thoughts. She sighed, frustrated at the exhaustion that was creeping up on her. When a skype call with a certain callsign popped up, Angela immediately perked up. She was almost embarrassed with how happy she became and answered.

¨Hi,¨ she said excited.

 

¨Hey,¨ Fareeha's beautiful smile appeared on the screen. Angela felt her smile growing and her cheeks getting slightly warmer. Fareeha was wearing a tank top and her strong shoulders showed. Angela forced her elf to keep her eyes on Fareeha’s face.

 

¨You're finally calling me,¨ teased Angela.

¨Since you won't,¨ Fareeha explained, ¨and I missed talking to you.¨ Butterflies tickled Angela’s stomach.

¨Sorry. I've been very busy.¨

¨I've heard - or well, eavesdropped - about your VIP patient. How's that going?¨

¨Good,¨ Angela sounded a tad more somber than she would’ve liked to.

¨You’ve got bags under your eyes,¨ Fareeha noted. Angela sighed with a feeble smile.

¨When I’m not keeping track on him I’m researching.¨

¨This is why you should stay at Overwatch. Mom can actually make sure you’re sleeping,¨ Fareeha chuckled. ¨And we can hang out.¨ She looked at Angela. She looked away from Fareeha’s strong gaze.

¨I'll be back and we can do stupid things again,¨ Angela prayed that her cheeks weren't too red. Faareha chuckled.

 

They didn’t say anything for a moment. Angela fiddled with her mouse and Fareeha studied her.

 

¨I heard it was a dangerous patient,¨ Fareeha said, ¨have they hurt you?¨

¨No.¨ Angela’s furrowed brow contradicted her answer.

¨Are they worth the trouble?¨

¨Yes.¨

¨You don’t sound convinced.¨

¨He-,¨ Angela’s words trailed off. She stared absentmindedly at her keyboard. Fareeha let her take her time.

¨He begged me to kill him.” A second went by before Fareeha answered.

¨It isn’t the first time that’s happened.¨

¨But that was in the middle of battle when I had nothing to heal with and the soldier was in great pain. This guy genuinely wants to die.¨

¨But won’t Louise take care of that?¨

¨Yes, but...¨

¨You’re doubting yourself.¨

 

The words felt foreign to Angela.

¨Mm,¨ she reluctantly agreed.

¨It’s all gonna be ok when he’s recovered.¨

 

¨That’s the thing,¨ Angela clenched her jaw, ¨this is very experimental and there’s a risk he won’t survive. Each surgery I discover again how fragile his body is and my biotic technology can’t restore any more. There’s risks that his body will reject the implants I’ll give him and an infection could spread before I’d get a chance to fix it. If that happens I really am a ‘sadistic bitch’ who tortures him.¨

Fareeha took a deep breath.

¨Field work really is easier,¨ she mumbled.

¨Yes,¨ Angela let out a small breathy laugh.

¨But what else can you do? You've planned, right? If you're not confident in your own plan ask for help. You can only do so much on your own.¨ Angela wouldn’t have found comfort in those words if it wasn’t Fareeha saying them. She looked at Fareeha and got reminded once again how much she’d grown. 

 

¨Thanks,¨ Angela smiled, a bit embarrassed for some reason.

 ¨God, how far away are you if you can't even think of asking for help,¨ Fareeha joked and Angela laughed.

 

 

The two continued to talk for over an hour. Angela didn't want to end the call when they did. She had missed her a lot.

_I'll have to take her out on a date-or something._

 

* * *

 

Genji refused to eat. Ziegler had to go back to giving him liquid food. He was irritable and didn’t comply to anything without a fuss.

 

He was more annoyed than anything when Filippa woke him up saying ¨we have a surprise for you¨.

_Nothing’s been good since I got here, shithead._

After showering he even had the misfortune of seeing _both_ Ziegler and Hedberg. Hedberg had a giddy smile that went on his nerves.

 

¨We have finally gotten clearance on letting you around the facility,¨ she said, ¨we’re going to go for a walk and we have a grand surprise for you at the end of it.¨ She could barely contain herself. It annoyed Genji but it made him curious as well. He was also surprised at how excited he was at the idea of going out.

 

However the venture turned out to be very awkward. Ziegler wheeled Genji with Hedberg accompany them. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there were people walking by all the time. He felt their sight burn into him. He sunk deeper into the wheelchair and to think of something else, he dared to peek out the windows. Fortunately his reflection wasn’t present so he could focus on the actual view. He had gotten glimpses of it before. There was an obstacle course and a running track around it. There was one part with weights and gym machines with trees covering it. It looked very luxurious for a mere training ground. _Overwatch certainly got money. Or was it Blackwatch?_

 

An elevator ride down and they got to a door leading outside.

_Is that an-What is that?_

Outside the door was an outing area with tables and benches, and in the middle of it stood a big brown blurry thing. As Genji got closer he saw it was an animal, one he’d seen many times as a mascot. Its fur was fluffy and it had a long neck. _It’s a friggin llama._ He heard a giggle escape from Hedberg and looked at her. She had a big grin and walked on ahead. On the bench near the llama sat a person. He had dark hair and wore jeans and a dirtied white t-shirt. Ziegler quickened the pace slightly and Hedberg held up the door for the two. Genji stared at the llama, more amazed the closer he got. It looked like it couldn’t give less of a damn when it eyed Genji and the two doctors.

 

¨Mr. Cabrera, thank you for all your help,¨ Hedberg said, ¨this is Genji.¨ The person who stood by the llama, and was obviously its caretaker, did a terrible attempt at not staring at Genji. He nodded his head in greeting and smiled. Genji felt disgusting. He decided to ignore the man and look at the llama. It certainly wasn’t a majestic creature. It looked like a teenager that was part of some weird subculture; confident despite it being unwarranted. A breath of a laugh escaped him. He saw both doctors stop in their tracks for a second. He decided not to think about it.

 

¨This is Penelope,¨ Hedberg said as she petted the llama’s head, ¨she’s a therapy llama.¨ Genji cracked a quick smile at the title. ¨She comforts people with all sorts of mental illnesses. She’s very social and fun to play with.¨ Hedberg looked at the animal with adoring eyes. ¨I’ve been thinking of getting you a therapy animal and thought this would be a fun way to introduce it.¨

 

Genji felt a semblance of warmth that the ridiculous creature was meant for him. He raised his flesh arm with great effort to touch Penelope. The fur was so soft and smooth; he wanted to bury his face in it. Penelope sniffed his hand and her snout went along his arm. Her nose left little wet streaks and the breaths tickled. She reached Genji’s face and sniffed around it. Genji’s face scrunched up in a smile and he let her sniff unhindered. He petted her upper neck with both his arms and leaned his forehead to hers. She stopped sniffing and enjoyed the scratches. Genji’s smile turned into a grin and he nuzzled his face in her fur. She gave him a lick, a big; wet and warm tongue dragging across his cheek. He pulled back and forgot to stifle a giggle.

 

¨I’m so happy you two get along,¨ Hedberg said and ruined the moment. Genji gave her an irritated glance. _Go away._

¨I will just explain some things before I leave you to it,¨ Cabrera said.

 

He explained that Penelope was going to accompany him for a day. She would back away immediately or be close on command. She listened intently, although Genji wasn’t sure how that worked out, and gave attention when wanted. She could retrieve things and even go get help. She reacts and calms one down if one would have an attack of some sort. She loved to play catch and eat. Cabrera handed Genji a worn down tennis ball and a bag of carrots. After teaching some commands Cabrera said goodbye and would be back in the evening. Genji couldn’t remember the last time he was so interested in what someone was saying. He didn’t take his hands off Penelope.

 

¨You can play catch with her for a while but then we have to return to the regular schedule,¨ Ziegler said. Their voices still irked him but he decided to ignore them.

 

Genji took the ball in his flesh hand but stopped.

_I won’t be able to throw it far or maybe at all. But I don’t want to use my prosthetic._

He stared at his two hands, crudely amused at his predicament. A gentle nudge from Penelope’s soft snout snapped him out of it. Genji’s smile returned. _I don’t need to know how bad my arm is._ Genji took the ball with his prosthetic arm and threw it. It hurt and it was weak. His muscles weren’t strong despite the mechanisms. The ball bounced a few meters in front of him and Penelope burst into a rush after it. She grabbed the ball with her mouth and stumbled forward a bit more before she managed to swerve around to come back. Genji chuckled lightly at the dorky display and was taken by how cute she was. He threw it three more times. Each time he got weaker and on the fourth he dropped it a meter ahead of him. Genji felt the heat of humiliation as Hedberg and Ziegler sat watching on the side. He gave Penelope a carrot. Her squishy, wet lips tickled his hand.

 

¨Hedberg, check your phone,¨ Ziegler said, her tone turned serious. Genji ignored them and scratched Penelope’s snout.

¨Genji, there’s an emergency we have to attend to,¨ Hedberg said, ¨we’ll send Filippa down.¨ Genji looked at them, curious at what was happening. Both ran into the building and he saw their blurry forms disappear behind the glass.

 

Genji looked around him.

_I’m finally alone. I can kill myself._

Feeling Penelope’s sniffing on his hand brought his attention back to her. _It can wait._ He held out another carrot for her and she gobbled it up.

_Being reborn as an animal wouldn’t be so bad._

 

Genji heard the door opening and footsteps closing in. He turned around to see the blurry image of someone wearing a cowboy hat.

¨Well, I’ll be damned,¨ he heard the man say. He sounded like he belonged in a western. He stopped a few meters away from Genji. It was subtle but Genji was used to seeing it. The body of someone repulsed, pulling back slightly and straightening itself. Genji turned his head away.

¨So you’re that VIP patient,¨ the man said and walked closer. Genji couldn’t help his curiosity and eyed the man. He had short brown hair, tanned skin and was ridiculously tall. He had a goatee and a face Genji would’ve loved to kiss if things were different.

¨Name’s McCree,¨ he said, not facing Genji but turning his attention to Penelope, ¨well, aren’t you the most beautiful thing I’ve seen.¨ He scratched her under her chin. The words cut Genji’s chest, awakening unwanted memories of Hanzo playing with Miki. She was the least graceful dog on earth but he used such words to describe her, being completely genuine.

¨Why are you here,¨ Genji growled.

¨I heard that there was going to be a therapy llama for those with PTSD and such on the base tomorrow but I’m leaving for a mission this afternoon.¨ He didn’t spare Genji a glance.

¨Tough luck,¨ Genji said, glowering at McCree, ¨she’s mine today and you can go.¨ McCree looked at him, finally.

¨Aw, come on, no need to be so possessive. Llamas remind me of home.¨

¨I don’t care. Get lost, McCree,¨ Genji was in no mood for anyone to ruin his precious time with Penelope. McCree chuckled.

¨What?¨

¨You sound so cute. ‘Mackuree’,¨ the idiot smiled. Fortunately with his damaged skin, blushes didn’t show but Genji felt the heat. A memory quickly displayed itself of an american lover that had said his accent was cute. However unlike with that man, this time Genji was offended.

 

Something managed to click though.

¨Did you message Ziegler and Hedberg?¨ McCree got a sheepish look.

¨Heh, yeah. I’m not supposed to be here and the ladies would snitch to my boss.¨

¨Don’t worry, I’ll snitch for them.¨

¨Come on, don’t be like that,¨ McCree pleaded, ¨don’t get why you gotta have a stick up your ass.¨ He turned back to Penelope and nuzzled his head in her fur. ¨She smells great too.¨

¨Penelope,¨ Genji said and threw a carrot. Penelope sprinted towards it, more violent than before, causing McCree to take a step back. She dived and grabbed the carrot, tripping on her legs in the process. She managed to avoid falling and trotted back, pleased.

¨How majestic,¨ McCree whispered.

 

Penelope walked up to Genji and nuzzled against him. He smiled and scratched her behind her ears.

¨Penelope,¨ McCree said and caught her attention. He snatched the bag of carrots and held one high up. ¨Come get it, girl.¨ Genji was fuming. She reached up and McCree raised the vegetable higher.

 

Genji screamed. It was a quick, deep roar. McCree startled and looked confused at him. Penelope was quick to be at his side. She sat down and rested her head on his lap. She looked up with compassionate eyes, two beautiful black orbs. She made soft sounds, working to calm him down. Genji gave a satisfactory smile and stroked her.

¨Good girl,¨ he said, ¨come here.¨ He motioned her to come closer to him. She did and he gave her a kiss on the forehead.

¨Well, aren’t you the pettiest thing barely alive,¨ McCree sneered. Genji glared daggers at him.

¨She’s my therapy llama and I needed help.¨ Genji was beyond smug. McCree snorted.

¨Wow, I really look forward to working with you.¨

¨Unfortunately that will remain a dream.¨ McCree stopped for a moment.

¨Right, you’re from the japanese mafia,¨ he said with a tone Genji hadn't expected, ¨yeah, it sucks being forced to work with the ‘good guys’.¨ Genji looked at him, baffled. A few blinks and having processed the information he had a weird thought. _Thank you._

¨Mm.¨ Genji had nothing else to say.

 

He heard a ding and McCree pulled out a phone from his pocket. He made a grimace and put it back.

 

¨Welp, I’ve been found out,¨ he sighed, ¨it’s been a pleasure, ma'am.¨ He kissed Penelope by the eye. ¨See you around.¨ He winked and tipped his stupid hat.

¨Better leave before they’ll whip your ass,¨ Genji said. McCree showed off a smirk and winked again. Genji felt a rush of his old behaviour bubbling forth but he repressed it and maintained his scowl.

 

McCree took his leave with hurried steps. Genji watched him turn into a blurry speck, annoyed and grateful he was gone. Unwanted positive thoughts about him were crushed. Penelope bopped Genji’s shoulder and he rested his head on her.

 

A few minutes later the doctors returned.

 

¨Did a man with a cowboy hat come by,¨ Ziegler asked.

¨You mean the idiot? Yes, he wanted to see the llama,¨ Genji answered.

¨Well, you can’t blame him,¨ Hedberg said.

¨He tricked us,¨ Ziegler said sternly.

¨To be honest I would’ve done the same. Penelope is a wonder to be with.¨

 

_What’s with all these llama freaks?_

 

* * *

 

 

It was the greatest day Genji had had in a long time and it was over too quickly. He was sad to say goodbye to Penelope but of course he didn’t show it. Before he went to sleep the doctors talked to him about getting a permanent animal. Hedberg was leading the conversation as Ziegler injected sleep medicine and pain killers.

 

¨What kind of animal would you like? Dogs are the most common-¨

¨No dogs,¨ Genji interrupted Hedberg.

¨Oh, well then I think a cat would suit you,¨ she advised.

¨Mm.¨ Genji stared at nothing. He wanted to get a therapy animal but he was too tired to discuss it. He did next to nothing and he was still exhausted by the end of the day.

 

¨You don’t have to decide now,¨ Hedberg stood up, ¨we’ll talk more when you’ve rested.¨

¨Mm.¨ Angela filled a plastic mug with water and placed it on his bedside table.

¨I’m happy you enjoyed yourself,¨ she smiled. Genji looked at her deadpanned.

¨I want to sleep.¨

¨Of course.¨

 

The two doctors left Genji with a weird feeling he didn’t feel like exploring.

  
_Guess I’ll drift to outer space._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Oh, right
> 
> I've got a lot of work with school and limited energy so in order to get this done I've decided to throw research out the window (ok maybe not entirely). Therapy llamas are an actual thing btw and I knew from the beginning that I wanted to include one.
> 
> Medical notes:  
> Therapy animals are great for a lot of things, be it physiological and psychological. To make one not feel alone, comfort, help remember to take medicine, help one get through attacks, to name a few things they can do.
> 
> Medicine can do a lot but you still need to do things to get better. Like you can heal a broken leg by putting a nail through the bone but you have to use the leg for it to actually get strong.


	6. When anxiety hinders you it is recommended to dissociate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genji gets a service cat and is presented a ultimatum

Something was wrong with Genji. Ever since he saw the picture of Mila, the service cat chosen for him, he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He wondered if she meowed a lot, if she liked to be scratched behind the ear and if she was cuddly. He really hoped she would be cuddly. He even dreamt of embracing her and feeling her warmth. He woke up actually feeling excited. He felt a tingle in his body that couldn’t wait for her. He let out a somber giggle.

_This is ridiculous. It’s like I have a crush._

He wasn’t too irritated with the nurses and Ziegler fussing around him. He was surprisingly cooperative when they tested out different modules of prosthetic legs. He looked at the clock as often as he could and his mood brighten the closer it got to twelve, the designated time of her arrival.

 

When the clock showed thirteen he fought back a frown. When it was fifteen Genji’s forehead hurt from furrowing brows.

¨Hedberg will be here with Mila in an hour,¨ Ziegler informed.

¨Why is she so late,¨ Genji muttered.

¨She’s very busy, a lot of things happens when you’re a doctor,¨ she tried to defend her. Genji blew a huff of air out of his nose in irritation.

 

16:43 the door to Genji’s room opened and Hedberg walked in. In an instant Genji sat up as best as he could on his own. Behind her came a beautiful cat trotting in. Her fur was pitch black and she wore a green collar. Unfortunately Genji was too far away to see her eyes. Her tail stood up and she looked curiously around. Hedberg walked to Genji’s bed and patted on it.

 

¨Mila, up here,¨ she cooed. Mila jumped up with ease. Just feeling the weight shifting the mattress made Genji happier. She moved her way up to him and he reached out his human hand. She sniffed it and Genji’s smile grew as he felt her breaths and whiskers. She sniffed up his arm and got to his face, whiskers tickling his skin. She had bright orange eyes. He started to stroke her. Mila’s fur was smooth and a joy to touch. Against his better judgement he meowed. She meowed back and they made tiny noises back and forth for a moment.

 

¨I’m sorry I was late but I’m happy it worked out,¨ said Hedberg.

¨Yeah,¨ Genji mumbled, completely entranced by Mila.

 

That evening Genji barely looked at anyone else. Mila got used to him quickly but took her time to look around. There was a big potted plant in his room which she jumped up on. Genji looked at her with adoration and hadn’t felt so peaceful in a year. He was annoyed when people disturbed him with medical stuff but Mila kept his attention as she played with the leaves of the plant. When it was time to sleep Mila curled up by his feet. Genji gazed at her, entertained by merely seeing her form heave up and down. He quickly fell asleep feeling her cozy warmth, much better than his dream had made it out to be.

 

It was clear as glass and yet blurry like smudged paint. He was in the hospital and his ‘home’ at the same time. Genji trudged like he was walking through mud, but the way was unhindered. Hanzo sat there by the kitchen table, drinking tea and scrolling on his phone.

¨Hanzo,¨ Genji shouted. No response. ¨Hanzo!¨ He didn’t even twitch. Genji hesitated.

¨Anija!¨

Hanzo looked up at Genji. A fire welled up within him.

¨Genji, I need you to check if Karasuma has the money,¨ Hanzo said, tone casual and returned to looking at his phone. Genji stopped, dumbfounded.

¨ _Kisama_ *! Listen to me, you bastard!¨

¨You’re up early, for once,¨ Hanzo said. Genji’s breath shook with rage.

¨Go to hell! Why aren’t you angry? How can you talk to me like nothing happened!¨ Genji screamed his lungs out.

¨Don’t do anything stupid today,¨ Hanzo stood up and walked to the kitchen counter to place his cup by the sink, ¨don’t make Mother worry.¨

¨Shut the hell up!¨ Genji rushed towards Hanzo. He swung an open palm at his face. His arm was slow and heavy, it was a mere bump on Hanzo’s cheek. Genji tried again and again. His movements were sluggish and hard to control. If he didn’t miss, it only grazed Hanzo. He just stood there, looking completely neutral like his brother wasn’t trying to assault him. The frustration ate at Genji, he felt he was going crazy. He mustered all of his strength and with a roar he tackled Hanzo. They landed on the ground and Genji wrapped his hands around Hanzo’s neck.

¨I’ll kill you!¨ He felt his own voice shaking in his skin.

 

It wasn’t Hanzo. Beneath him was Ziegler. Her eyes were wide with fear and skin pale. She pulled at Genji’s hands desperately. He released immediately.

¨I’m sorry, I’m sorry.¨ His words only came out as a mumble. He couldn’t speak louder. Ziegler screamed and hit his chest.

¨Get off of me!¨ Her voice was uncharacteristic; frail and scared. It felt wrong to see her so vulnerable. Genji got off her and she scrambled to stand up. She looked down on him with a gentle smile. Her bright, confident eyes instilled fear in Genji. He felt like he was going to vomit. Tears ran down his cheeks as he fell to his knees.

 

¨Please kill me please kill me please kill me please kill me,¨ he pleaded. Ziegler reached out a hand and he jolted as she touched him. Although it wasn’t her. It was Mila. Genji was lying in his bed. The sheets were sticky with sweat. Mila was lying on his arm, looking at him with caring eyes. Genji stared back for a minute, disoriented at what had just transpired. He saw the guard sitting and dozing off. The only lights were the ones on the machines. Genji looked around him and felt the darkness expanding and consuming. He was overcome by a horrific sense of nothingness. Mila nuzzled her head on Genji’s chest. His attention turned back to her. She purred. He could feel the vibrations lightly on his ribs. He felt stupid as his eyes began to water. He stroked her and took deep breaths. His eyes remained on her until the sleep medicine took over and he drifted into a dreamless sleep.

 

Genji was more exhausted than usual that morning. For once he was happy he didn’t have to exert himself chewing food. Ziegler was as usual there and checked his values as he had his breakfast. Mila was on the ground eating her food. Genji looked at her, taken by her mere movements and stance.

 

¨Genji, I am happy to inform that you are getting a laser eye surgery,¨ Ziegler said when she was done. Genji looked at her, visibly interested.

¨What help would that do?¨

¨Your cornea is uneven. With the help of a laser we can fix that and your sight should be much better.¨

Hope tickled unwillingly at the pit of Genji’s stomach.

¨However, the surgery will be a bit of a hassle. You will be awake the whole time with your eyelids forced open. It will be uncomfortable but won’t last for more than ten minutes. And the risks are minimal.¨

¨Not that it can get any worse,¨ Genji muttered.

¨Well, you could become blind,¨ Ziegler pointed out.

¨What?¨

¨But of course nothing will go wrong!¨

¨Hmph.¨

¨The surgery is in three days. Look forward to it!¨

 

Technically he was but Ziegler’s chipper attitude was getting on his nerves.

 

_I really shouldn’t accept all these treatments. But I’m too tired to do anything else. What will happen to me? Will I really give myself to them? Nah. All I need to do is wait. I’ll get my chance._

 

* * *

 

 

¨Hi Genji,¨ Hedberg smiled as she entered the room. ¨Hi, Mila,¨ she said in a slightly higher voice. She went to his bed and reached out her hand to the cat. Mila sniffed as hello and buffed her nose against it. Genji wanted to shove Hedberg away. He would even encourage Mila to bite her.

 

¨So,¨ Hedberg sat down on a chair near the bed, ¨is it better with Mila?¨

Genji took a moment, wondering if he should indulge her. He looked at Mila, resting like a breadloaf on his stomach. He felt a strange sense of obligation to her.

¨She’s good,¨ he gave in. Hedberg gave an irritating, satisfied smile.

¨How have you been feeling lately?¨

Genji huffed.

¨What are your dreams like?¨

He glanced at her and hesitated.

¨Uncomfortable.¨

¨Are they scary, stressful or dark?¨

Genji looked away.

¨All of them, I guess.¨

¨Are all dreams like that?¨

¨Yes.¨

Hedberg looked far from concerned. She wrote something on her iPad.

¨Your mental state is reflected in your dreams. It’s easy to see if someone’s anxious or depressed depending on the recurring mood of their dreams. Don’t worry, these dreams won’t last forever.¨

Genji furrowed his brow. _Stop being so damn sure._

¨How often do you think about dying? Is it more or less than before?¨

He stopped for a second, searching the memories of his thoughts. He was surprised at what he found.

¨It’s,¨ his voice faded, ¨more than before.¨

¨Ok.¨ Hedberg noted on her iPad.

 

¨Do you ever feel like what you’re experiencing isn’t real or that you’re out of your body?¨

Genji eyed her suspiciously.

¨What? Is it a side-effect you’ve been expecting? You’ve asked similar questions before.¨

¨It’s called dissociation. It’s fairly common for those with anxiety.¨

¨Sure.¨

¨You don’t believe me,¨ Hedberg smirked.

¨You’re pumping me full with drugs, of course I’m feeling stuff like that. But you’re trying to mask it as some illness.¨

¨Since you got here, has the feeling in overall increased or declined?¨

Genji shook his head and shrugged.

¨I don’t know.¨

¨How about I prove you wrong?¨

¨How?¨

¨I’d like you to start taking a medicine called Gabapentin, 600 mg per day.¨

Genji furrowed his brow.

¨I’m pretty sure your dissociation will go down rather quickly.¨

¨No thanks.¨

_I like the feeling._

Hedberg sighed.

¨I know for many it’s not ideal to be on three psychiatric meds at the same time but it’s necessary and harmless. You’re under a lot of stress physically and mentally and that fuels your anxiety and depression. This cocktail will be good.¨

Genji looked at her with skeptical eyes.

¨I don’t need your brainwashing shit.¨

Hedberg let out a small breathy laugh.

¨I’ve taken all of these medicines at one point and I still take fluanxol.¨

He looked quizzically at her.

¨So you’re a psycho who is trying to cure a psycho?¨

¨None of us have psychotic symptoms so no.¨

¨Bullshit.¨ Genji faced away, tired of the conversation. ¨I don’t need anything.¨

 

¨Are you scared of recovering?¨

The question caught him off guard. He snapped his eyes to Hedberg and felt heat rising in his skin.

¨Of course I am,¨ he exclaimed, ¨you’re turning me into a machine!¨ His voice raised in volume. ¨I’m the plaything of you sadistic scientists! Of course I’m freaking out! I’ve never been so scared in my life!¨ His voice was roaring, accompanied with the crackling of the strained voice box. It hurt. The guard stood up from his seat. Mila stood on her hind legs with her front paws on Genji’s shoulder. She meowed repeatedly. Genji looked at her and slumped his shoulders. He clenched his jaw and faced away from Hedberg. They sat in awkward silence.

 

_Just leave._

 

¨You’re right, that was a stupid question,¨ she said, ¨how does the fear feel?¨

¨I don’t wanna talk.¨

¨It’s the last question. Then I’ll leave.¨

A moment went by.

¨Like… Centipedes in my stomach.¨

¨Thank you.¨

 

Hedberg stood up.

¨We’ll start with Gabapentin. 300 mg in the morning and in the evening.¨

Genji spit at her direction.

¨Go to hell.¨

 

She sighed, bowed slightly and left.

 

Mila rubbed her head against Genji’s chin. He closed his eyes and leaned into it.

 

_Did I really deserve this?_

 

* * *

 

Genji wanted to scream to say the least. He was strapped to an operation table and translucent lids had been placed on his eyes to keep them from closing. His eyes stung and they were filled with tears. He had to remind himself to keep breathing. He was so tense it hurt. It might have as well been a form of torture. The only comfort was Mila on his stomach. In the end he played with the beads on her paws. When it was finally over he closed his eyes and wiped away his tears. He enjoyed the soothing darkness and carefully massaged his eyelids. They wheeled him to a normal check-up room with Mila on his lap.

 

¨Can you please open your eyes so we know it worked,¨ Ziegler said. Genji opened them slowly, eager to see the result but scared of being disappointed. As his sight came into focus, he was shocked at how clear everything was. He could see the individual keys on the keyboard on the desk. He could see the spots on the ground. It was like having gone from 720 p to UHD. He looked at Ziegler and was taken aback at how clearly he saw her face. Even when people were close it had been fuzzy.

¨Why didn’t anyone tell me you’re gorgeous,¨ he chuckled. Genji looked down at Mila and her eyes were so magnificently detailed he gave a wide grin. He could even see the individual strands of fur.

 

¨I assume it was a success,¨ Ziegler smiled.

¨Yes.¨ Genji looked at Ziegler again.

_Why didn’t I noticed before how beautiful she is?_

 

On the way back to his room he actually looked at his surroundings.

_Who knew seeing things could be so fun?_

 

* * *

 

 

Angela restrained herself from barging into Louise’s office, and knocked on her door. No one answered.

 

¨Who is it,¨ Louise’s groggy voice finally said.

¨Angela.¨

¨Mmm… come in.¨ Angela quickly entered and saw Louise lying on the couch. She peeked lazily out from her blanket with her hair sticking in all directions.

 

¨What is it,¨ she slurred. Angela plopped down on a chair and faced the tired eyes of Louise.

¨Genji flirted with me,¨ she exclaimed. It took a second but Louise’s eyes widened and she grinned.

¨Really,¨ she peeped.

¨Yes! He said ‘why didn’t anyone tell me you’re gorgeous’.¨ Louise turned to the ceiling, scrunched up her face and stretched her arms and legs, toes and fingers curling.

¨That’s amazing,¨ she yawned. She shook of the sleep and sat up.

¨He’s getting better,¨ Louise smiled at Angela, ¨and he doesn’t hate you anymore!¨

¨And it’s all thanks to you!¨

¨I know, baby!¨

They high-fived. A satisfying ‘smack’  resounded.

¨I’m so happy he’s returning to his old self,¨ said Angela.

¨That gabapentin is doing wonders,¨ said Louise.

¨Does he understand it himself?¨

¨Probably not. We have to point it out to him!¨

¨Yes!¨

They giggled to themselves.

¨Thanks for telling me. This boy’s life ain’t over.¨

¨No, it isn’t!¨

¨Now can you please let me sleep, I have a meeting in 40 minutes,¨ said Louise.

¨Of course.¨

 

The two smiled at each other as they said goodbye. Angela walked out of there with a light spirit and Louise fell asleep with a big smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Genji shifted awkwardly as Ziegler administered the shots. He glanced at Mila lying at his feet and then at Ziegler. He sighed and bit the inside of his mouth.

 

¨Can I go out with Mila,¨ he asked reluctantly.

¨Hm,¨ Ziegler looked at him surprised.

¨Mila can’t just be inside all the time. She needs to go out.¨

¨Oh,¨ Ziegler’s eyes lit up, ¨of course! You can go to the training grounds after lunch.¨

¨Mm, thanks.¨

Genji avoided Ziegler’s smile. He felt like an idiot. It was not what Genji wanted but he had to settle for it.

 

He kept his head down as Ziegler wheeled him out to the giant training ground. Mila was on his lap. No one was close to them but there were a few around. Some were running on the track, others on the training machines. Ziegler settled them under a tree by the tables and benches. Genji looked at the tree, overwhelmed by seeing the individual leaves so clearly. He sat spellbound for a second. Ziegler sat down by him and took out an iPad to work with. Genji brought forth a laser pointer she had given him. With an eye on his surroundings he pointed the laser on the ground a meter ahead of him. Mila’s head popped up curiously at the red dot and quickly she jumped from his lap. She spread her front paws and tried to snatch the dot but it landed on top of them. Genji guided the laser further away from her and with erratic movements she tried to get it. He pointed it on a bench and she followed with a graceful jump. Then on the table and she diligently continued her hunt. It was strangely relaxing and fun to watch her play. Genji felt the smile tugging at his lips. He pointed it at the tree and with ease Mila jumped at the trunk and held fast with her claws. He guided her upwards. It was fascinated seeing her quick, calculated movements. He led her out on a branch but stopped.

_Wait, will she be able to get down?_

It wasn’t too far up but Mila didn’t seem like she had had a lot of time climbing. Mila looked confused around, trying to find the red dot.

 

Genji heard heavy footsteps closing in and looked at the source of the sound. He immediately frowned as he saw the idiot cowboy from days before approaching. He had forgotten his name.

 

¨Nice meeting you two here,¨ he said and tipped his stupid hat.

¨McCree,¨ Ziegler smiled.

¨I hope you are doing well.¨

¨Yes! It’s going so well that Genji even asked if he could to go outside,¨ she chuckled lightly.

Genji glowered at Ziegler.

¨Fantastic! Now Doc, I have a request.¨

Ziegler raised her brows in a condescending manner.

¨I’m not giving you the caduceus staff.¨

¨I know. But how about you follow us to the field? Then you can be sure we won’t do anything unethical,¨ McCree suggested with a smile.

¨I don’t have time.¨

¨Right,¨ McCree looked to Genji, ¨you’re lucky to have her for yourself y’know.¨

¨Didn’t ask for it. Please, take her to the field. She’s a bit too clingy for my taste.¨

Genji didn’t see Ziegler’s reaction but McCree gave a stiff laugh.

¨I’m sorry you have to deal with this, Angela. We’ll take him off your hands soon enough.¨

¨So you finally scheduled an execution date,¨ Genji joked deadpan.

¨We’re thinking more like a date with my fist.¨

¨I may be the ugliest shit you’ve seen but my ass still got standards.¨

McCree opened his mouth for a comeback but Ziegler interjected.

¨McCree, can you please help Mila down from the tree.¨

McCree looked to the tree and Mila sat like a loaf nervously moving her tail around. She let out tiny meows of distress. Genji immediately felt guilty.

¨Who’s cat is that,¨ McCree asked.

¨Mine,¨ Genji muttered.

¨Why does he get to have a cat,¨ he asked Ziegler with a frown.

¨It’s a service cat,¨ she answered, ¨just like Johnson got a service dog.¨

¨Man, PTSD really does seem lucrative,¨ he pouted.

¨If Louise were here she would’ve punched you.¨

¨I know,¨ he chuckled.

 

McCree took a hold of the branch Mila was on and raised himself up. He supported himself with his legs against the trunk. Genji forced himself to look at Mila so he wasn’t taken by McCree’s strength and long, firm body.

¨Hey, girl,¨ he cooed, ¨come here.¨ It took some convincing but Mila finally jumped to McCree’s arm.

¨What a good girl,¨ he smiled and dropped to the ground. He stroked her head as he went to Genji. Mila jumped to his lap and he felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction that she preferred him.

¨You’ve decided yet if you’re gonna stay,¨ he asked. Genji looked at him with furrowed brows.

¨I’m 99 percent shit but that last percent is me being true to those who raised me,¨ he grunted.

 

McCree didn’t say anything. He nodded with some peculiar expression that hid a lot of thought.

¨Well then, I’m off,¨ he said and then turned to Ziegler, ¨tell me if he’s any trouble and please consider my suggestion.¨

¨I will,¨ Ziegler let out a breath of a laugh.

¨See you later, Doc.¨ McCree tipped his hat and took his leave.

 

Genji studied him as he left. _I don’t get it. he’s more honest than Ziegler and Hedberg combined._

 

Genji spent a half hour more playing with Mila and pondering about McCree before they went in. He wanted to ask Ziegler some questions but of course he didn’t stoop so low.

 

* * *

 

 

¨We will present you with the finalized design of the cyborg suit on friday.¨

 

Genji had been postponing his duty, as always. He had in a way gotten comfortable with his reality and found excuses to not do what he should’ve done in the beginning; kill himself. Problem was that somehow along the way he had developed a survival instinct. Every time he thought about dying he felt a resistance, ever so tiny and flickering, When he thought of being able to move normally again he felt an attraction to the idea. The days leading up to friday was scary and confusing. In his dreams he saw Hanzo and Mother expecting him to off himself but he defied them. In the dreams he screamed and screamed and screamed. When he woke up he was stiff with rage and his throat felt sore.

 

It was friday morning and Genji returned to his room after showering. The commander was there. Genji felt smaller than he already did as the man looked at him. He felt stupid for not remembering his name.

 

¨Shimada, good morning,¨ the commander nodded with his head. Genji felt that he might’ve as well called him a wrong name.

¨Good morning,¨ he managed to get out. Ziegler turned on a holograph. A blueprint of an artificial human form with metal plates in certain places showed up.

_Am I gonna look like that?_

¨This is your new body, with it you will also have armor,¨ Ziegler said and another layer appeared with a robotic suit including a faceplate.

_It looks cool at least._

 

Ziegler went into an in-depth explanation how the suit would work. With muscle enhancements and stronger limbs he would be on par with super soldiers, such as Co. Reyes. He could however only train his muscles to a certain extent. His skin is extremely frail which is why he would have a strong synthetic skin to protect it and in battle he would have additional armor. In his prosthetic arm he would be able to store projectiles and easily get them to his hand. He would have support for his spine that he would only take off when sleeping. His faceplate would have breathing mechanisms and a visor with infra-sight and more.

 

Genji’s chest heaved quickly and it hurt immensely.

_It sounds friggin awesome but I can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t. They only want to use me to kill Hanzo and Mother and Uncle. But why should I care why should I care why should I care. They hate me and I hate them. But I shouldn’t._

Genji covered his eyes as tears welled up. Mila stood close to him and licked his hand.

_This is so embarrassing. So, so embarrassing!_

 

¨Genji,¨ Ziegler said softly and laid her hand on his shoulder. He twitched at the touch. He went quiet and still.

¨Why do you have so much anxiety,¨ Reyes’ voice filled the room.

Genji remained quiet, wishing he would drop dead right then and there. He cursed himself as a tear slipped down his cheek and fell on the sheet.

¨Look at me,¨ Reyes demanded. Fear rushed through Genji.

¨Look at me,¨ Reyes said again, leaving no room for opposition. Genji put down his hand and reluctantly looked at Reyes, avoiding direct eye contact.

¨Your anxiety doesn’t matter. You have a choice to either submit to us and begin a new life or be executed.¨

A suffocating wave went through Genji’s chest. Reyes waited a moment before he continued.

¨I’m gonna be nice and give you one day to decide. If you don’t say yes by tomorrow morning, that will be your last day.¨ 

Genji surprised himself when he looked at Ziegler for refuge. She terrified him instead. She stood tall with a stern and cold expression, as if she would force the 'right' choice out of him. Genji realized that there was more to her than he had imagined. Hers and Reyes' eyes were hurting. The moment dragged onto eternity and Genji could feel it in his skin. Mila buffed her nose against him. He gripped her paw.

¨See you tomorrow,¨ Genji jolted at Reyes' voice. ¨I expect a good answer. I know that you can become something great.¨

 

Reyes left. It was awkwardly silent and Ziegler still stood close to him. He put a hand on Mila. He faced down and closed his eyes.

_I don’t wanna do anything. If I just shut myself off, I won’t have to deal with anything._

Ziegler dropped her stature a bit and sighed.

 

¨I’m sorry,¨ she said. The apology peeked Genji’s interest. ¨I’m the one who put you in this situation.¨ She didn't sound regretful. Rather, it was like she stood her ground. ¨However, I don’t think I’m wrong. If you decide to go through with this you’ll help an incredible amount of people. You’re a criminal who’s been given a second chance. Not only that, but you’ll be given a new body. To simply say yes you’ll be among the stronger. You’re worth more than what your family said you were.¨

¨Go away,¨ Genji mumbled.

¨Don’t-¨

¨Go away.¨

 

He saw Ziegler’s legs stand still for a moment longer before she walked to the door and left. The guard, who was always standing awkwardly in the background, was left. He was mere background noise at this point, part of the interior.

 

Genji looked at Mila and nuzzled his head against hers.

 

_I’d have to fight Hanzo. I’ve never been able to beat him. But with this body I probably will. Of course he still has those dragons. Do I even have mine left? I can’t possibly be considered a Shimada anymore. Wouldn’t it be funny though. They thought I was capable of nothing but now I have to power to utterly destroy them. Maybe I did deserve this but since when did I ever follow the rules. I just have to live with it. Live with having destroyed Anija’s and Mother’s lives. And Haru’s and Shu’s and Chie’s and-_

 

Faces and their lives clogged Genji’s head. It started to hurt. The day was impossibly slow with contradicting thoughts tearing his mind. In the end he couldn’t stop thinking about hurting Hanzo. Punching him, cutting him, strangling him. He even saw himself pining his terrified mother against a wall.

 

_They don’t have to know it’s me. I don’t even have to be Genji anymore._

 

When Reyes walked in next morning, Genji sat in his bed beside his body. He almost forgot to answer when Reyes asked how he was. Ziegler was standing to the side, looking concerned. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why she was so worried about him. Their voices seemed so far away.

¨Have you decided?¨

Genji looked at Reyes. He felt that his eyes were empty. This was maybe the only way for him to do this. If he was still in his body he would be too selfless, before he didn’t even know he could be that caring.

¨Yes, I accept.¨ He was worried his voice was too low but Reyes gave a satisfied smile. It almost brought Genji back to reality.

¨You made the right choice,¨ he said. Ziegler’s shoulders seem to slump a little bit and she smiled faintly.

 

Genji feigned attention as Reyes said some things. He faked a reaction when Ziegler praised him. Nothing held substance for him. He knew what he had agreed to but he didn’t feel anything.

 

_I might as well stay like this. If I’m not Genji I don’t have to feel guilty._

 

With the hours ticking by, his senses eventually got back to normal. He felt a thorny lump in his stomach and he had to concentrate on his breathing for the rest of his day.

  
_Despite everything, I’ve failed. Good to know I never was more than shit. But that’s okay. I’d never be more than that anyway. Now I can settle for some good old fashion revenge complete with suicide in the end. Nice._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A very rude way to address someone
> 
> Mila's a bombay cat and she's here to stay.
> 
> FINALLY! This is the final chapter in the hospital arc! Blackwatch is coming and it's gonna be so much fun with McCree and Reyes!!! And thank you all who leave kudos, it means so much!!!
> 
> Medical notes:  
> I think I explained all that's needed in the chapter. But let me just say that one time I forgot to take my gabapentin and I went home early from a friends gathering and violently sobbed in my mom's arm cause I thought no one loved me. The wonders of not taking your meds.


	7. Cowboy's ain't good teachers, but they're great pardners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genji joins Reyes' Blackwatch Strike Team, which McCree is also a part of. So. Be ready for the gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all who've shown your support!  
> I love you so much<3 it means a lot :D

The room was far from welcoming. The walls were dark and naked. There was a single door tucked away in a corner and a big window disguised as a mirror. Genji sat in a hard chair by a steel table. On it was a microphone. He could see faint stains on the scratched surface, presumably blood, maybe even vomit. It was eerily silent. He had already been in it a few times. All the information he had to relay could not fit into one interrogation.

 

Reyes walked in wearing a casual smile. He wore the mandatory black clothes and beanie. He sat down across Genji and placed a tablet on the table.

 

¨How are you feeling?¨

¨Good.¨ Genji was a nervous wreck. He felt vulnerable without Mila.

¨Let’s not waste any time.¨ Reyes’ voice was a deep, authoritative one. His entire demeanor made one respect him. Genji couldn’t help but to think of Hanzo for a second.

 

They started with hide-outs, schedules, routines, interests, money and relations. Genji knew beforehand what was going to be asked. He had prepared answers but it was dizzying recounting so much information. Despite the number of times he had gone through this, it was still surrealistic. He felt a creepy sense of detachment. Like he erased every piece he mentioned from his life. It was jarring talking about Hanzo and Mother. Reyes didn’t show any sort of understanding for Genji and the mental shitpile he was in. That was for the better.

 

¨Kazuhiko, the spy who saved you, said that Hanzo called forth dragons to kill you. Is that true?¨

Genji swallowed.

¨Yes.¨

¨What are they?¨

¨A manifestation of the soul, a technique used by the Shimada’s for centuries.¨

¨Can you do it?¨

¨No, it’s only passed on to the first born.¨

¨I don’t appreciate lies.¨

¨I’m not lying.¨

Reyes eyed Genji.

¨How does it work?¨

¨It sucks the life out of and distorts living things.¨

¨Does it work against structures?¨

¨Yes but it's not as effective.¨

¨Does it have any weaknesses?¨

_Besides a stronger spirit?_

¨No, but it requires a large amount of stamina and is only used as last resort.¨

¨Hm.¨

 

Reyes sat quiet for a while, deep in thought. Genji was surprised over how quickly he accepted the existence of spirit dragons. The scepticism of modern day made it difficult for people to believe in it. That was fortunate. It made it easier to hide. Genji hadn’t tried to summon his dragon since he got to Overwatch. He was not interested in getting another confirmation that his family had rejected him.

 

When the interrogation was over, Genji was beyond exhausted. That was not the last session either. He dragged his heavy body back to his room and collapsed on the small couch. He lied still for a minute, feeling nothing in particular. Mila sat on top of him. He didn't acknowledge it. He blinked a number of times as if rebooting. He felt thoughts creeping up on him and he quickly turned on a movie. A comedy that entertained and distracted his mind, usually.

 

_It won’t be long until I meet him again. He won’t know it’s me, but I want him to. But I- Wait. Who? I can’t be the same person as before, right?_

 

Genji looked to his prosthetic hand. He moved his fingers slightly. He wasn’t sure but they seemed to be a second late. He did it again. They seemed to be a second early. A sickening feeling pooled as his mind became dull. He felt his eyes become stale and his gaze unable to move from the hand. He lifted it to touch his nose. The fingers meet the metal plate and couldn’t feel the outline of a face. He inhaled for three seconds, held his breath, and exhaled for the same amount of time. He fumbled to take the faceplate off, but with trembling hands he couldn’t. Failing to do so, his breaths got deeper and longer. His mouth was dry.

 

He finally managed to move his eyes to the TV screen. The current scene was dark. He saw a robot looking back at him. He leaned to the side and the robot mirrored his movement. A suffocating panic rushed through him and he buried his head in his hands. He felt his whole body expand with the quick breaths and he exaggerated the movements. He was supposed to feel every part of his body but he didn’t. He made quiet noises, ¨ah¨ sounds that faded quickly and began anew.

 

When his muscles were drained he let out a shriek. He jumped to his feet and felt his eyes strain as they widened. With loud panting he took his shirt off, tearing the seams. He grabbed a vase and smashed it. The plant, dirt and pieces fell to the ground. Genji took one of the shards and brought it to the junction of his flesh and the prosthetic. He cut into a small opening in the synthetic skin. Blood poured out and he tried to dig out the clasps that connected him to that _thing_.

 

¨This is not my body, this is not my body!¨ He screamed. It was hot and suffocating under his mask. The tears irritated his skin. Realizing he couldn’t get off the prosthetic with merely that, he threw the shard aside. He grabbed onto his arm and pulled. It stung but the adrenaline minimized the pain. He pulled with all his might and he saw his soft skin turn red and start tearing.

 

¨Genji! Genji!¨

He startled and turned around. Dr Ziegler rushed from the door to him. She grabbed his arms and looked into his visor.

¨Let go,¨ she said quietly.

 

Genji remained still and did not respond. He looked at her and wondered who she was addressing. She gently guided his arms apart. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. The gesture surprised him. Shaking, Genji raised his arms and embraced her. They carefully sat down. Like that, he was back to reality. He was overwhelmed by feeling her weight and pressure. He couldn’t feel her warmth, but as he leaned his head against her shoulder, he smelled the medicines and honey.

 

Feeling her breasts pressed against his own chest, he remembered a former life. This had been as normal as food and drink. He had felt everything physical pleasure had to offer; be it soft, warm, wet, hard, pain, bliss or fragrant. For a moment, the memories brought _him_ back. He wanted to see how Dr Ziegler, Angela, looked as her clothes dropped to the floor. He wanted to feel her naked skin against his. He wanted to hear her gasp- He had, months ago. She had desperately gasped for air as his metal hand strangled her. He had used all of his measly strength to get to see her dead.

 

Genji jerked back. Dr Ziegler’s hands remained on him. It was shameful having them there.

¨Do you feel better,¨ she asked softly.

¨Mm,¨ Genji managed to reply with some difficulty.

¨What happened?¨

¨Nothing.¨ That was the dumbest answer and yet the most correct one he could think of.

He noticed Mila resting her head on his thigh, looking up at him.

¨She brought me here,¨ Dr Ziegler smiled.

Genji looked at Mila with such affection he'd thought he would never feel again.

 

Dr Ziegler stood up.

¨Come, let’s clean you up.¨

Genji wanted to say no, but she would drag him to the infirmary if she had to. He quietly, with a low head, followed her. As he saw her walking with confident steps, he was filled to the brim with shame for even having thought of hurting her. For the first time in his life he felt that there was no excuse for his actions.

 

After patching Genji up, Dr Ziegler left the infirmary, leaving him and Dr Hedberg. She was a brilliant doctor but it was off-putting how spot on she could be. He was not looking forward to another session of her seeing right through him.

 

“Do you know what triggered it,” she asked.

Genji looked to the window, mindlessly petting Mila on his lap.

“I just freaked out.”

“Why?” 

“I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm fine now.”

“It's been a long time since you've had a panic attack.” said Hedberg, “Have you been feeling more anxious lately?”

“I don't know.”

 

Self-reflection had never been Genji's strong suit. As soon as he had gotten to Overwatch he was expected to be a master of it.

 

“Have you thought about hurting yourself recently?”

“You don't have to worry. I don't plan on hurting myself. It was spontaneous.”

“Dr Ziegler said you tried to pry your arm off. Have you dissociated?”

 

Genji ignored the tingle in his chest; the anxiety he always got when she was correct.

“I guess. I mean it's natural, isn't it?”

Genji lifted his prosthetic arm.

“This isn't my body, so why should I feel like it is?”

“It’s understandable but it’s something that should be treated.”

“Why? Hasn't done any harm.”

Hedberg gave him a ‘oh really’ look.

“This was a weird, one-time thing. It's...,” he stopped for a second, wondering how honest he should be, “Dissociation is nice.”

“It's a sign of anxiety. You don't get panic attacks out of the blue either. It must've been building up. The changes coming probably caused you stress”

“Sure.”

“In one word; how did you feel when Commander Reyes interrogated you?”

Genji tightened his lips.

“Terrified.”

“How have you felt the last few days, focusing on moving to Blackwatch?”

“Terrified. But how else would I feel?”

“It's one thing to be nervous. To suffer of it is unhealthy.”

Genji scoffed.

“Then my entire existence is unhealthy. You ask if I feel this or that and I don't know what to say because I either never feel it or always feel it. If these pills of yours are meant to take this anxiety away, there won't be anything of me left.”

He felt the bitter features on his face.

 

“Yes, there is more to you,” Hedberg said with an impossible amount of conviction, “you like comedies, sharp ones that has a message. You like Mila, you like cuddling with her. You like spicy food. You like physical exercise and use it to clear your thoughts. You like to joke and flirt. You have a sharp-tongue. You appreciate beauty and find something attractive in everyone.”

 

“How incredibly shallow,” he mumbled.

 

“I'm not done. These are small things that will evolve and become clearer when you've recovered. You don't know what your beliefs or values are, right?”

 

“No.”

 

“And that's normal when you're this sick. Depression clouds and twists your beliefs. You don't know what's right or wrong, nor your value. Or you have a distorted view on it. For example you don’t know if it's right to punch someone if they’ve insulted you. Or you are certain that the world would be better off without you.”

 

Her words were heavy and demanding to take in.

 

“You think that those thoughts are all there is to you and you forget how you were before. Maybe you even think that you've always were like this. You think that if the medicine is meant to take these things away, they'll take everything and you'll be empty. That's not true. That's all lies”

 

He didn't believe her. It was all too much sunshine. He wanted so desperately to zone out.

 

¨This is an illness. When you've had a fever for days you forget what feeling healthy is like. You can even feel that you might never recover. But you will. When you do recover there'll be a myriad of feelings, thoughts, expressions and ideas. You'll be overwhelmed over how deep and intricate you really are.”

 

“Stop saying bullshit. I'm done,” Genji snapped.

 

“I know this because I've helped hundreds of people like you,¨ she persisted, ¨I've seen them before the illness, during and after. Then I’ll see them in the dumps again and they still manage to get better. You think you are the only one in the world who feels this. You're not. 25%* people in this world have felt it. People in this base are feeling it. I've felt it and will feel it again. This isn't some unique, deep, poetic stuff. It's medical, and it's solved with science. That science is medicine and therapy. To tell the truth, if I had full control you wouldn't be here. You would be at a retreat. Life's unfair, but it is manageable.”

 

“Then tell me, when am I going to recover? It's been over a year and not shit is better!”

 

“Yes, it is. First off, you want to live. Second, you have an ambition, even though it's not the best one. You talk and express yourself. You make decisions for yourself. ‘Now I'm going to go for a run. Now I'm going to watch a movie.’ You have energy and wants, and you do them. You joke with us. You prepare yourself for what's to come.”

 

He didn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. Yet, there was some bullshit logic in his head that did.

 

“Usually, recovery is three years. Given your extreme case and that you are not in the optimal environment, it will take longer. For me it was seven years, and if I'm not careful I'll fall back down and I will eventually. But I can always get up. You're human, Genji.”

 

The last sentence rubbed him in a weird way.

 

“You’re not that unique from the rest of us. You have the same framework in your brain. The same rules apply to you. You're not special enough to be the exception to the rule.”

 

She stopped talking. Which was fortunate enough. It hurt to listen. The air was thick and waiting for Genji's reaction. He felt as if he was supposed to have some grand realization. He realised nothing.

 

“Go and rest,” Hedberg said and stood up, “it doesn't matter if you believe me or not. The truth’s the truth and you'll reach it eventually.”

 

“Anyone told you how irritating your sermons are?”

 

“Plenty of times. With and without threats.” She gave a lopsided smile. “Now get up.”

 

Genji felt like a child being comforted by his mother. It was patronizing.

 

He got up and Mila jumped down on her feet.

 

“I don't have much of a choice anyway. You guys will force me to feel these things.”

 

Hedberg looked at him. She clearly disagreed but let him have his thoughts.

 

The rest of the day was uneventful. Genji's head was filled with bothersome thoughts. It was exhausting to try and organize them. He continued to watch the movie.

 

_Who needs to evaluate their lives anyway._

 

* * *

 

Genji wanted to cry as he dragged himself up at 4 in the morning. He gathered his few belongings, mostly clothes and the oil used to take care of his metal body. As well as a bag with Mila’s stuff. She meowed defiantly when Genji tried to wake her up. She slowly stood up and stretched her legs.

 

“Me too _,_ ” Genji sympathized. He ended up carrying her.

 

Some military guy stood ready outside his room to lead him through the facility. It was daunting to move out from where he had lived for the past year. When they exited the medbay the air was crisp and the dew was fresh. There were a few soldiers jogging along the track. Birds gentle singing echoed throughout. Mila struggled to keep her eyes open. It was strangely serene. Genji didn’t know how he was suppose to feel. He wasn’t nervous or excited. He guessed he didn’t feel anything. Except the longing for a bed.

 

In the training room they entered, Reyes stood ready wearing training clothes. He wore no beanie and Genji finally got to see his hair. It was black and thick with an undercut. The man who had guided him said ¨good luck, don’t die¨ and left. It was only slightly terrifying to be facing Reyes. Genji had to remind himself that he had a literal cyborg body.

 

¨Good morning, Agent,¨ Reyes greeted, ¨tired?¨

¨Good morning Commander Reyes,¨ Genji bowed, ¨no, I am full with energy.¨ Genji felt weird but at the same time the respectful manner came naturally.

¨Are you ready to get your ass kicked,¨ Reyes smirked.

¨Yes...?¨

¨Yes what?¨

¨Yes sir!¨

¨Good. Come over where.¨ Reyes motioned in front of him and Genji complied.

¨It’s been some time since you've fought properly. We’ll start easy.¨

 

After a quick warm-up, it was time.

Reyes raised his fists in front of his face as a guard. Genji widened his stance and readied his palms. He had trained ever since he got the physical capacity to but he knew Reyes would be difficult.

 

He swung his left and then quickly retracted it to hit with his right. Reyes blocked with ease. Genji was surprised over the sheer strength of Reyes’ arms. He didn’t have to hold back against him.

 

¨Good! Be aggressive,¨ he encouraged.

 

Genji threw one punch after another. One came from underneath, another from high. One came with full force to make Reyes use all his guard on that one. Genji used the opportunity to go directly for the face but Reyes easily ducked his head. Genji kicked, aiming for the head. Reyes was too well coordinated and managed to block with his arm in time, even though his head wasn’t in the usual place.

 

¨Nice!¨

 

Genji dreaded to think how it would be if Reyes went on the offensive. He continued with light punches, to get Reyes used to one type of attack. A few seconds of that and he went to grab Reyes’ wrist. He succeeded and twisted it around. Reyes swiped at Genji’s leg and he lost balance. Genji stumbled to the side but grounded himself quickly. Reyes freed himself. Genji took a moment and looked at him. He was surprised over how much he was panting.

 

¨Come on! You’d be dead by now!¨

 

Genji knew the frustration in his chest too well. He launched at Reyes. He was forced back and Genji started to deliver blows both at his face and abdomen. It didn’t hurt as Reyes blocked his attacks and it finally hit Genji. He could add more strength than he did when he had a normal body.

 

Genji landed a fist directly on Reyes’ forearm and the arm was forced inward. Not even a second later Genji went for Reyes’ face. As he used his other arm to block, Genji slammed his knee into Reyes’ stomach. Reyes gasped and stumbled back. Genji kept his guard up. In the dojo, the opponent’s vulnerability was merely a distraction. Reyes held his arm around his stomach and chuckled as he caught his breath.

 

¨Impressive,¨ Reyes breathed, ¨remember, your limits have decreased significantly.¨

¨Yes.¨

Reyes gave a glare.

¨Yes sir.¨

Reyes smiled and straightened himself. He held his fists up like before.

 

¨Now, give me all you got.¨

 

They continued to train for another hour. Genji was made more than aware of his bad stamina. He hadn’t eaten breakfast and his stomach screamed for food. It was disgusting feeling the sweat against everything artificial. Dr Ziegler had been so kind to include breathing mechanisms but it was still hot and sticky. At the end of the training Genji panted like his lungs were never going to have air again. Away from Reyes’ sight Genji gulped an entire bottle of water. He was near on collapsing but his pride, and fear for Reyes, kept him up. When they were done, Reyes gave a satisfied smile.

 

“You’ve got a lot of promise, kid.”

 

Genji thought himself to be so immature as he felt a little bit of pride in his chest.

 

* * *

 

He hadn’t felt so nervous to meet new people ever since he was a teenager. Reyes lead him to his new quarters which he would share with the rest of Reyes’ Strike Team.

 

When he opened the door Genji heard feet scrambling. The room was big with four windows on the right side. There were six beds in total, three on either sides, perfectly lined up. By the beds were cases for the bed-owner’s belongings. There was a TV and computer behind to the left. The walls were covered in posters. Everything from video games and movies to art and scientific graphs. By each of the beds, except one, stood a person, with a straight back. One of them was the one and only McCree. Of course he was wearing his cowboy hat. They looked straight forward.

 

¨Good morning, agents,¨ Reyes projected his voice.

¨Sir, good morning sir,¨ they chorused.

 

_This was the very thing I’ve avoided my whole life._

 

¨This right here is Genji Shimada.¨

 

_Don’t use that name._

 

Genji bowed.

¨It’s an honor to work with you. Please be patient with me.¨ When he raised himself, they were still looking ahead.

 

¨He’s your new playmate so be nice,¨ Reyes said, ¨Rollcall!¨

The person closest to the right, an African woman, spoke up.

¨Joan Chepkemei!¨

 

_Do they always have to shout?_

 

There were 3 others, excluding McCree. A scandinavian man named Sam Tuisko, a black French woman named Denile Jacques and lastly an American woman named Beatrice Monson.

Genji was excellent at remembering names and faces but some seemed like torture to pronounce.

 

¨At ease,¨ Reyes said after the introductions. They finally looked at Genji and he immediately felt like fading away. Against his better judgement he looked at McCree. He gave a wink and smirked. It was strangely welcoming, but annoying.

 

“Help him move in and have breakfast,” Reyes instructed, “we’ll start training at 0600 hours. Understood?”

“Yessir!”

“Then stop wasting time!”

 

Reyes took his leave and Genji looked at him with equal fear and confusion.

 

_I never understood why these things have to be so aggressive. Just ask me nicely._

 

Everyone immediately dropped their stature. Tuisko stretched and fell back on his bed. Chepkemei yawned loudly and pulled out her phone. McCree and Jacques walked up to Genji with Monson standing awkwardly in the back.

 

¨How’re ya feeling?¨ McCree asked, like he was interested in Genji’s well-being.

¨Good. Have you ever gotten your ass kicked by Reyes 5 minutes after you’ve woken up?¨

¨Yeah,¨ Jacques chuckled.

¨That’s the inauguration,¨ McCree said, ¨and you got the easy version of it.” Jacques nodded.

¨Don’t be afraid to ask any questions,¨ Jacques smiled, ¨I can’t wait to see how strong you are!¨

 

Genji was taken aback. Something with what she said made him uncomfortable.

 

¨Dude, that is the most adorable cat,¨ Monson said. Mila was standing close to Genji. ¨What’s her name?¨

¨Mila.¨

¨Is she going to live with us?¨

¨Yes.¨

Monson’s face stretched out in a grin.

¨Can… can I pet her?¨ she asked with a sheepish smile.

 

_No._

 

¨Yes.¨

 

Monson moved with excited steps and plopped down by Mila. Genji took a step backward as she did not seem to take notice of his personal space. After letting Mila sniff her, she started the sacred ritual of making childish and affectionate noises to her.

 

¨We should go eat before Sørensen’s squad takes all the nutella,¨ Chepkemei said, voice beautifully low and no-nonsense.

¨Go on without me,¨ Tuisko waved a feeble hand, ¨I just gotta...¨ the words faded. ¨Y’know.¨ That was all he managed to say. Genji raised a brow at the almost-sleeping man.

 

The rest collectively rolled their eyes to different degrees. They headed for the door on the other end of the room. McCree motioned his head for Genji to follow them.

 

As they walked to the cafeteria, banter was showing no end. Jacques, Chepkemei and McCree discussed their preferences on guns; a topic Genji could not engage in at all. Monson asked question after question about Mila. Genji answered as politely as he could, but he didn’t manage to hide all of his annoyance. McCree finally saved him by asking about the interrogation, which honestly wasn’t that much better.

 

¨So did Reyes feel like a God with power to pass judgement or like a very strict and inquisitive grandma?¨ McCree asked.

 

_What the hell kind of question is that?_

 

¨I’ve been in both of those situation so no. He felt more like an authority who could ship my ass straight back to Japan for execution.¨

McCree realised Genji’s feelings and showed awareness of his stupidity. He kept quiet.

 

The lunchroom was a horror to be behold. A dull place with dull food and annoying people that wouldn’t let you eat in private. He had never in his life eaten in a giant hall with ‘commoners’. There was an outside sitting area, in the same giant courtyard as usual. One could see the entrance to the medbay from it.

 

People didn’t even try to hide their stares. They were eyeing Genji up and down and looked quizzically at the rest of the team. Genji’s chest felt like iron. Jacques seemed to try and usher him away from their gaze.

 

Genji had already figured out what he was going to do. He made sure he was last in line. When he got his tray with soup, bread and some ham, he quietly turned on his heel and went for the corridor.

 

¨Where’re you going?¨ McCree called out.

¨To eat,¨ Genji said without stopping or looking back. McCree grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.

 

¨Ya gotta sit with-¨

¨I don’t want you to lose your appetites,¨ Genji said with such deadpanned politeness it shut McCree right up. Genji rolled off his hand and continued walking. McCree sighed and hurried to grab his tray.

 

¨Don’t care about your insecurities,¨ he was already exasperated, ¨if I let ya out of my sight Reyes will kill me.¨

¨Don’t worry, Doctor Ziegler can take care of that.¨

McCree breathed a laugh.

¨I know a private place,¨ he said and took the lead.

 

_That used to be an exciting phrase._

 

It was a tucked away corner with benches and a table. When they had taken their seats McCree started to eat, clearly hungry. His portion size was a bit scary, but he was a large man. Genji sat and looked, feeding Mila with ham. McCree caught Genji’s stare and grimaced.

¨What?¨

¨Nothing,¨ Genji sighed with a hint of irritation. He took his bowl and turned around. He placed it on the bench so he could take of his mask. He felt McCree’s eyes on him but as long as he didn’t see any flesh Genji didn’t mind.

 

They ate in awkward silence, air full with thoughts and questions. Genji had to stomach the atmosphere as well as the tasteless soup. He regretted he hadn’t brought any spices. He quickly finished eating and put his mask back on.

 

¨You plan on doing this every meal?¨ McCree asked.

¨Yes.¨

McCree sighed heavily.

¨Well, you’ll change,¨ he said as if to comfort himself.

 

_Another reason not to change._

 

Genji didn’t face McCree. He looked at Mila eating his leftover bread, equally as enthralled by her as he was when they first met.

 

It had been forever since Genji had been alone with McCree. It was refreshing. Unlike with Ziegler, Hedberg and Reyes, he didn’t get anxious around McCree. He tried nothing, pretended nothing and expected nothing.

 

¨How long have you been in Blackwatch?¨ Genji couldn’t deny the fact that he was interested.

¨Ten years.¨

¨And you’ve stayed sane?¨

¨Was less sane before.¨

Genji let the answer sink in. McCree’s mysterious past seemed too juicy to remain a secret.

 

¨Was it the same inauguration?¨

¨Heh, yeah, but with a lot more bruises and a gunshot.¨

Genji snorted and turned around.

¨What did you do?¨

¨Look, I wasn’t worse than you. You woulda gotten the same treatment if you didn’t get here two-thirds to death.¨

¨Lucky me.¨

¨Yeah.¨

Morbid as it was, the corner of their lips tugged at the jokes.

 

When they got back, Jacques, Chepkemei and Monson were waiting for Tuisko. He ate his sandwich at 10 m/h*. Chepkemei acknowledged Genji and McCree. She grimaced a ‘why did you leave’ question. McCree dismissed it with a wave. Chepkemei wasn't happy with the answer but let it go.

 

¨Tuisko, finish the sandwich on the way to training,¨ she ordered and stood up to leave. The rest followed. Genji was surprised that McCree wasn’t the leader. Then again, all he knew about McCree’s abilities was that he supposedly had deadly aim.

 

They were in the same training room. Tuisko managed to finish his sandwich right before they walked in. Reyes was waiting for them there, like before. The team stood in a line before him. Genji mimicked their stance before anyone could see he had no idea what they were doing.

 

¨As you know, for the next two months we are only going to do three things,¨ Reyes spoke, ¨simulations, hand-to-hand combat and aim practice. ¨When we are not training you will teach Shimada everything he must know. How to read reports, how to write reports, the ins and outs of the base, terminology, usage of comm devices and so on and so forth. You know this already. McCree, it’s your responsibility to see that this gets done.¨

 

¨Yessir!¨ They chorused.

 

Under his mask, Genji’s face scrunched up in embarrassment. He had known this but it didn’t make it hurt less to be reduced to a toddler with five mildly annoyed guardians.

 

¨Shimada, your sparring partner will be Chepkemei,¨ Reyes instructed, ¨aside from me she’s the only one who can match your strength.¨

 

¨Understood,¨ Genji said.

 

¨Then let’s get started!¨

 

* * *

 

The pain was a reminder of the distant past. Endless and rigorous training in the dojo that ended with Genji eating ice cream to relax. It wasn’t bad pain, he knew what that truly was. This was a sign that he was getting better, and the giant bruise forming on Chepkemei’s cheek testified of it as well.

 

_I have a chance._

 

Genji and McCree ate in private again. Genji waited until the showers were empty before he took his. There was a shower that had a screen separating it from the others and McCree waited outside.

 

When he got back everyone was relaxing. It was a casual atmosphere and too friendly to include him. Genji and McCree sat down by a table to begin ‘tutoring’. Monson and Jacques were sitting on a bed together, reading something on a pad and commenting on it. Genji noticed Monson glancing at Mila at times who was on his lap. Chepkemei sat at a table by herself and wrote reports. Tuisko played some video game with headphones on. Genji recognized it. It was a fun platformer with sharp controls. He hadn’t played any games since he got to Overwatch.

 

¨Genji,¨ McCree took Genji’s attention away from the screen, ¨let’s get started.¨

¨Yes, thank you,¨ said Genji.

¨Mm,¨ McCree grunted. That small sound spiked Genji’s anxiety.

 

McCree pulled out a list of words. It was rankings and how to address them, mission types, callsigns, commands, and more. All in all, it was a small book contained on the pad. McCree handed it over to Genji and stood up.

 

¨Ask if you need help,¨ he pulled out a cigarette, ¨I gotta take a smoke.¨

 

¨Uh, yes,¨ Genji mumbled. He felt like an idiot for thinking that McCree would actually sit with him.

 

¨Well, you’re a shit teacher,¨ Chepkemei remarked without looking away from her phone.

¨Ain’t trained to do it,¨ McCree shrugged.

¨I wonder what Boss would say about you taking a smoke instead.¨

¨Hey, he only said I needed to make sure it got done. Not that I had to babysit the whole process.¨

¨I’m fine,¨ Genji exclaimed, ¨Really! I’ll do just fine. Thank you, McCree.¨ He bowed his head. ¨And you’ve got shit taste in cigarettes.¨

 

McCree was taken aback and looked at his cigarette for a second.

 

¨Look, we can’t all be spoiled brats,¨ he retorted with a lopsided smile and left.

 

Jacques sighed.

“I can help you,” she offered.

“No, I'm fine.”

Genji would rather die than bothering someone.

 

It was like learning kanji all over again. Except now some sounds felt like mush in his mouth. When he said the words it was below a whisper. Some terms he already knew. It wouldn’t take too long to learn all of them. He just needed to read through them every day. Finally, the study methods he was forced to use in school would be useful.

 

What was difficult was sitting in a room full of strangers; the room that was their home. He felt like a misplaced puzzle piece. Touching Mila soothed him a little bit. He was scared that someone would walk up to him and start a conversation. He kept an eye on all of them, fearing the social atmosphere that appeared by merely being in the same room.

 

When McCree got back, Genji’s chest finally let go of its tension.

 

¨Hey guys,¨ Chepkemei called out with a small smile, ¨Amari is going to join us for our next mission!¨

¨Really?¨ McCree’s face lit up, as did Monson’s and Jacques’. Tuisko didn’t seem to hear anything.

¨It makes sense,¨ said Jacques, ¨we’re going to bust a storehouse right?¨ Chepkemei nodded. ¨It’s gonna be a lot of open ground, she’ll be great cover.¨

 

¨Who’s Amari?¨ Genji asked.

¨The best shot in all of Overwatch and Blackwatch,¨ McCree said with admiration, ¨she was with Boss and Chepkemei in the Omnic Crisis too.¨

 

Genji looked at Chepkemei. He didn’t know she had been part of Overwatch for so long.

 

¨You will love to work with her,¨ Jacques smiled, ¨you’ll never feel safer on the field.¨

 

¨Wait,¨ Tuisko took off his headphones, ¨haven’t you heard of her, Shimada?¨

¨Call me Genji, and no. I was stuck in a hospital.¨

¨Didn’t she have a dispute with Doctor Ziegler? It was big too, you should’ve noticed.¨

¨Yeah, it’s still ongoing,¨ said McCree.

¨What kind of dispute?¨ Genji asked.

¨Amari is doing something with Ange- Ziegler’s technology. Too complicated for me to understand,¨ McCree explained.

 

Genji hadn’t noticed anything. Ziegler had been frustrated at times but he didn’t know it could’ve been about that.

 

¨Doctor Ziegler, she has a lot of say in Overwatch, doesn’t she?¨ Genji asked.

¨Given that she’s a literal miracle worker, yeah,¨ McCree said.

¨People weren’t too happy with her leaving the field for a year,¨ Tuisko mentioned.

¨She was in the field?¨

¨You didn’t even know that?¨ Tuisko was surprised.

 

_Well, I have a vague memory of Reyes saying something about it._

 

¨She wouldn’t have mentioned it,¨ Jacques defended Genji’s ignorance.

¨She’s a field medic,¨ McCree explained, ¨She left it temporarily to work on you.¨

 

Genji went quiet, and then all internal hell broke loose.

 

_She left the field to fix me? She left such an important duty to fix shitpile-me? How many people were unnecessarily hurt or killed because of me keeping her for myself? And I haven’t even thanked her for it. I haven’t shown an inch of gratitude for all the sacrifices she’s made. All I’ve ever done is hurt her._

 

¨You alright there, buddy?¨ McCree asked. Genji had been sitting still and quiet like a rock, staring at nothing.

¨Y-yes, I am.¨ Genji tried to shake off the onslaught of centipedes picking at his flesh.

¨Have you worked with her?¨ Genji tried his utmost to hide his unstable breath.

¨Yeah!¨ McCree smiled. ¨It’s super fun, you get to be a reckless idiot!¨

 

¨Ziegler has legit contemplated not healing you because of your stupid suicide missions,¨ Chepkemei called him out.

¨Yeah, but what is life without stupid suicide missions?¨ McCree smiled like an smug idiot.

¨Boss isn’t too happy either that his son is idiotically challenging death every mission,¨ Chepkemei sneered.

¨Don’t call me his son,¨ McCree grimaced.

¨He basically signed adoption papers for you,¨ Jacques joked.

 

¨I’m gonna report him to social services for shooting his own son then,¨ McCree said and sat down by Genji, ¨You gettin’ the hang of it?¨

¨Yes,¨ Genji said, not interested in his homework, ¨so you really are Commander Reyes’ dog then?¨

¨Where on earth did you get that idea?¨

¨Hedberg mentioned you getting picked up by him.¨

¨I’m just grateful is all. Besides he’s my superior, of course I’ll do what he tells me.¨

¨Did he tell you to be a shitty teacher?¨

McCree looked peeved.

¨He told me to babysit you so you won’t go back running to your oh-so-kind family.¨

 

Genji didn’t say anything. The joke that took it too far finally happened. Jacques shot a glare at McCree.

 

_Don’t bother._

 

¨Fortunately I’m fine without a teacher. I’ll know this by the end of the week.¨

¨Really?¨ McCree raised his brow skeptically.

¨Bet you a secret,¨ Genji gave a sly smile under his mask.

¨You’re on.¨

 

¨Holy crap, it didn’t take long for the sexual tension to appear,¨ Tuisko exclaimed. Monson and Jacques laughed. Chepkemei cracked a smile. Genji could see McCree fighting to not find the joke funny.

¨Look, I’ve got standards,¨ he said.

¨Really? You don’t seem to be in the position to have those,¨ Genji jeered.

¨You’re in no room to talk, tincan.¨

¨I don’t need a dick to have more sex appeal than you.¨

 

The four onlookers burst into laughter. Mila startled and looked around nervously. McCree looked at Genji with wide eyes and open jaw. He looked so offended that Genji couldn’t hide his chuckles. The joke that took it way too far finally happened.

 

McCree gave him an exaggerated glare.

¨If you have a shit-eating smile under that mask, I swear to God,¨ he threatened.

¨Of course I don’t have one,¨ Genji lied.

 

The banter settled down for rest of the evening. McCree seemed to quickly forgive Genji, and Genji forgave him. It didn’t feel that bad then. The situation felt manageable, and a bit promising even. When it was time for light’s out, Genji’s spirit dropped. Trying to sleep was close to mental torture.

 

Sleeping with the mask one was uncomfortable. When everyone had gone to sleep, or where at least not moving around, he took it off. He hid himself under the blanket. One couldn’t be too careful.

 

He did appreciate the quiet. Only a few breaths and quiet snores made themselves known. That wasn’t enough however to keep him calm. The intimacy of being with others when they slept was uncomfortable. The spacious darkness felt so delicate and he was afraid of the splinters he'd get if he shattered it.

 

Genji had stopped taking sleep medicine. He couldn't afford the extra bit of drowsiness that came as a side-effect. He was lying wide awake; thoughts clearer than day.

 

_I’ve wasted Ziegler’s time I’ve wasted Ziegler’s time I’ve wasted Ziegler’s time_

_I’ve hurt her and disrespected her_

_I deserve to die but if I do her hard work would’ve been for nothing_

 

He pressed his palm against his eye and gritted his teeth. It was nothing short of a test of patience; how long until he lashed out. He felt something creeping along his limbs, not the mechanic ones, his actual flesh arms and legs. He felt his toe twitching and he did everything he could to not twist and turn constantly. He finally sat up. His hands pressed against his head, as if trying to get ahold of the thoughts. When that wasn't enough he, in the most angry manner possible, stood up and tiptoed out. He put on his mask and could easily see with its night vision. He dodged some of the security cameras but didn't make too much of an effort. Reyes seemed to be all-knowing without their help anyway.

 

It was peaceful in the showers. Not even the dripping of water could be heard. When Genji turned on the lights his eyes winced. The tiles were a brilliant, clean white and if he could he would turn down the exposure. Genji walked over to the screened-off shower. His light footsteps gave a gentle echo. He took off his mask and clothes, turned on the shower and huddled on the chilling floor. The bleak reality cleared Genji's thoughts.

 

He felt the water running along his skin and down his chest. He looked at his prosthetics and was confused. He couldn't feel the droplets on them. The light tapping on his head was soothing. Slowly his eyes were going out of focus and his mind became hazy. He never felt he could relax his mechanical limbs, but showering made it better. He sucked in some water and swallowed it, the lukewarm temperature being pleasant to his throat. He was in a bubble, cut off from the world. If only he could he would remain there. He would let the water wash his feelings, his very consciousness, away.

 

Genji's heart stopped when he heard the harsh sound of the door opening. Footsteps were grating against his ears as they came closer. Genji quickly grabbed his mask and covered his face.

 

“You done?” It was McCree. His voice was annoying but Genji was happy it was him. He didn't reply. The noisy shower acted as a feeble shield from the awkward atmosphere McCree had initiate.

“Come on now, I'll get yelled at too.”

Anxiety spiked in Genji's chest. McCree started to close in.

 

“Stay away,” Genji exclaimed.

“I've already seen yer face.”

 

_But not this grotesque body._

 

“Leave. I'll be right behind you.”

“I'll keep my back to ya. Hurry up.”

Genji carefully peeked out. McCree stood facing the wall. Genji reluctantly wiped himself dry and put on his clothes.

“I'm done.”

McCree turned around, looking sleepy.

“Do you plan on making this a habit?”

“No,” Genji lied.

 

McCree didn't say anything. The situation was weirdly intimate. There was something in Genji that wanted to confide itself in McCree. He even dared to say he felt safe around the idiot. He had no ulterior motive for Genji. He was simply put as Genji's babysitter by order and yet he was surprisingly soft. It wouldn't last, obviously, but it made things hurt less. Maybe it was worth behaving just to have McCree’s kindness for as long as possible.

 

“Must be a pain in the ass to always have a mask on.” McCree moved to the door. Genji followed with no interest to respond.

 

The corridors on the way back didn't seem as empty as before. They walked in silence, but it wasn't awkward. Genji's thoughts alternated between two realities. _McCree and I can become friends/I will be an annoying shitpile that McCree will rightfully abandon._

 

“You did good today.”

It took a moment for Genji to come out of his thoughts and register what McCree had said. He looked at him confused. The sentence seemed to be in another language.

  
They didn't say anything more. They returned to the room and to their respective beds. It would take another two hours for Genji to sleep. At least the first half hour wasn't filled to the brim with anxious and depressive thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *25% of people worldwide have experienced depression and/or anxiety sometime in their lifetime, not all 25% at once. At a time it's usually 1%. This does not include psychosis. Source: American Psychiatric Association
> 
> These OC's won't get too much screen time. Btw Tuisko is pronounced Touh-ee-skoo (friggin how does phonetic spelling work??). Or just Tåisko if you're Swedish.
> 
> I am so happy to finally begin the Blackwatch arc!! I've got a lot of fun (angsty) and happy (gay) things planned!
> 
> Medical notes:  
> I was really unsure how to write Hedberg's ¨sermon¨. But all the things she says are really important and I couldn't find a way to shorten it.  
> While these things are important to remind mentally ill people off, it's more a way of buying time than healing. It's temporary relief and comfort. It also plants positive ideas in the patient's mind, something they can ponder on and rival the negative thoughts. Repeating these things is very important. You don't have to say everything every day, but just reminding the patient that they've made improvements or of positive things that've happened.
> 
> Of course it's a bit of a gamble. Depending where the patient's mind is, they might not be responsive, sometimes even right out deny everything.  
> Say it to them anyway. Mentally ill people have a hard time forming positive thoughts and feelings on their own, they need help with it.


	8. If you think your life is going well; think again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genji goes on his first mission. He and McCree has a little party afterward.

The fact that McCree turned into a goody-two-shoes right as soon as Captain Amari entered the room, would never cease to be funny. From the rough, rebellious way he acted with Reyes, Genji never believed McCree had that kind of respect in him. He understood him nonetheless. Captain Ana Amari was beautiful, brutally honest and orderly. She understood her position under Reyes but was his undeniable equal. One could immediately see the years they shared together. She and Chepkemei also exchanged words of familiarity.

 

Genji froze up as he noticed the Captain’s gaze fixed on him.

 

¨So you are Angela’s latest achievement,¨ she said with intrigue and examined him, ¨not bad at all. Never seen as fine prosthetics as those.¨

 

Genji was beyond uncomfortable and badly wished to shoo her away. Causing a scene however was not desirable.

 

¨Can’t wait to see you in action, Agent Shimada,¨ she smiled.

 

¨Please call me Genji,¨ said Genji. He put extra weight on the words to emphasize that it was not a request but a demand.

 

They were transported in a small jet, covered by nightfall. Tuisko was the pilot. The way to the factory was hellish. Genji was already exhausted by nerves wreaking havoc within him. The other’s cheerful chatter overwhelmed him. It was as if they weren’t about to bust a drug cartel's main storage. Genji had assassinated people, but this was much bigger. He had never cooperated with others, nor had he taken out a large group of people. The anxiety swirled his senses. His vision was clear but his eyes felt hazy.

 

¨Nervous,¨ McCree asked. He had made sure that they sat next each other.

 

¨No.¨ Genji had shown enough vulnerability in the last year.

 

¨It’s going to be fine,¨ McCree said, ¨You’re a cyborg! You’ve got nothing to fear.¨

 

¨I did not know that. Thank you for enlightening me,¨ Genji snarked. McCree snorted in return.

 

¨Genji,¨ Reyes called, sitting across him, ¨take a deep breath and focus only on the training. You’ve done this before. You won’t disappoint.¨

 

He didn’t say it with much empathy, more like it was a fact. Reyes had such authority in his character, what he said must be true.

 

Genji and McCree would head out first to plant a bomb in the back of the facility. After it had exploded Reyes, Chepkemei, Monson and Jacques would bust in from the front with Captain Amari as cover. Genji and McCree would proceed to stealth into the main office and copy information from the computer onto a USB. They would also capture the leader. Reyes’ team would disable (which most definitely don't mean kill) any and all threats. Tuisko would wait in the jet, guard it and be ready to take off. He would also keep an eye on the radar to see if any unexpected reinforces would come.

 

They landed a good bit outside the industrial area. Not much surrounded it. Genji was more than happy to leave the cramped jet and took a deep breath. The buildings looked big and ominous in the night, like giants. As Genji and McCree headed in, they saw that it was mostly abandoned, like the report had said. The metallic parts of the buildings had rusted. The roads were unkept, full of grass and cracks. The giant cisterns were reddish brown and one could see leakage. It was quiet save for the soft wind. In the few minutes it took to reach the location, Genji’s senses cleared bit by bit. When he saw how everything fit with the information they had, he calmed down. His and McCree’s steps were ever so quiet as they hurried toward the back of the main storage unit. When they reached it McCree brought out the explosives. Genji swiftly climbed further up to place detonators on various levels.

 

_This is actually exciting?_

 

He was still anxious of course, but the thrill was akin to when he snuck into a secured party with _him_ at the age of 14.

 

¨Bomb’s ready to go,¨ McCree messaged in his comm.

 

¨We’re in position, start countdown,¨Reyes ordered.

 

McCree looked up at Genji to make sure he was ready. Genji jumped down to him. McCree started the timer and both burst into a sprint.

 

¨30 seconds,¨ said McCree.

 

¨Roger,¨ Reyes confirmed.

 

Genji and McCree went to the side of the building. Genji easily climbed a few meters up to a window. He carefully peeked up and saw three people inside. Two men and a woman. It was a corridor and they seemed to be chatting. He looked down at McCree. McCree gestured in confusion.

 

¨What,¨ Genji asked. McCree shook his head.

 

¨5, 4, 3, 2-¨ McCree counted down.

 

It was deafening. An immense shock wave went through Genji, forcing itself into his very bones. He struggled to keep a grip on the windowsill. Sounds of debris thundering down hurt his ears. A monstrous cloud of black smoke, barely distinguishable from the sky, rose. Genji looked in the window again and the three people rushed in the opposite direction of the explosion. He heard screams of various kinds; anger, fear, commanding. Genji jumped through the window.  He opened the broken window from the inside and climbed out again. With his mechanical arm holding on, and a leg against the wall for leverage, McCree jumped up and grabbed his other. Having practiced this maneuver, Genji knew how to easily get himself inside and then pull McCree in. Muffled gunshots from pulse rifles, submachine guns, and the occasional sniper rifle filled the air.

 

¨You were supposed to jump up after the explosion,¨ said McCree.

¨Oh.¨

¨Did anyone see you?¨

¨No.¨

¨Don’t jump ahead.¨

¨Yes.¨

 

Genji tightened his lips and tried to fight back the cramp in his chest.

 

¨You had a pretty good grip though,¨ McCree complimented.

 

The cramp disappeared. They didn’t waste any more time and followed the map they’d gain from hacking. When they had taken a turn, a woman was cowering in fear. McCree effortlessly stealthed behind her, grabbed her head and twisted it. Quickly she fell limp. McCree dragged her into a side room.

 

_God, I wish that were me._

 

There was only a handful of people they had to take out on their way to the office. When Genji dealt with his first one, McCree gave an approving whistle.

 

It was like meditation. He was empty and focused, yet happy to be working with McCree. His movements were practiced and calculated. To finally do something he was good at, to be worth something. The feeling of comfort that gave was indescribable. It was the very opposite from dissociating. He was cemented in reality, truly so, for the first time in over a year.

 

When they reached the office, they carefully listened for sounds within. When met with complete silence, Genji readied his wakazashi* and McCree his gun. Genji kicked down the door. No one was there.

 

A standard office with a desk, computer, chairs, meeting table and a shelf with computer chips and usb’s.

 

¨You take the shelf,¨ McCree instructed and went for the computer.

¨Yes,¨ Genji nodded.

 

As he walked to the shelf, readying a case they had with them, he looked carefully around. He had gotten used to his night vision since long ago, and he quite liked it. Something caught his eye on the left wall. The wall itself was bare and nothing stood close to it. It was a black dot. He walked closer.

 

¨What are you doing,¨ McCree asked.

 

As Genji got closer he saw a row of 6 black dots, chest height. It clicked. He felt the impact before he registered the sound. A bullet hit the left side of his chest and he recoiled. There was no pain only an amount of force. Genji jumped in front of McCree as another gunshot resounded from the wall. McCree grunted. Genji wasn’t worried. As more bullets hailed on them he brought his wakazashi up. With incredible speed he hit every bullet with it, deflecting them. He felt his right shoulder straining. Genji shot shurikens* at each of the holes, blocking them.

 

¨Search the desk for a button,¨ he ordered McCree.

 

McCree went for it immediately. He wasn’t even phased by the bullet in his left arm. He grabbed the hard drive that was strapped underneath the desk, and placed a small explosive on the furniture.

 

Bullets shot out the shurikens. McCree grabbed Genji and jumped over the desk, taking both of them under the table. A small explosion brought the desk down. They heard air pressure releasing on the right side of the wall. It moved slightly to the side. As Genji was about to get up, it quickly slid open and revealed five omnics and a woman. They had switched from pistols to submachine guns. They hailed on them, shredding the table to pieces. Genji stood up and deflected every bullet he could. He felt himself being forced back by the impacts on his armor. The plates on the left side felt lighter and his right shoulder was giving in. He felt McCree right behind him. With minimal gaps, 6 gunshots roared past Genji’s ears. The omnics’ heads flung back and they collapsed. The woman fell to her knees, her thigh bleeding out rapidly. The woman, McCree and Genji panted. They stared at each other, waiting for a move. After a moment of collecting themselves, McCree spoke.

 

¨Linda Sørensen, I presume,¨ he said, walking forward and reloading.

 

Sørensen glared at him and remained silent. Her hand crept towards her gun. McCree shot it away. Sørensen took a deep breath but resigned.

 

McCree brought out a biotic capsule, pulled the bullet out of his arm and sealed the wound. He did the same to her, not caring about her whines. She tried to shove him away but he grabbed her to stand up and handcuffed her. It was all very practiced and done with no extra movements. This was routine.

 

¨Thank you for being quiet, ma’am.¨

 

She tried to keep a neutral face. She kept her head down and her whole body hunched over.

 

¨We’re done here, Boss,¨ McCree said,¨we’ve got Sørensen.¨

¨We’re cleaning up,¨ Reyes replied, ¨Any injuries?¨

¨None that aren’t healed,¨ McCree answered.

¨Genji, is that true,¨ Captain Amari jumped in.

¨Yes, but only because I saved his ass,¨ Genji joked. McCree shoved him with his shoulder.

¨As usual then. Thank you.¨ You could hear her smile.

 

They joined up with the other team. There was a slew of omnic and human corpses. Genji couldn't help but spend a moment to look at them. It felt easy. They would only have to bother with a minimal amount of people. The rest could be killed. It was nostalgic.

 

¨Whoa sick, what happened to you,¨ Monson asked, pointing to Genji's armor.

¨He was my shield,¨ McCree said enthusiastically and placed his hand on Genji’s shoulder.

¨Thank you, we don’t have to waste biotics now,¨ Reyes quipped, ¨good work, kid.¨ He smiled at Genji.

 

On the way back to the jet, McCree explained what had happened. Everyone was impressed and praised Genji. It was foreign, and he felt something else that was weird: satisfaction. He felt his muscles drained and gave short but grateful answers. It was wonderful having exhaustion weighing down on you and still have a smile. Genji didn’t hear much of how it was for the other team. It took two minutes after he sat down to fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

They arrived to base at 5 am. Genji wasn’t allowed to go to bed until after he had been examined by Dr Ziegler. She had returned to the base only to check on him after the mission.

 

¨What did you do,¨ Ziegler asked.

 

Genji looked to his shoulder, he hadn’t noticed it with his armor on. It was bleeding.

 

¨Oh. I deflected bullets.¨

 

Ziegler looked at him for a moment. She then chuckled.

 

¨You are truly amazing,¨ she said lightly, ¨but refrain from using it for a few days.¨

 

He felt himself drinking up that validation.

 

They had the rest of the day off to rest up. As soon as he entered the room he heard Mila’s incessant meowing. Her sounds bounced with every step she took as she hurried towards Genji. She walked around him, stroked her body against his legs. Sitting down, she brought her paws up to him. He picked her up and cuddled her close to her chest. He fell on the bed with her and fell asleep, happy.

 

* * *

 

¨Hey.¨

 

Genji’s eyes sprung open and his hand quickly grabbed the mask that was beside him. He covered his face and looked to the source of the sound. McCree stood by the bed awkwardly, one step back and hands gesturing him to calm down.

 

¨Take it easy, jus’ me,¨ McCree whispered, ¨come on, gonna show my secret stash.¨ He nodded at the door and started to walk.

 

_Right, the secret he told me from losing the bet._

When Genji stood up from the bed, Mila got herself up to follow him. He signaled that it was ok for her to sleep. She disappeared immediately under the cover. Jacques and Monson were sleeping. Tuisko and Chepkemei weren’t in the room. The time was 14:04

 

It was almost embarrassing how blindly and enthusiastically Genji followed McCree. They effortlessly avoided other people and stealthed around security cameras, along corridors and through doors that McCree probably shouldn’t have had the key to. They reached a remote storage room containing dry foods. It was rather dull.

 

Genji didn’t mind. It had been some time since he had followed a handsome man to a remote place. McCree walked to a shelf and moved it to the side. Behind it was a cooler. He grabbed it and both sat down on crates opposite of one another. They were sitting rather close.

 

¨Now, we don’t often get to drink so I’ve kept a stash for moments like these,¨ McCree said, pleased with himself, and opened the cooler.

 

Cans of beer filled it to the top. McCree tossed one to Genji and opened one for himself.

 

¨I’m not supposed to drink this. My body can’t take it,¨ Genji said awkwardly.

¨Aw, come on,¨ McCree pushed, ¨you can take some. Angela always exaggerates. Besides,¨ he took a swig, ¨weren’t you a party animal?¨

 

Genji agreed. Him being the reluctant one was a testament to how much he had changed. But-

 

¨It’s not just that,¨ Genji feebly motioned to his mask.

 

McCree groaned heavily.

 

¨Are you really gonna let something like that ruin your fun?¨ He was exasperated. ¨Fine. I’ll drink so much I’ll forget. Deal? I mean, we gotta celebrate your first mission.¨

 

Genji smiled.

 

¨I don’t even know why I hesitated in the first place.¨ He took off the mask and did his best to ignore the burning sensation of shame.

 

McCree drank but Genji noticed his quick glance at his face. Genji opened his can and proceeded to neck it. The sooner he got drunk the quicker the anxiety would go away. As a large amount of beer touched his tongue, he immediately gagged. He forced it down and coughed.

 

¨Too strong for you,¨ McCree mocked.

¨What is this shit¨ Genji exclaimed, ¨worst drink I've ever tasted.¨

¨Hey, look now,¨ McCree sounded offended, ¨we didn’t all grow up as spoiled brats, only having to drink sake made by the friggin gods. This is what you get and you’ll like it.¨

 

Genji chuckled.

 

¨One day I’ll treat you to that sake of the gods. If this is what you’re used to, I feel sorry for you. Didn’t Dead-whatever treat you to good stuff?¨

 

¨I may have been their best shot, but all I was worth to them was piss water.¨

 

Genji laughed with pity.

 

¨Shut up, you prick,¨ McCree joked. He downed the last of his beer and threw the can at Genji. ¨Mister I’ve-never-had-to-lift-a-finger-in-my-life.¨

 

¨That’s not true,¨ now it was Genji who was offended, ¨you’ve clearly not been through the Japanese school system,¨ he said half-jokingly.

¨Oh, is it that bad?¨

¨I needed top grades in the top school, including the night school to be doing the ‘minimum’.¨

¨I am so sorry. I, having gone barely 3 years in school, will never understand that struggle.¨

¨Really?¨

¨Really.¨

¨Wow, your life sucks.¨

¨Nah, it ain’t so bad now.¨

 

They took a moment to drink.

 

¨But I gotta say, I’m impressed,¨ McCree smirked, ¨you really did save me. How did you know that it was a fake wall?”

 

¨The tiny holes for the guns gave it away,¨ Genji explained, ¨we’ve had that kind of defense in Japan forever. A hidden guardroom was in every important person’s household.¨

 

¨Sick. I’ll admit, I was a little turned on,¨ McCree’s voice lowered.

 

¨Oh, but your aiming is something I’d love to see more of,¨ Genji leaned forward.

 

McCree giggled loudly.

 

¨Just give me a target, bro.¨

 

¨Are you drunk already? Your cheeks are red.¨

 

¨Don’t insult me,¨ McCree shoved Genji lightly, ¨I am not a lightweight.¨

 

Genji chuckled.

 

¨By the way, we can’t be seen by anyone or a camera until we’re sober.¨

 

¨Will Commander Reyes kill us?¨

 

¨Nah, but it will suck.¨

 

He took a swig. Genji adored his Adam’s apple bobbing.

 

¨Some people here are so annoying though, they think Boss is the meanest commander-¨

 

¨They don’t know anything.¨

 

¨Yeah! They don’t know shit! I always feel like punching them cause there was this one kid in Deadlock who made a mistake, screwed up a mission or something. They broke his leg as punishment.¨

 

Genji looked confused at McCree.

¨Why didn’t they just make him cut off his finger? Then he would still be usable.¨

¨Broken bones will heal. Wait, what? You make him cut off the finger himself?¨

¨Of course. So they’ll realise the weight of their crimes. It’s also a reminder to they not do it again.¨

 

¨Damn, you guys are twisted.¨

¨I’m not saying we treated everyone wonderfully but we didn’t subject anyone to piss water.¨

¨Yeah, right.¨

 

They continued to compare organisations. How they did things, how the culture was, what kind of jobs there were. They told funny stories. McCree had once lost his gun when the cops were after him. He had to hide in a barn full of cows for a whole night. Genji had seduced the prime minister’s daughter. They talked louder with each sip. McCree was full of giggles. Genji gesticulated with bigger movements. He had grabbed a blanket. For some reason he felt cold. They leaned into each other when they laughed. For a moment Genji held his hand against McCree’s thigh to avoid falling. McCree patted Genji’s cheek in disbelief as Genji talked about having met Johanna Bergman, a world-famous director. They had long forgotten what the time was and they stubbornly ignored their sleepiness. Soon they started talk about the mission.

 

¨Look, I know you’re a cyborg but don’t get hailed with bullets like that.¨ said McCree.

¨I’m not weak like you,¨ Genji grabbed McCree’s hand.

¨You can’t even imagine what I’ve endured,¨ McCree smirked. Fingers intertwined, they pushed against each other, trying to get the other’s arm back.

¨How about arm wrestling,¨ McCree suggested.

¨Yes please.¨

 

They sat on their knees, placing their elbows on a cloth they had covered a crate with. They didn’t noticed how they were subtly swaying from side to side, their sluggish movements or slurred speech. Not even that Genji’s face was getting a blue tint.

 

¨Okay, ready,¨ McCree initiated, ¨one-¨

Genji burst out giggling and lost his grip. McCree joined in.

¨Shut the hell up! We gotta focus!¨

¨Sorry, sorry!¨ Genji collected himself.

 

¨One, two… three!¨

 

There certainly was resistance and Genji’s grip wasn’t the best. However, in the face of high-tech prosthetics designed to be weapons, man had no chance. Genji brought down McCree’s hand quickly.

 

A crack resounded. McCree inhaled sharply and grimaced in pain. He slowly brought his arm to his chest. Genji looked at him, horrified. The arm was slightly bent in a way it shouldn’t have been.

 

¨I broke your arm,¨ he said in disbelief.

¨Yep,¨ McCree yelped.

 

Genji guffawed. He fell to the ground, one hand to his face and the other around his abdomen.

 

¨Shut the hell up,¨ McCree couldn’t stop his own laughter.

¨You're such an idiot,¨ Genji managed to say. McCree tried to look angry but he couldn’t quite manage to.

 

They were a drunk, laughing mess. One lying on the floor in fetal position, the other leaning against a crate with a broken arm.

 

Genji’s laughing turned into gagging sounds. His whole body wretched.

 

¨You alright,¨ McCree asked, not sounding as concerned as he should’ve been.

 

Genji quickly turned around. In a most painful manner, his body forced out the substance of his stomach. He fell to the side. His vision turned hazy and his breath slowed down significantly.

 

¨Shit...¨ McCree said under his breath.

¨I…,¨ the time between his inhales and exhales was too long, ¨Zie...gler...¨

 

McCree scrambled to get on his feet. He stumbled and fell down immediately. He jumped sloppily back up. Not thinking clearly, he grabbed Genji with his broken arm. He dropped him and his voice boomed with curses. He tried again with his other hand. He threw Genji’s arm around his shoulders and Genji leaned on him. As McCree started to walk, Genji stopped him.

 

“Mm...Mask...¨

 

McCree stood still for a second, his brain desperately trying to understand what Genji meant. It eventually clicked. In the least graceful manner, McCree flung around, Genji’s weak body almost flying from the force, and grabbed the mask. Genji couldn’t get it to stick so he had to settle for holding it against his face.

 

McCree dashed out of the room and ran down the corridor. Genji’s legs struggled to keep up and sometimes he merely dragged along. The sudden movements filled Genji’s throat with bile again. He jumped from McCree and threw up again. As he rose to stand up, he passed out and fell to the ground, barely avoiding the vomit.

 

¨Genji!¨

 

McCree used his only functioning arm to throw Genji’s body on his shoulder. With some difficulty he grabbed the mask as well. He hurried down the stairs, to the cafeteria and across the giant courtyard. McCree rushed past agents with the loudest steps. People were yelling after him, asking what had happened or if they could help. He didn’t bother to answer and thankfully no one bothered to follow.

 

As he kicked open the door to the infirmary a nurse screamed and dropped the holograph he was holding. It was a ridiculous sight. A large man, struggling to stand up straight, with a limp cyborg hanging over his shoulder. Not to mention the broken arm and beer stench. The nurse jumped into action.

 

¨What’s wrong with him,¨ he examined Genji.

¨He drank alcohol,¨ McCree slurred loudly.

 

The nurse grabbed his comm.

 

¨Two nurses with a stretcher down to the courtyard entrance now. Prepare for surgery. Genji Shimada has consumed alcohol and needs to have his stomach pumped.¨

 

It didn’t take long until Genji was put on a stretcher and rushed away. Angela didn’t show herself, she was probably already in the operation room. McCree sat down outside. He spotted the same nurse from before.

 

¨Hey! Can you bring some biotics?¨ McCree showed his arm. The nurse looked at him and sighed.

 

¨You can’t depend on Doctor Ziegler cleaning up your messes,¨ he said and walked away. McCree stared at him in offense.

 

¨Dick,¨ he yelled after him.

 

He was determined to stay awake and wait until the surgery was done. That didn't happen.

 

* * *

 

 

“Jesse.”

 

McCree groaned and waved his hand dismissively.

 

“Jesse!”

 

A hard slap met his forehead and he jolted. He flailed his arms, resulting in not so little pain.

 

Collecting himself he looked ahead and saw wrath herself. Angela towered over him, a firm stance and glaring eyes.

 

“How the hell did Genji get ahold of alcohol,” she said in a low, vicious voice.

 

“Uuuuhhhh…”

 

Being hungover, drowsy and scared hindered McCree’s brain from functioning.

 

“Did you make him drink?”

 

“He did it himself.” His voice was a pitch higher than usual.

 

“Did you encourage him to drink,” Angela’s voice rose in volume.

 

“We celebrated his first mission.”

 

Angela started to hit McCree. He feebly shielded himself with his healthy arm.

 

“By killing him?!” She yelled.

 

“It's his own responsibility!”

 

“You enabled him, you bastard!”

 

Angela grabbed McCree’s broken arm and pulled it up. He promptly yelped.

 

“And what is this shit?!”

 

“Ow-ow-ow- we were arm wrestling-oooww!”

 

“You arm wrestled a cyborg?!”

 

“I was drunk!”

 

Angela stepped back and took a deep breath. She tensed her fists and tightened her lips.

 

“Your idiocy knows no bounds.”

 

She turned on her heel and walked away with heavy steps.

 

“What about my arm?”

 

“You can go bother Dr Mandela about it!”

 

McCree shrunk in posture with a guilty, childish expression.

 

* * *

 

 

Genji felt a familiar grogginess that he tried to fall asleep again to. But there was a blaring headache, that crept in the cranium. It was nostalgic. He hadn’t felt like that since he had partied. That was over a year ago.

 

_Am… I hungover?_

 

He tried to recollect what had happened. All he could remember was the mission.

 

_I can’t have been drinking, right? Where would I even have gotten ahold of alcohol?_

 

He swallowed and a foul taste filled his mouth, with it, hazy memories. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough.

 

_Oh. Yeah, that sounds like something I would do._

 

He opened his eyes and saw the familiar layout of a hospital room. He didn’t even have to look, he knew where the nurse alarm button was.

 

It didn’t take long until the door opened uncharastically slow and silent. In walked Dr Ziegler, stern and with an intense gaze. Genji felt something he had almost forgotten: fear.

 

As she stood by the bedside with arms folded, Genji could physically feel the cold from her.

 

“Care to tell me what happened?” She asked, voice low and dripping with venom.

 

“I-uhh...we...ehm-” A proper sketch of Genji's brain would be a simple flat line.

 

“Take it slow and easy,” Ziegler’s voice was soft, “and tell me,” it turned sharp like a knife.

 

The fear jumpstarted Genji's memories.

 

“McCree and I celebrated the success of our mission. I didn't drink much, only…” As he counted he dreaded to say the number of cans.

 

“What did I say about alcohol?” Ziegler’s eyes were piercing through him. She looked like she practiced amazing restraint to not bite him.

 

“That my body is too weak to handle it-”

 

“So what made you think you could drink?”

 

_There is no excuse for stupidity._

 

“... Because I am an idiot.”

 

Silence. She looked expectantly at him. He couldn't think of anything else to say. She snapped.

 

“Is that all? Not even an apology?” She was aghast and almost impressed by his rudeness. “Do you have _any_ idea how I slaved to not only have you alive but for you to function as well as you do now?” She spit the words, angry that she had to express the obvious.

 

As Genji tried to look away she grabbed his head and forced eye contact.

 

“And is this how you intend to show gratitude? To risk destroying all I've worked for? I've never been so disrespected my whole life!” She was yelling. Her voice filled Genji's ears in a most jarring way.

 

_I didn't ask to be saved._

 

The sentence and anger laid right on the tip of his tongue. However, the fear of Dr Ziegler withheld it. The way she had manipulated his body; she could do whatever she wanted with him. She terrified him. This body was no longer his and would never be. Yet part of him was happy that he was alive and he felt unbearable shame for how he had treated her. Out of all the insults and disrespect he had thrown around in his last life, none of them could compare to the crime he had committed now. He had misused someone else’s creation.

 

Genji forced himself up, equal amounts of irritation and shame, and faced Ziegler. He bowed, a near-perfect 90 degrees with a straight back, hands on thighs and inhaled. Even in his former life he rarely did this. In a way it was to mock her. To do something over-dramatic to shut her up. At the same time it was genuine. That was more than he could say about most of his bows.

 

He heard her sigh, a minuscule of ease and a heap of frustration.

 

“Don't do this ever again. Next time I might not feel so inclined to have your stomach pumped.”

 

She threw a packet of painkillers on his bed and walked past him. Without another word she slammed the door shut. Genji remained in bow for a second longer, trying to figure out his emotions. That was merely a hassle. He grabbed the packet and left when he was sure she was long gone.

 

* * *

 

 

Co Reyes couldn't keep a straight face if his life depended on it. As McCree and Genji entered his office, it took about 2,03 seconds before Reyes burst out laughing. He sat down and laid his head in his palm, mumbling something about how stupid they are. Genji and McCree forced themselves to uphold military etiquette and stand straight. It was no easy feat as embarrassment dragged them down. Each breath of Reyes’ laughter stung. When he finally collected himself, he wore a shit-eating grin.

 

“I'm impressed, McCree,” he started, “to think you managed to hide a beer stash from me. How long have you had it?”

 

McCree remained quiet with a sheepish expression.

 

“Little over a year,” he finally mumbled.

 

“Now that's an accomplishment,” Reyes was genuine, “What's even more surprising is that Ziegler didn't kill you. I understand Genji, you're her masterpiece, but McCree; you survived on a hair’s breadth”

 

The two prayed deeply for the void to consume them. Genji even more so. Being reminded for the uptenth time that he belonged to someone else did nothing but cut him.

 

“You should've seen the security tapes and the agents’ faces,” Reyes chuckled, “a damn cowboy running like an idiot carrying a limp cyborg. Don't worry, I've archived it.”

 

McCree grimaced uncomfortably and Genji shut his eyes under his mask.

 

“You made me laugh so I'm going to be nice. Kitchen duty for two months.”

 

McCree looked regretful but not surprised. Genji lost his breath and felt like falling to his knees in despair.

 

“Now get the hell out of my office.” He waved them out.

 

* * *

 

 

The only saving grace of returning to their quarters was Mila. She kept Genji sane as the others asked questions.

 

¨We heard you were running with Genji to the infirmary, are you guys okay?¨ Jacques asked.

¨Holy crap, where did you get beer from and why didn’t share with me,¨ Monson was bitter.

¨Are you a couple?¨ Tuisko was focusing on something else.

¨I knew this was going to happen sooner and later,¨ Chepkemei went to bed with a irritated sigh.

 

¨Look, fun sometimes comes with a price,¨ McCree sheepishly fended off their remarks.

 

They let it go rather quickly with only a few jokes and little preaching. They seemed to be used to McCree’s shenanigans. He and Genji showered separately, as usual. They were not allowed to stay in the room with while they reeked of alcohol. McCree tried to ask Genji how he felt but Genji ignored him and collapsed on the bed.

 

* * *

 

Everything pissed Genji off. The fact that he and McCree had to serve soup for an hour pissed him off. Tuisko, Monson, Jacques and Chepkemei’s constant taunts pissed him off. McCree’s quips to make light of the situation pissed him off. McCree having gotten them into that mess to begin with pissed him off greatly. It was like throwing gasoline into a fire except that he couldn't burst out like he so desperately wanted to. He stayed eerily quiet and whenever McCree pushed for a response he snapped something to shut him down.

 

They were expected to keep the schedule despite the extra work. As they hurried to finish up the morning workout, Genji got a nagging feeling that he had forgotten something. Never mind. He didn't have time to think about it anyway.

 

In the afternoon they got briefed about their next mission. They were going to run simulations for a week before executing it. The high tempo was already taking its toll on Genji. During the last month, he had felt like aging lines appeared on his already ugly face. Not that he was going to express it.

 

Genji had never in his life worked in a kitchen in any way until that day. He was determined to not show any kind of uncertainty as how to do dishes. As he struggled like an idiot on a pan that had stale grease on it, he did his best not to gag out of disgust.

 

“Let it lie in hot water for a while,” said McCree.

 

Genji didn't respond. He stood still trying to fight back the shame. After a moment he decided that there was no point in ignoring his advice and did what he was told. He moved onto other plates. He heard McCree chuckle. Genji put down what he was washing with a thud and glared at him.

 

“What?!”

 

“You're supposed to use hot water all the time, idiot.”

 

Genji looked to the faucet. You could see that only the cold switch was on. With aggressive movements Genji turned it off and cranked up the hot water. He started to scrub fervently.

 

“Careful. Don't wanna burn yourself,” McCree said annoyed.

 

“Already been burned for a lifetime,” Genji snapped back.

 

McCree snorted.

 

“Okay.¨ The word was said with such a condescending tone, it made Genji crazy. ¨Mister I’ve-never-had-to-lift-a-finger-in-my-life.¨ That made him lose it.

 

¨If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t have to do this shit!¨

 

¨You chose to drink! And this is basic stuff, how spoiled can you be to not know how to do the damn dishes?¨

 

¨I was born higher than you! I wasn’t meant to do the dishes!¨

 

McCree breathed a laugh out of anger.

 

¨Well, that’s obviously not the case. Your brother killed you and now you’re in the same shithole as the rest of us.¨

 

The words forcefed Genji with painful memories.

 

Clothes made with impeccable craftsmanship. His brother cursing him for not engaging in the family business. Food so good he didn’t even know what tasteless was. His mother hitting him for ignoring an assignment. A bed so comfortable he always fell asleep immediately. His brother freezing his financial assets. Going on vacations on a whim’s notice. His mother’s emotionless expression as he was cut down. His brother’s willingness to kill him, despite all that they had shared.

 

It all culminated into a anger so fierce, his muscles begged to attack McCree.

 

¨ _Urusai kusottare**-_ ¨

 

_Wait._

 

And so his muscles froze.

 

_Am I crying?_

 

His eyes were wet and his face still in shock. It had been two months since his last breakdown.

 

_I can’t have one again. Not here, not in front of McCree._

 

His fury turned into fear for humiliation. He knew that his voice would crack and break if he continued.

 

McCree was right in front of him but Genji could not focus on his face. All his brain registered was the tears spilling down his cheeks.

 

_Thank goodness I have a mask._

 

Genji turned around and continued to do the dishes.

 

¨Don’t belittle me, you imbecile.¨ If he was sure in his statement, he would’ve said it in english.

 

McCree stayed quiet for a second before he continued to work.

 

¨I can’t stand people who haven’t worked a day in their lives,¨ he muttered.

 

A shaken breath from Genji threatened to be heard. McCree could never understand how deep his words cut, nor could Genji understand the hurt his words caused.

 

They finished up the dishes in silence. It was a tense atmosphere, dripping with offense and hurt. It could be felt in one’s skin. Hope of mending didn’t even cross their minds.

 

_I’m not supposed to be here. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to live like a king. Now I can’t even get drunk._

  
_It’s all their fault; Hanzo’s and Akira’s. They’ll pay._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A Japanese shortsword  
> ** Shut up, you dipshit
> 
> I am so sorry I didn't mean for it to end so angsty. Remember to drink responsibly! (or preferably not at all) I myself know next to nothing about alcohol culture.
> 
> Medical notes:  
> I just googled some quick symptoms of alcohol poisoning. It isn't my area.
> 
> I'll give you a free drawing if you can figure out why Genji is extra irritable in the last parts before I post the next chapter.


	9. Don't waste your potential by being an asshole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genji matures a bit and goes on a mission alone with McCree. Also kabedon.

The morning after, McCree and the others acted like normal. When someone spoke to Genji, his replies were short and concise. Everyone understood to not bother him. McCree tried to initiate a conversation but Genji shot him a deadly glare. In return McCree scoffed in annoyance.

 

¨Spoiled asshole,¨ he muttered, stabbing a thorn in Genji’s side.

 

When Genji packed his shampoo and soap after showering, he saw his medication.

 

10 mg of ecitalopram; used to battle depression.

0,5 mg of fluanxol; used to battle anxiety.

300 mg of gabapentin in the morning and evening; added when the patient has severe anxiety.

 

_I’m the very definition of artificial. Not even my brain is natural anymore. I’m no different from an omnic. This is all Ziegler’s and Hedberg’s fault. I should’ve just stayed dead._

 

Genji tucked the bottles and packets further down in his bag. 

 

¨Genji, we gotta go,¨ Jacques said in a soft voice. She had been extra careful around him.

 

Genji gently pressed his masked face to Mila's forehead.

 

¨ _Ittekimasu*_ , Mila,¨ he whispered.

 

He followed the team without saying a word.

 

The simulation was torture. He had never heard of anyone being hungover for two days but it felt like he was. As he dashed from one cover to another, it flashed in his mind. Every quick movement was met with half a second of nausea and an electric current throughout his body. For the whole day he had an headache. He wasn't talkative to begin with but now he was dead quiet unless Reyes spoke to him. He ate alone, away from McCree and the noisy refectory. Mila was sitting on his lap, munching ham that Genji fed her. When he had finished eating, he buried his face in her fur. It was smooth and beyond relaxing. He didn't want to leave her. He could spend his whole life being only with Mila. He wanted to kill McCree when he called for him. 

 

The evening was torture. They had an hour before lights out and everyone insisted on being the worst. Jacques' kind words, asking how he was feeling, were grazing against his nerves. McCree's southern drawl made Genji grit his teeth to a point where it hurt. The whole team's cheery attitude with each other, despite everyone being murderers, was worthy of being stabbed in the back. Tuisko and Monson were horrifically loud when they played video games. From cheering each other on, to hitting each other on the shoulders. The only acceptable one was Chepkemei who was reading.

 

¨Yes!¨ Monson shouted and threw her hands up in the hair.

 

¨Aww, come on,¨ Tuisko complained.

 

¨In your face, you arrogant-¨

 

¨Can you two please shut up,¨ Genji raised his voice over Monson.

 

It wasn't a scream but the irritation was dripping. Everyone looked at him, looking dumb. Genji's anger washed away and he felt a stone in his stomach. It was embarrassing. They had never heard him speak so loudly. He barely breathed and their eyes pricked him. 

 

¨Excuse me,¨ said Genji and hurried to the door.

 

Mila followed him. He went to his desolate eating corner and pulled his mask off. He pressed his palms against his eyes, as if pushing back the shame. Mila put her paw on Genji's hand. He looked at her. Her eyes were so beautiful and gentle. She was genuine. She wanted to hear about his troubles.

 

¨Just like that I've destroyed it," he whimpered in Japanese, "I've just shitted on the semblances of friendships I had. I'm so stupid. I'm such a bad person. But they are so annoying! Why do I have to deal with them? I didn't ask to be teamed up with them. I was forced into this. And I hate how they act! They don't take anything seriously and they never focus. I'm a bad person but at least I don't bother other people.¨

 

One complaint after another rolled off his tongue. Like dark clouds finally releasing the rain, he couldn't stop. Mila looked at him intently, as if she could understand every word. She gave him her undivided attention, full of concern and love. He felt his jaws getting tired. His hand tensed up with all the gesticulating. In the end, it died down. Mila turning her head to the side and flicking her ear soothed the heat. He drowned in her round, orange eyes, with pitch black slits for pupils. He rested his head against hers and scratched her sides. 

 

"You're the only one that matters," he whispered, "everyone else can die." He chuckled. "I guess the only reason I want to stay alive is so you won't be sad." He pressed his lips against her forehead. She rubbed her head against his neck. He giggled at the tickling. Genji's heart felt a grain lighter.

 

The next day was worse. The whole team gave Genji weird glances, wary and annoyed by him. McCree didn't even try to hide his irritation with him. At training none of the teammates looked at him unless necessary. It was a chilly distance between them and Genji. It was even worse with McCree; an atmosphere packed with thorns. Genji tried to focus, but anger got in the way. When he was supposed to pull Monson up to a ledge, his grip was too loose. She managed to catch herself, cursed and gave him a glare. He couldn't muster up any kind of caring. It was more extremely uncomfortable. Working with the team was equivalent to eating steel wire. They hated him and he hated them. If they would just stop being so annoying, they wouldn't have this problem. When it finally ended, Genji couldn't wait to get back to Mila. 

 

"Genji," Reyes called out.

 

A feeling of impending doom gripped Genji's chest. 

 

"Come with me to my office."

 

He had to practice immense restraint to not run away. The team gave him a look.

 

_They must be delighted. Finally I'll get chewed out. I'll get kicked of the team and they'll celebrate._

 

It was a tense walk to the office. Reyes' frame was large and imposing. His neck was strong and Genji knew that a look at his muscles would be more intimidating than sexy. Genji didn't know who terrified him more, Reyes or Ziegler. Both using him however they wanted with a smile on their faces. It made him feel like a bunny cowering before a wolf.

 

At the office Reyes slumped down on a chair. He used his foot to turn it from side to side.

 

"Sit down." He gestured to the chair in front of the desk. Genji obliged, sitting with a straight back. "Care to tell me why your relationship to the team sucks?"

 

Genji took a moment to quell the boiling anger.

 

"They are being unprofessional, sir."

 

"Elaborate." Reyes faced Genji. His eyes were piercing.

 

"They play games and mess around during work, sir."

 

"Hm. Haven't notice that myself. Can you name a specific time?"

 

"McCree took a smoke instead of teaching me military terminology. Tuisko and Monson played games when it was lights out."

 

"They say you've been irrationally angry. Not talking to them, and when you do it's aggressive."

 

"That's because they are loud and unprofessional, sir."

 

Reyes leaned back.

 

"Have you felt like this since the beginning?"

 

Genji stopped for a second.

 

"I... I didn't realize this until recently."

 

"How recently?"

 

Genji hated the answer.

 

"Since the alcohol incident."

 

He gave half of it.

 

"You stopped taking your meds then, right?" Reyes gave the other half. "McCree told me."

 

"Of course you're keeping tabs on me," Genji muttered.

 

"What did you expect," Reyes said with a small chuckle. "You're a patient and a criminal. It's common sense to keep an eye on you. Did the same to McCree. So when are you planning to take your medicine again?"

 

"Why do you care, sir," Genji spit. The anger spilled out. "You forced me into this. I'm only here cause you want to use me."

 

"That's exactly why I care. Your anger is causing friction in the team, making everyone's performance worse.¨ Reyes leaned forward. ¨Look, everyone knows you can become Blackwatch’s top agent, and I’d love you to be.¨

 

_Don’t compliment me._

 

¨But if you keep this up, I will throw you into jail.¨

 

Genji’s heart stopped.

 

¨I am not entrusting you to defeat the Shimadas when you’re this unstable.¨

 

¨I am not unstable. I’m just angry.¨ He had to focus on his breathing.

 

¨I’ve seen this before. Not long until you become completely insufferable.¨

 

_What’s with all these people diagnosing me as a psycho?!_

 

Reyes stood up and walked over to Genji. He leaned against the desk. His expression was stern.

 

¨Get your act together. You’ve been excellent until now.¨

 

His eyes soften by a fraction.

 

¨And you deserve to get your revenge on Hanzo.¨

 

The name pulled him in.

 

¨Sir, I am the only one who can take him down.¨

 

¨I know that. So don’t disappoint me.¨

 

It felt like Reyes could see through the mask and Genji’s eyes, right into his core. He was manipulating him, Genji knew that. However, it was sweet as chocolate and Genji couldn’t help but to respect him.

 

¨Now get going.¨ 

 

Reyes headed for his chair again. Genji gave a bow and went to the door.

 

¨And remember, I’ll know if you take them or not.¨

 

¨Yes sir.¨

 

Genji felt weird as he left the room. For the first time he felt motivated to take his medication.

 

Genji noticed the change when Monson cooed at Mila. He wasn’t annoyed. His lip even twitched into a smile. He stopped, eyes going wide. It had been half a day since he started to take the medicine again. Already he felt decent. It wasn’t sunshine. It was cloudy: nice and mellow, almost a fog. His anger at the situation wasn’t gone. He still got annoyed but not to the same degree. Genji looked at McCree. There was a black hole of shame in Genji’s stomach. He quickly turned away, not bearing to look at him. When the others said something to Genji, he had the guts to reply properly. Whenever McCree tried to talk to him, Genji’s answers were stiff and short.

 

Genji was making his way back from the showers when McCree came marching towards him. Genji faced away as they were about to pass each other. McCree hooked his arm with Genji and pulled him with him.

 

¨McCree-¨

 

He didn’t say anything nor give Genji a chance to turn around and walk properly. McCree’s silent and stiff expression scared him. McCree swung Genji at a wall and walked up close. Their chests were inches apart and McCree’s arm rested against the wall. His eyes were furrowed just a bit, and his lips had turned down slightly. His gaze was strong. Genji’s heart was racing and he held his towel close to his chest. He was burning hot.

 

¨I’m tired of your shit,¨ he growled, sending electric waves through Genji. ¨Why are you acting like such a dick? Why are you ignoring me?¨

 

Genji stayed quiet. He couldn’t say he had acted like an ass just because of a mental illness. That didn’t justify anything. A bow wouldn’t help either.

 

¨Say something!¨

 

The shame physically hurt.

 

¨I’m sorry.¨ 

 

Genji couldn’t bring himself to look at McCree.

 

¨… Thank you for telling Commander Reyes that I wasn’t taking my medicine.¨

 

He felt so feeble and stupid. He just wanted to drop dead.

 

¨Are you telling me that was the reason?¨

 

McCree stepped back. He seemed skeptical and almost offended that Genji implied that. Genji didn’t believe it himself. Hedberg had explained it as chemical imbalances that messes up how you act and feel. That you forget yourself and start acting on those impulses of annoyance and anger. It sounded so made-up; of course you had control over your own mind. Yet, Genji had felt for months that he didn’t have that power. His family’s teachings of being grounded within oneself that Genji knew to be true, didn’t seem to apply to him at those times. Then he took his medicine.

 

¨It is no excuse, I know.¨

 

¨That’s bullshit,¨ McCree mumbled.

 

He was confused, as was Genji.

 

¨Boss just asked me if you were taking ’em or not. I don’t actually know anything about that stuff.¨

 

McCree shuffled awkwardly.

 

¨So, uh, you got PTSD or something?¨

 

Genji really didn’t want to talk about it. He’d rather confess all the horrible things he had done. There was a full ten seconds of silence.

 

¨Right, sorry,¨ McCree apologized, ¨just don’t act like that again. It pisses me off.¨

 

¨Yes,¨ Genji said and instinctively bowed.

 

¨But it sounds neat.¨

 

¨Hm?¨

 

¨Pills curing assholeism,¨ McCree smirked.

 

Genji breathed a laugh.

 

¨Only works if you have a severe case of it.¨

 

It was still tense when they parted and they had minimal eye contact. Genji’s stomach was in a knot but his head was light.

 

_This must be a goddamn miracle. I actually want to go and ask Hedberg some questions._

 

It went surprisingly fast to have things go back to normal. After that conversation McCree treated Genji just like he had before. The others followed suit. Genji was ashamed and cautious. He talked less than he had. However, he was responsive and grateful for their kindness. He would most certainly repay it, no matter what. McCree never mentioned Genji’s mental illness but he made sure he took his medication. The mission was a success and Genji found himself a tiny bit more comfortable.

 

However, no amount of fluanxol could rid Genji of anxiety when he and McCree were called into Reyes’ office. He systematically went through things he had done that might have messed things up royally. McCree didn’t seem bothered at all. Genji was surprised when they entered the office. Reyes seemed relaxed in his manners. He didn’t put them under his ever-watching eye. His tone of voice was more lax as well. His choice of words weren’t formal. McCree plopped down on one of the chairs in front of the desk. His legs spread out and he sunk down. Genji was almost scared by the disrespectful demeanor of them both. When Reyes gestured for Genji to sit down, he did so properly.

 

¨What have you got for us, boss,¨ McCree asked leisurely.

 

¨Ilya Volkov,¨ Reyes replied and brought up a hologram.

 

It was a picture of a middle-aged man. Beside it was the logo of his company, ¨Volkov Arms¨.

 

¨He’s been selling weaponry to terrorists in the middle east. Overwatch would’ve ended him ages ago if it weren’t for the fact that Volkov’s lover is on the UN board.¨

 

¨Do you really need two assassins,¨ McCree asked.

 

¨I don’t have the resources to prepare an assassination. Morrison doesn’t know we are doing this. It’s much easier sabotaging his factory.¨ Reyes turned to Genji. ¨You’re going to pretend to be a Null-Sector Omnic.¨

 

¨Understood.¨ Genji bit back the disgust.

 

McCree would pilot a cloaked jet to the site and hack the security cameras. Genji would infiltrate, armed with a Slicer laser. He would cut through cords that lead to the fuel core, causing an explosion. It wouldn’t require Genji to get all the way in, and give him time to escape.

 

 

_This sounds exciting._

The flight was peaceful. It was just Genji and McCree in the pilot seats. They acted like two idiots on a road trip. It was beyond cozy. There were only a few lights on and the space was small. Genji had curled up with his feet on the chair. The noise of rushing wind and the engine compacted the atmosphere even more.

 

¨Since when do you know how to hack,¨ Genji teased.

 

¨You’d be surprised,¨ McCree smirked, ¨not just anyone can do it. First you need to turn on the AI, then connect it to the facility’s Wi-Fi, then push another button to have the AI hack it for you. Took me 10 years of computer science to learn this.¨

 

¨Must’ve been tough to fit that into 3 years of school.¨

 

¨You bet your ass it was.¨

 

The two chuckled.

 

¨Seriously though, when did you learn to fly a jet?¨

 

¨I, uh, nagged Boss until he wasted a tutor and money on teaching me.¨

 

¨I wouldn’t call it a waste. Not many can resist a jet piloting cowboy.¨

 

¨You’ve make a good point.¨

 

McCree winked.

 

Having a smaller jet meant that they could get closer to the factory. It was by the Caspian sea; the water used to cool the core. The two gave a quick high-five before Genji headed out. McCree got to hacking the cameras. The factory was huge, consisting of several buildings. There were stacked missiles on giant carts ready and trucks neatly parked. One was by the loading bay with a few people carrying goods from it. There were sounds from within the factory, testifying of its workings. Otherwise it was silent, not even Genji’s footsteps were audible. The outside security cameras were not going to be a problem. With the open space, he could easily move without them noticing. His artificial body could lower its temperature, meaning that thermo cam was useless. Since he wasn’t an omnic, they couldn’t even detect the signals emitted by one. Genji reached an exhaust vent and removed the grid. He crawled inside.

 

¨I’m entering,¨ he said into his comm.

 

¨Understood,¨ McCree replied, ¨cameras’ off in 1 minute.¨

 

Given Genji’s mask’s breathing mechanisms, the only problem with the smoke would be sight. However, the way was straight forward. Until an unfortunate drop. When his hand didn’t catch any ground, he didn’t manage to react until he was falling face first down a narrow shaft. He put his limbs against the walls and caught himself. He scrunched his face in embarrassment and was beyond grateful no one saw it. He had to spider walk his way down in an awkward manner. He finally reached the exit. He waited until McCree confirmed the hacking successful and removed the grid. The only light on was a blue one on the ceiling. It was a relatively big room full of cisterns with a control panel. The huge tubes leading into them met each other on one wall and exited the room together.

 

When Genji moved towards them he heard footsteps and talking. It was two male voices coming down stairs behind the door. He quickly hid behind a cistern. The men who entered wore normal work uniforms. They were speaking russian, both engrossed with the conversation. They acted like they were on the brink of some huge philosophic discovery. They didn’t even notice the grid lying on the ground near a wall. Without looking, one of them took a crank and turned it. It was slow and heavy. The other one went to the controls and pushed buttons. They were still talking intently. Genji huffed quietly out of irritation. 

 

When they finally left, Genji jumped out quickly to the tubes. He pulled out the Slicer laser. It was like a laser pen, only bigger. He cut through the reinforced tubes with ease. A loud burst of gas rushed out. He jumped down and looked around. It was all a grey color, no vent in sight. He heard the men’s distressed voices and the door slammed open. Genji headed to the direction of the sound. With the smoke and quiet footsteps, he walked around them with ease. Genji got out the door and sprinted up the stairs. A blaring alarm burst out throughout the facility.

 

¨Bring up the map,¨ Genji ordered, ¨I’m on the stairs leading out of the room."

 

¨Take right as you get up,¨ McCree responded quickly, ¨It will lead you to an aircraft bay. From your perspective there’s a door to the far right corner. Take it slow and easy. You have time before it explodes.¨

 

McCree’s words calmed Genji. At the top of the stairs, he heard running from the left. He dashed to the right and opened the door carefully. He slinked in. It was a huge hangar. There were two big planes meant for shipping. Workers that had fixed up and loaded the planes ran towards the exit, the same one Genji was headed for. He hid behind a forklift and waited for everyone to clear out. Much to his dismay he heard clanking footsteps and robotic chirping. From the other side a group of omnics entered the area and spread out. They weren’t stupid either. Two went to the exit. Genji stealthed from a lift to a stack of missiles to a crane by one of the aircrafts. He silently climbed up, landing on the top. With the omnics strictly on the floor, they couldn’t see him. He crouched to the edge. Between him and the exit were four omnics, including the pre-mentioned ones, the other plane and miscellaneous trucks and crates. Genji took a running start and jumped to the other aircraft. The force from his legs surprised him. He somersaulted upon landing and went still as a rock. He heard alert beeping and the nearby omnics started looking more fervently. His heart may have been calm but his stomach was twisting to a most uncomfortable degree. Carefully he stood up and made his way to climb down the other side. He got down behind a crate. Taking a deep breath to ready for the final dash, his shoulder was hit by a electric and burning shot. It forced him forward and down on his knees. Tightening his lips and inhaling sharply, he avoided screaming. He heard quick metallic footsteps nearing him. A glance back revealed four other omnics. They fired again. Genji jumped up on the crate and then onto the plane again. The omnics followed suit.

 

¨I’ve been found,¨ Genji reported.

 

¨How many?¨

 

¨A total of eight omnics.¨

 

¨Can you handle them?¨

 

¨Yes.¨

 

As only one omnic could climb up at a time, Genji easily hit them with the laser one by one. A big hole was cut through them. With an electric burst each, they all fell to the ground. He heard three others latching onto the plane and climbing up from different angles. Genji jumped down and dashed towards the entrance. The one omnic guarding it shot. Genji moved swiftly to the side and fired the laser. The omnic took the hit with its arm. Genji merely increased the power and swung it. Its upper torso slid off and hit the floor with a loud bang. He opened the door and by the power of some other-worldly being, he managed to throw his right arm up to shield him from the onslaught of machine gun fodder. He was thrown back. The air was kicked out of him, a sickening feeling. He forced himself to roll to the side, under a truck. There was a bastion by the exit. The world swirled and a dull ache had a tight grip on his right shoulder. Genji moaned in pain. He lifted his prosthetic, but the forearm was limp. It was completely shredded, metallic fingers holding on by some measly cords.

 

¨There’s a bastion blocking the exit,¨ Genji groaned.

 

¨I’m on my way.¨ McCree’s voice was as professional as ever.

 

¨The job is done, just go.¨

 

¨Shut the hell up, you over-dramatic little shit.¨ His tone was still calm and serious.

 

Genji cracked a smile. With the laser knocked out of his grip and no shurikens, Genji had to rely on his katana.

 

_A dragon would be neat._

 

Omnics were closing up on him. The floor shook with a loud rumble from within. Genji tried to calm his breathing and to not be surprised that he kinda didn’t want to die. He threw a smoke bomb. Under cover he crawled to the side of the truck. He searched with his hand for the door. Battling stress, he tried to be as soundless as he could. When he finally found it he slinked in and curled up under the steering wheel. The omnics incessant beeping coupled with the banging of his heart, dulled Genji's senses. He gripped the handle of his katana, fist straining to the point of pain. His muscles were itching to pull it out. He tried to remember those stupid meditation lessons, but images of the omnics opening the door occupied his mind. He heard the clanky footsteps getting closer. The bastion beeped as if it was giving orders.

 

_McCree, McCree, McCree, McCree-_

 

The name gave hope. Genji was brought back to his childhood. Relying completely on someone else and the embarrassment that entailed. He could take out the omnics by himself, that he knew for certain. However, with cover from a bastion, that was a whole other story.

 

"Where are you," McCree whispered.

 

"In the blue truck-"

 

A robotic hand slammed against the door and it flew open, hinges creaking. Angry red lights glared at Genji and guns were raised. Genji pulled out the katana and slashed down the omnic. He kicked the robot and it fell back on another one. As it pushed the corpse to the side, Genji stabbed it. It gave a loud pep that abruptly ended as it's lights shut down. There were 6 more walking towards him. Genji got in position and held his sword in front of him. He needed to crouch. He couldn't risk the bastion getting him through the windows. Genji heard the lovely, familiar rhythm of gunshots roaring. Not even a second apart, each omnic fell to the ground. Genji's heart lifted and he took a step forward.

 

"Thank you-"

 

It was a horrible combination of deafening machine gun bullets and an agonizing scream. It didn't sound like him, but it had to be McCree. Genji heard a loud thud coupled with choking sounds. The bastion beeped satisfied. Genji peeked out the window and saw the bastion aiming towards one of the huge windows up top. There was a laser-cut hole in it and a black figure lying on the windowsill. It was a moment of clarity. Genji knew exactly what was needed to take that bastion down. The clear thoughts were decimated immediately. A nauseating mix of fear, stress, pain and rage took over. Time slowed down as Genji was forced to experience each one of them. He started to tremble and his vision turned blurry and wet.

 

"...shit...," McCree breathed into the comm. It sounded painful. Genji's attention finally centered on something. "You might have to find another pilot." The comm ended as he started to grunt in pain. 

 

Genji sat in a meditative position and held his sword horizontally in front of him. 

 

A clear mind.

A purpose.

A mantra.

 

_It's all going to be fine. Just like before. Every time it's gone to shit, it's been fine. Even when I died. This dragon is the key to my success. It will be McCree's salvation and I don't care if it belongs to the Shimada's. I'll steal it to save McCree._

 

He had forgotten how exhilarating it was having the dragon course through one's veins. It burned but it was empowering, as if he was fire himself. He felt his muscles being forced to move. He grabbed the top of the truck and flung himself on the roof. He landed with a loud bang and made indents with his feet. The bastion aimed for him and fired. Genji launched himself into the air. Twisting and turning, he fell with his blade down. He landed before he anticipated. The force coursed through his body. The blade pierced mercilessly through the omnic, electric shockwaves going up the blade. The omnic didn't even give a dying sound before the blade cut its AI. Ensuring its death for a second, Genji then sheathed his katana. He climbed with unnatural speed to McCree. He felt the dragon starting to seep out but the sheer sight of McCree locked it within Genji's body. McCree laid down with his hands covering the side of his lower abdomen. There was a sickening amount of blood. His hands were completely soaked and the pool beneath him only grew. His clothes and chest piece on that side were tattered, fragments laying all around. His chest was heaving up and down rapidly. He was making wheezing noises with an occasional moan. He was pale. His eyes opened for a second only to be shut in pain.Genji dashed to him within seconds.

 

"What the hell," McCree struggled to get out.

 

Genji put a foot on a part of McCree's jacket and tore it with his hand. McCree groaned as Genji lifted his upper body. Genji put the cloth around him and McCree tied the knot. When it got too close to the wound and caused him to cry out it pain, Genji took over. He pulled McCree up. He bit his tongue and laid himself on Genji's shoulders. As soon as McCree was secured, Genji dashed out the window. The force of the hard landing was easily absorbed by the dragon. McCree didn’t have time to catch his breath before Genji started sprinting. His muscles were starting to ache. His shoulders started to cramp and his thighs burned. One of McCree’s arm was across his collarbones and dangerously close to choking him. It didn’t help that his heart and lungs were at their limit.

 

_Save McCree!_

 

The mantra struggled to keep the beast in place. Genji gritted his teeth. Explosions started booming from within the factory. Genji couldn’t afford to look back but he imagined there were several strands of smoke. He got an extra surge of energy when he saw the small jet. He forced his legs to go faster. It felt like he was falling apart. He slowed down and stumbled to the door. The dragon had completely seeped out, leaving him burning and covered in sticky sweat. McCree got off, groaned and opened the door. He almost fell but Genji guided him to a seat. McCree’s face was glistening with sweat. Genji grabbed a first aid kit and helped McCree get off his chest armor and shirt. Every movement was accompanied with a exclamation of pain. It was a grotesque wound. Metallic bits mangled and mixed with red flesh. Genji got out disinfected tweezers. McCree’s chest heaved together with wheezing sounds. His eyes were half open and lips cracked. Genji pulled out a syringe with a numbing drug. McCree pushed it away.

 

¨I have to get us up in the air,¨ he panted.

 

Genji nodded and brought the tweezers to the wound. As he pulled out the first piece, McCree gritted his teeth and grunted. Genji ignored his pain and kept going. McCree struggled to not twitch. His face scrunched up in pain and an occasional curse slipped his lips. When Genji accidentally grabbed a part of his flesh, McCree’s whole body jolted. He grabbed Genji’s shoulder and squeezed. If Genji hadn’t worn armor it would’ve hurt. Genji pulled out a big piece and McCree cried out. Genji was surprised at how little he was feeling at the moment. Several friends had been in similar situations. It hurt like hell to fix but all of them had been fine in the end. Genji had survived worse. McCree was strong; he could endure the pain. Still, worry was just around the corner.

 

With all the pieces out, Genji grabbed a biotic capsule. He held it near the wound and opened it. Emitting a yellow glow, it caused the flesh to pull towards each other and grow. McCree bit back groans of pain. It was disgusting but fascinating all the same. Soon the skin started to grow. Blood squirted here and there. A small amount bled out as it was all closing up. Genji helped McCree get on his shirt that had a big hole in it. McCree leaned on him as they got to the pilot seats. With lazy movements, McCree pushed all the necessary buttons. He held onto the steering wheel with exhausted eyed. The jet started up and moved forward. Increasing the speed, everything started to tremble. McCree took shallow breaths as he pulled the jet upwards. Blood began seeping out from the wound and his eyes were flickering. Genji held out a hand, unsure what to do if McCree fainted before they were airborne. After a few agonizing seconds the plane was horizontal and the shaking faded away. 

 

With three loud breaths, McCree slumped forward and went limp. Genji pushed him back and activated auto-pilot. With one arm he struggled to carry him. It ended up with Genji almost dragging McCree. Genji took out a stretcher and laid McCree on it. He injected him with the numbing drug and covered him with a shock blanket. Genji gazed at McCree’s pale, sweaty face. At a spur of the moment, Genji laid his human hand on McCree’s cheek. Hesitating a bit, he circled his thumb. A tight grip let go in Genji’s chest and he exhaled deeply. Without thinking, Genji took off his face plate and rested his forehead against McCree’s. Genji realized how starved he was. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Carefully, he rubbed his forehead against his. He jumped as he heard McCree take a sharp breath. Genji went still and waited for McCree to open his eyes and be disgusted. He didn’t. Slowly, Genji moved away from him. He went to the controls and left a message to Reyes.

 

¨Mission successful. McCree heavily injured but stable at the moment. Prepare surgery for our arrival in 4 hours. My arm is broken. Should probably fix that. Yeah… Over and out.¨

 

Genji collapsed on the pilot seat. A dull exhaustion numbed his body and sleep took over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I'll be going
> 
> Had a lot of troubles and insecurities with this chapter. God bless dead-eyes-and-rotting-soul for supporting me!
> 
> Medical notes:  
> You might think I'm exaggerating how quickly Genji changes when stopping and then beginning taking meds. In my experience it goes that fast when you've got a severe case. And yes, I myself have acted how he did and I know others who have as well.
> 
> That might seem like a lot of meds but in the world of medication it's not unusual to have a cocktail of pills. A professor of medicine named Jay N Cohn have talked about this.
> 
> (friggin what fanfic has medical notes??????? who even reads these????)
> 
> It is not unusual for alcohol to jumpstart depressive episodes. Most patients have to stop drinking all together as it cancels the effects of the medications.


	10. Say goodbye to a healthy mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's only a few days left until Genji goes to Japan

For a second Genji believed that he had dreamed of having gone to Blackwatch. He was in a hospital room like before with Mila on his stomach. Sensing the slightest of movement from him, she woke up. She jumped at him and they cuddled. Genji was embarrassed by his boyish giggles. Glancing to the side, he was reminded of reality. McCree was sleeping in a bed next to him. Genji wanted to see McCree’s wound but he was covered by a blanket. Judging from the lack of blood, it seemed fine. When he moved he noticed the missing right arm. Looking at his stump shoulder brought back unpleasant memories. He clicked his tongue, annoyed. It was going to take 3 weeks to construct a new arm and attach it. Dr. Ziegler would not be happy either. Grunting, he got out of bed. Mila followed.

 

With tired feet, he made his way to McCree. Genji hadn’t noticed it before, but McCree had a stern resting face. Almost hostile. Genji liked it. He liked all of McCree. His skin was a beautiful brown and he had messy hair. He was scruffy too. Genji couldn’t deny he had dreamed of rubbing his face against his beard. In fact, McCree was basically a bear; large, muscular and hairy. Genji felt tension breaking within him.

 

_McCree’s safe._

 

Genji jolted when the door behind him opened. In walked Reyes with hurried breaths. Genji straightened his posture. He eyed his mask by his bed and squeezed his eyes to repress the shame.

 

¨Commander.¨

 

Reyes didn’t spare him a glance. He went directly to examine McCree; his breaths gradually slowing down. After a sigh and relax of shoulders he turned to Genji.

 

¨You ok,¨ he asked.

 

¨Yes,¨ Genji was caught off guard by Reyes demeanour, ¨thanks to McCree.¨

 

¨And he’s okay thanks to you?¨

 

Genji’s stomach tied in a knot.

 

¨H-he wouldn't have been in danger if it weren’t for my careless actions. I-¨

 

¨Save the details for the report.¨ Reyes looked back at McCree.

 

¨It would’ve been the end of you if you had failed to save him,¨ Reyes’ voice was cold. The knot twisted further. Reyes’ eyes softened.

 

¨Thank you.¨ With those genuine words and the affectionate look he gave McCree, Genji’s heart sunk.

 

¨Tell that bastard when he wakes up that if he doesn’t stop being careless I’ll end him myself.¨ Reyes left.

 

Genji was too exhausted for the angst building up in him. He returned to his bed and brought out his phone. To metaphorically push the anxiety out a door, he played some simple-minded game.

 

An hour passed and then Genji heard shuffling from McCree.

 

He had to force himself to not fly out and leap to his bed. McCree yawned and looked around. When he saw Genji he gave him a faint smile.

 

¨You look like a worried lover,¨ McCree said. 

 

His voice was raspy.

 

_I’d love to wake up next to that one day._

 

¨Well, showing your entrails is the number one way to get someone to like you.¨ Genji chuckled like the love-struck idiot he was.

 

He grabbed a chair and sat down beside the bed.

 

¨Uh-huh,¨ McCree mumbled.

 

His face stiffened in an expression of thought. For a second he seemed lost. He nervously scratched his head.

 

¨Yeah, that is a way to make someone remember you,¨ he said, ¨not what I’d prefer.¨

 

Genji didn’t know what to say. McCree started to laugh but it did nothing to lift the somber mood.

 

¨I really did almost die.¨

 

McCree's smile and eyes did not match. He sighed. 

 

¨Thank you for saving me,¨ McCree said without looking at Genji.

 

He seemed like he wanted to say something more but couldn’t get it out.

 

¨Of course-¨ Genji cut himself off.

 

It was stupid and immature. The idea to confess that he would give his life to McCree was terrifying.

 

¨You saved my stupid ass so I just wanted to return the favor.¨

 

They both cracked a smile.

 

¨Did Reyes yell at you,¨ asked McCree.

 

¨Don’t worry, I tuned out. It’s very easy to do when you’ve got a mask.¨

 

They laughed together. Then McCree fell into thought again.

 

¨How did you even manage to save me,¨ he asked, ¨my memory’s fuzzy but your arm was busted, right?¨

 

¨My legs did most of the work, but in the end I got lucky.¨

 

¨Ah, ok.¨

 

It was a lame cover-up. Fortunately McCree was too tired to address it.

 

¨Get some sleep.¨ Genji patted McCree on the shoulder and stood up.

 

¨Yes please.¨ McCree sunk further into the bed.

 

Exiting the room and closing the door behind him, Genji almost fell to the ground. His face was burning hot.

 

_Why the hell did I pat his shoulder?_

 

**3 months later**

 

Gabriel’s senses were always dull at that time of night. Going through documents without giving them much thought; routinely signing them and assessing within a second if it was important or not. The excitement he’d gotten when covering up missions on these papers was long gone. In his head he cursed and complained about the useless forms the UN persisted with. He did the smallest amount possible so the UN didn't check too much on his work. He dreamt of the day he’d find someone he trusted enough to do this for him. Someone who didn’t mind writing “suicide” on a prisoner that had gotten a bullet through their head. He had someone in mind but she would be reluctant.

 

Speaking of the devil, the monotony was broken with two knocks on his door.

 

“It's me,” Louise said from behind the door.

 

“Finally a reason to not do this bullshit,” Gabriel said as he stretched, “come in.”

 

Louise walked in holding a laptop and with eyes that could close any moment. She threw the laptop on the couch and leaned on the desk. She was wearing a frown.

 

“What's that look for,” Gabriel asked.

 

“When will you tell me you've run out of lithium* before you go manic,” Louise scolded.

 

“I'm busy, you know that,” Gabriel retorted.

 

“Pfft.”

 

Louise pulled out a small packet from her pocket and placed it on the table.

 

“Did you buy fabrics,” she asked.

 

“Actually this time I didn't,” Gabriel smirked. 

 

Louise kept frowning.

 

“I'm serious, you can't just forget to take your meds. I don't know if you notice it but your agents do. McCree was very annoyed by you yesterday.”

 

Gabriel chest pricked out of shame. He opened the packet and grabbed a pill. He dried swallowed it with ease.

 

“You're right,” he sighed. 

 

“Mmhm.”

 

Louise covered her mouth as she yawned. She kept leaning on the desk but didn't say anything. She looked down and her mouth opened slightly only to close. She was as obvious as ever.

 

“What is it,” he asked.

 

“Does Genji really have to go,” she mumbled.

 

Gabriel sighed and leaned back in his chair. This wasn't a surprise.

 

“The Shimadas are skillful fighters and have immense security. He can easily bypass that. What would take us months to figure out and plan he already knows,” he said matter-of-factly.

 

Louise huffed.

 

“And what is the well-being of a criminal worth compared to the innocents,” she said, “there's no use thinking about this.” She crossed her arms.

 

“Do you deem him mentally stable enough to do this?”

 

“…yes.”

 

Despite the hesitation, Gabriel was happy with her answer. Discussing ethics wouldn't save anyone. Louise was learning that in her time in Blackwatch. She stretched her arms and yawned.

 

“Imma do the last bit of work here.” She plopped down on the couch and placed the laptop on her lap.

 

“Be my guest,” Gabriel smiled.

 

It was quiet saved for typing and scribbling. Ever so often one interrupted the other to complain about something or to joke. Unfortunately, beneath that safe atmosphere was the knowledge that they had opted out the well-being of a person.

 

—

 

Dr Ziegler’s room could’ve been better organized to put it lightly. Not that that hindered her in any way. Genji admired her professionalism. She worked quickly and efficiently, gave good instructions and easy explanations. For this examination she drew quite a lot of blood, checked his skin, among other things. She made sure his proportions weren’t messed up by the prosthetics and spine support. Neither Genji or Ziegler spoke. It wasn’t an awkward silence per se, but both knew that there were things to be said. The question was if either of them wanted to bother with the discussion. Genji was somewhat back to his old self and that meant he was confrontational. However, Ziegler’s self-righteousness was annoying.

 

¨Are you sure you want to go,¨ Ziegler asked.

 

Genji rolled his eyes. _And there it is._

 

¨Why ask now? Didn’t you know this would happen from the start?¨

 

¨I’ve never wanted you do this.¨

 

Genji stifled a cackle.

 

¨Then why did you re-build me?¨

 

¨Is it so weird to believe that I simply wanted to save you.¨ Ziegler’s tone was harsh.

 

¨Well, if they’re a scumbag like me and it costs a scary amount of tax money.¨

 

Ziegler stopped her hand right before she slammed it on the table.

 

¨Why can’t you just be happy with being alive? Why are you always choosing hatred?¨

 

¨What are you, a monk?¨

 

She glared at him. Genji’s mouth twitched; he wanted to smirk so bad.

 

¨You could devote yourself to research and help people. The data we’ve gotten from you is invaluable and you can bring it even further. Yet you only think of yourself and choose to kill instead.¨

 

¨I owe no one anything,¨ Genji raised his voice, ¨ _You_ did this to me.¨

 

¨It has nothing to do with that. It’s that you’re choosing selfishness!¨

 

¨Oh, but am I not ’saving Japan’? Am I not ’atoning for my sins’?¨

 

¨Bullshit. You couldn’t care less about Japan. All your life you’ve been surrounded by death and when you finally get a chance to choose life, you gleefully run into hell.¨

 

Genji’s chest heaved. He took one second to answer.

 

¨In that case I have to thank you, it’s much easier running with these prosthetics than my real legs.¨

 

Ziegler was taken aback. Her expression turned dark.

 

¨I’ve accepted that I’ll never have your gratitude, but those prosthetics saved you and you can’t deny that.¨

 

She finished her work and went to her desk.

 

¨Enjoy your stay in Japan.¨

 

¨… Thank you.¨

 

When Genji turned his back to her, he still felt the tension between them.

 

—

 

It was light’s out and dead quiet in their sleeping quarters. Genji couldn’t sleep. He would leave for Japan in two days. It was an inappropriate analogy, but Genji felt like a kid before Christmas. All his hard work would soon pay off. Every pissy thing he’s had to endure would get paid for. His fantasies weren’t as violent as before but over and over again he imagined killing Hanzo. He couldn’t help but smile when thinking about his Uncle’s face before his assassination. His mother would cry and beg Genji to stop as he tore the empire down. These dreams were like sweet cotton candy. Genji _needed_ them to become reality. The best part was, a world-wide security force would fund it and it would all be in the name of ’justice’. It felt too good to be true, but he had earned it.

 

Genji felt a poke on his back.

 

¨What is it,¨ Genji whispered and reached for his mask.

 

¨Just wanna talk at the usual place,¨ McCree answered.

 

Back in the storage room where the alcohol incident took place, Genji and McCree took their seats on the crates.

 

¨Wanna make me spend my last hours with you,¨ Genji teased.

 

¨You know it,¨ McCree returned the flirt.

 

Flirting was always bittersweet. It was a fun game and Genji was genuine but he was also an abomination. Despite the impossibility of McCree’s attraction to him, Genji clung to his suggestive lines.

 

McCree’s playful expression became stern. Genji was more than done with anxiety but that didn’t stop it from appearing in his stomach.

 

¨How do you feel about killing friends and family,¨ asked McCree.

 

Genji was taken aback.

 

¨I-uh…¨ His chest hurt but he shook it off. ¨They hated my freedom so much that they killed their own son and brother. If sentiments didn’t matter to them, then that shit most definitely doesn't matter to me. Are you gonna teach me some forgiveness bullshit?¨

 

¨No.¨ McCree shook his head. ¨It’s just that it will be more painful than you think.¨

 

¨Does that matter?¨

 

¨Just want you to be prepared is all.¨

 

¨McCree, I’ve dreamt of this from the moment I understood what had happened to me.¨

 

McCree snorted.

 

¨To be honest, I wish I could be there and see you slice them open.¨

 

¨Thanks for being supportive,¨ Genji cracked a smile.

 

¨Of course,¨  McCree smirked. ¨Well.¨ McCree changed the atmosphere and brought out snacks, containing no alcohol or drug. ¨We are gonna party like mormons before they leave on their missions.¨

 

Genji laughed at the tupperware containing various salsas.

 

¨ _Sabishikunaruyo_ *,¨ said Genji.

 

¨What’s that mean?¨ asked McCree.

 

¨I can eat more spicy food than you.¨

 

¨Really.¨ McCree acted dumb. ¨I had a feeling you’d say that.¨

 

McCree picked out one container.

 

¨The best kind.¨ McCree gave a devilish smile. ¨Ghost pepper.¨

 

¨Ooh.¨ Genji was looking forward to the upcoming disaster.

 

What followed was sweat, tears, coughing and laughing. The slaughter Genji was scheduled to commit was far away. What was right before him was love he didn't deserve. Love which he desperately wanted to touch.

 

The morning after Genji stood in the aircraft bay with Mila was resting on his shoulder. He was facing his teammates. Their smiles were awkward, even McCree’s.

 

¨Good luck, don’t hurt yourself,¨ said Jacques.

 

¨We’ll take care of McCree for you,¨ said Tuisko.

 

¨I’m going to miss you, Mila,¨ said Monson.

 

¨Good luck killing your family,¨ said Chepkemei.

 

They all might’ve as well turned into stone. Genji’s breath stopped in his chest and he grimaced behind his mask. 

 

¨Wh-what the hell, Chepkemei,¨ Jacques managed to utter.

 

Everyone had joined in on Genji’s anxiety.

 

¨Don’t sugarcoat this,¨ Chepkemei continued, ¨Please understand the situation you’re in. Killing is never fun.¨

 

Genji’s tongue was caught. He felt anger creeping within him.

 

¨I guess,¨ McCree sighed, ¨Don’t romanticize this.¨

 

Genji glared at him.

 

¨Agent Shimada,¨ said the pilot, ¨time to board.¨

 

Genji gathered himself.

 

¨Don’t insult me,¨ he answered, ¨Now then-¨ Genji bowed. ¨Thank you all for your kindness.¨ 

 

Genji headed to the jet.

 

¨Genji,¨ McCree called out.

 

Genji turned around.

 

¨Video chat dates, right,¨ McCree winked.

 

¨Of course,¨ Genji answered.

 

McCree was annoying. Whenever Genji wanted to wallow in negativity, McCree had to add something positive. 

 

As the doors closed, Genji immediately longed for McCree’s face. The jet started up and made it’s way into the air. It was only Genji, Mila and two pilots he barely onboard. The compact sound and dim lights made Genji’s senses swirl. Anxiety came and started to drain him. Question after question forced themselves to be asked.

 

_What does Hanzo and Mother look like now?_

 

_Have they missed me?_

 

_Do they think of me?_

 

_Do they used me as an example?_

 

_Are they happy?_

 

_Have Hanzo found someone?_

 

_Have the clan flourished without me?_

 

_Should I reveal who I am to them?_

 

_Will they curse me then?_

 

_Should I torture them?_

 

_How much then?_

 

Genji took a deep breath. He wanted to throw up. Japan was a fuzzy nightmare that he was returning to. Genji was going into the core of it and he was looking forward to it. Yet, it gave him a headache. Genji tried to listen to music. His thought drowned the songs out. As if possessed, all he could think of was methods to kill. The hatred had neatly settled in his chest. The calm days of Blackwatch was gone. He was finally free of pointless missions. He could focus on his vengeful, ugly self and fulfill his evil desires. It was nice. 

 

_I don’t need to plan that much. It will end with them in pieces either way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¨Hey, Queen, if this chapter is so short, why did it take so long to write?¨ That's because
> 
> Next chapter is the beginning of the Shimada Extermination Arc. I'm warning you guys, it's going to be really dark.
> 
> Medical Notes:  
> Lithium is a medicine against bipolar disorder. Very effective but does make you hungrier.  
> Bipolar Disorder gives you times of excessive energy and impulsivity and times of depression.   
> If you have type 1 it is not unusual to randomly buy a car and then become suicidal. Reyes has type 2 though so he's in no danger.


	11. He doesn't get to kill just yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genji arrives in Japan. He meets his new commander and gets his first missions.

Genji had been so restless during the journey that he wanted to bang his head against a wall. He had played with Mila but even she got bored after hours of stagnation. McCree had had no time to chat with him either. The pilot was his new captain, named Kino. His hairstyle was pretty average and long for being in the military. They switched from the plane to a car, going along the countryside. Genji was struck with nostalgia. The way the pattern of the trees and color of the grass, how the lines on the road was drawn and how the fences were designed; he hadn’t seen that for over a year. On roadsigns he saw kanji he had forgotten about. Then he saw Hanamura in the distance. He felt something strain in his chest and he grimaced at the sight. On a desolate road they changed cars. From a beautiful, modern vehicle to an old tractor. Genji didn’t bother to ask. It was a bit bumpy but the car went fine. As he still was taken by nostalgia, they reached a farm in the middle of nowhere. 

 

It was beautiful. Lustrous greens with dashes of red, yellow and pink. Four houses contrasted neatly with their rich, dark brown. For some reason Genji was happy to see the Japanese architecture. There were barrels, tools, carts, haystacks, even a dog sitting on one of the porches. It kept a watchful eye on the tractor. Its ears pointed straight up. There were patches of vegetables and flowers. There was an old man and woman working in the crops. They stopped and started to follow the tractor.

 

The tractor stopped in front of the houses. A woman in her forties was standing there and awaited the arrival. Her hair was tied up in a perfect bun. She was wearing jeans and a short-sleeved shirt. She was well-built. There were two women standing behind her. One was small with a ponytail and wore a colorful hoodie. The other was a woman in her fifties with mechanical hands. There was something about their eyes. They were curious but also hostile. Genji decided to ignore it. He stepped out and bowed deeply before them. Now when he was standing before them, their expressions became normal.

 

¨Commander Oshiro,¨ he greeted.

 

¨Agent Shimada.¨ She spoke with authority. ¨I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.¨

 

¨As I’ve looked forward to meeting you, Commander.¨

 

¨This is Midoriya-san, our IT expert.¨ The small one took a step forward and gave a light bow. ¨And this is Dr Issei.¨ The older one did the same. ¨The couple coming here are Mr and Mrs Kurusu, our house help.¨ The couple walked up from behind Genji. They gave a nod of their heads and greeted.

 

¨Yes. I am in your care.¨ Genji bowed again.

 

Oshiro seemed please.

 

¨Captain Kino will show you around, after that you will have a meeting with me,¨ she said.

 

¨Yes,¨ replied Genji.

 

¨Everyone get to work.¨ With that she left. The others did the same, except for Kino.

 

¨Ask me any questions you have about this place,¨ he said.

 

¨Thank you for your help.¨ Genji bowed.

 

Kino’s formality towards Genji felt forced.

 

¨Follow me.¨

 

Genji felt light-headed after bowing so much. It had been over a year since he’d practiced that kind of formality. Being strictly called ’Shimada’ was going to be a nightmare but he could handle it. It was anti-climatic to have ended up on a farm. It was such an excellent hideout, he couldn’t help but feel that he’d arrived at the wrong place. Genji was more than amused that he was at the place his family had been looking for for years. Still, the tour made Genji regress into boredom again. Everything looked like a normal farm with modern conveniences. All the basic information of schedules, food, training, meetings, it was all given to him. He wanted to groan like a child.

 

_I wanna kill people! Ugh!_

 

Finally Kino said that he was going to bring Genji to the actual base. They went to the entryway in the main building. Genji was childishly excited to be standing in a gentian again.

 

¨Skär,¨ Kino said and Genji thought he had switched his mother tongue for a second.

 

A part of the stone pavement opened up and revealed stairs. They led to a metal door. Kino put his hand on a small screen beside the door. It opened up, revealing a control room with several computers. It was round in shape with four doors spread out. A giant screen was put on the far end. Midoriya was sitting on by one screen, typing away and moving holograms from here to there. She ignored him. Kino guided Genji to a door on the left. He knocked and it opened automatically. It was the office of Commander Oshiro. She stood up from her desk.

 

Kino and Genji bowed.

 

¨Good, now we can begin the briefing,¨ said Oshiro, ¨stand here.¨ She motioned to the table.

 

A layer of wood opened up to reveal a screen under it. Oshiro tapped a few times and files of the Yakuza showed up. Genji felt a smile on his lips. Lists of people were brought up. Some of undercover agents. Genji recognized the faces and felt stupid he hadn’t realized that they were spies. Beside the names was the word ¨deceased¨.  Most of them were people that were on their way to the top. Some of them had done mistakes that had put them on the edge. They were all people his family and the elders didn’t trust. Still, that they all had been killed, was it Blackwatch? 

 

¨A month after your ’death’ there was a mass execution,¨ Oshiro explained, ¨over the course of 5 weeks these people were killed. Almost all of our inside information vanished. We hadn’t anticipated this, but we do know it was Shimada Hanzo’s order. Do you have any clue as to why he would do this?¨

 

Simply hearing his name made Genji sick.

 

¨No,¨ Genji answered, ¨he isn’t a trigger happy person, unless something changed.¨

 

¨Could the stress of your disobedience have inspired him?¨

 

¨Maybe, but this is many people. Shimada Hanzo dealt with things more delicately. Something unplanned must have triggered this. You still have one inside, right?¨

 

¨Yes, but all she’s gathered is that the family has moved away and closed themselves off. As you said, something unexpected happened which keeps them on their toes to this day. Shimada Hanzo could have suffered emotionally after your honor-killing.¨

 

Genji let out a cackle. Oshiro glared at him. He collected himself. The idea made him want to throw up.

 

¨The possibility is there,¨ she said.

 

¨Of course,¨ Genji played along.

 

¨Trying to get spies in again has been near impossible. We still only get surface information. We can’t do anything with that. Your assignment will be to wiretap where high-up boryokudan* frequent. A hint as to where the main family resides or visit will come up.¨

 

Commander Oshiro gave Genji all the details on his upcoming mission. He was going to wiretap the castle, a hostess club/bar and the apartment of a longstanding mafia member, Iwai-san. He was also going to scour the Shimada family’s apartment. It was going to be easy. There were no security countermeasures for him after all. He was going to be equipped with a small jetpack that would boost his jumps. It was going to be tedious work but Genji had counted on a slow start. He needed to remain patient. The briefing ended and Genji couldn’t wait to get to work.

 

¨Captain Kino will guide you to the infirmary,¨ said Oshiro, ¨there Dr Issei will operate a GPS into you.¨

 

¨I already have a GPS,¨ he said and pointed to his helmet.

 

¨I said _into_ you,¨ Oshiro clarified, ¨the chip will also be capable of sending electric shocks.¨

 

Genji wanted to lash out, but all he saw was Dr Ziegler with choke marks on her throat glaring at him, denying his freedom.

 

¨I understand,¨ he said, feeling like a scarred child.

 

¨Later he’ll teach you the password.¨

 

The infirmary didn’t look too different from the one at Blackwatch. Dr Issei’s hands reminded Genji of spider legs. Much to his dismay, they thoroughly inspected his cybernetic body.

 

¨Hmm, yes, this is the work of Ziegler,¨ she mumbled, ¨quite the work of art. Hopefully not wasted on you.¨

 

¨Yes,¨ Genji muttered.

 

¨Hmm, yes. Now lay on your stomach.¨

 

Genji followed her instructions. She took away parts on his upper back. She applied numbing before she cut him open. He didn’t feel anything but judging from the time, she put the chip deep. It took thirty minutes. A nice amount of time to remember that his body belonged to crazy doctors. After that he was given normal clothes and shown to his room. Again he was going to share space, this time with Kino. As he had packed up his stuff and given a moment of silence, he sighed deeply. His body went weak and his mind apathetic. He didn’t want to be there, nor did he want to be at Blackwatch. Finally he realized that he didn’t want to be anywhere. Except for by McCree’s side.

 

It was time for lunch. Commander Oshiro, Captain Kino, Midoriya and Dr Issei sat around a large table in the main house. The dish was curry. Part of Genji screamed ¨hell yeah¨ in his head. Midoriya and Issei were joking around. Oshiro and Kino were discussing work. With all of them also wearing normal clothes, there was no way one could guess they were Blackwatch elite. Genji stood awkwardly in the doorway to the dining area.

 

¨Shimada, please sit down,¨ said Oshiro when she saw him.

 

All chatter stopped and everyone looked at him. The eyes hurt and they were bitter. Genji wanted to apologize yet at the same time curse at them.

 

¨Yes, commander.¨ Genji took a seat at the far end.

 

A stale awkward moment passed.

 

¨Let’s work efficiently together,¨ said Midoriya, passive-aggressive.

 

¨Yes, let’s.¨ Genji bowed slightly.

 

Oshiro served herself curry. Everyone followed. The only sounds were the tingling of kitchenware and it made it the atmosphere more tense. When everyone had gotten their food they slowly started to talk to each other again. Soon the friendly atmosphere was back and Genji was forgotten. He sat there with no intention of taking his faceplate off to eat.

 

¨You need to eat,¨ Oshiro finally said.

 

Genji gulped and took a risk.

 

¨May I eat somewhere else,¨ he asked.

 

Everyone looked at him as if he was stupid for asking that.

 

¨No,¨ said Oshiro.

 

¨Understood.¨ Genji nodded and remained with his faceplate on.

 

¨Are you going to take that mask off,¨ Midoriya asked.

 

¨No,¨ Genji answered.

 

¨Take it off,¨ Oshiro ordered.

 

¨I don’t need to ea-¨

 

¨Take it off and eat.¨

 

Genji’s faceplate remained in place. Oshiro wiped her hands and stood up.

 

¨Do you want my help?¨

 

Genji’s heart skipped a beat.

 

¨She will do it,¨ Kino whispered.

 

Genji calmed his heart and reached for his faceplate.

 

¨No, thank you.¨

 

¨Good,¨ Oshiro smiled and sat down.

 

Genji’s body was burning even before his face was fully revealed. The piercing eyes were enough to killed him. Everyone except for Oshiro glanced at him. He shot the deadliest glare he could and they went back to eating. He took the spoon and started eating quickly. The mood felt like steel wire.

 

When lunch was over he wanted to sulk in his room but Kino grabbed him.

 

¨I’ll teach you the password.¨

 

They sat in the living room. Awkwardly stiff with straight backs and on the edge of the couch. Each on their own end.

 

¨’Skär’ is Swedish and hard for both English-speakers and Japanese to pronounce. It’s also hard to guess. It means ’to cut’ or ’pink’,¨ Kino explained, ¨we’ll begin by teaching you the ’sk’ sound.¨

 

It took the whole afternoon to get it right. Several times Genji wanted to scream out of frustration. It was like he was physically incapable of saying it. When he finally said it and got the passageway to open he was allowed to go. Kino said that he will check on him a couple of times each day to see if he can keep it up.

 

Genji didn’t start to feel well until he got into a bath. He hadn’t taken one since he had come to Blackwatch. Letting his body soak in almost burning water was heaven. He curled up and let his head remain underwater for a moment. The heat massaged him. Then he wanted to cry. The people had been shit but there were things that got to him. Talking Japanese, reading three different alphabets at once, having home-made curry, Japanese interior, Japanese people,; he had missed his culture. It felt stupid and everything bad was going to overshadow that feeling. He could at least enjoy his home in the bath.

 

—

 

Genji was full of joy as he got into the car. He was finally back in his element. The stars shone bright as he and Captain Kino drove from the farm. He had studied holographic maps of the buildings he was going to infiltrate. As they got out of the forest and on the main road, the city of Hanamura stood proudly in front of them. It would take one hour to reach it. Genji couldn’t look away. A magnificent castle rose from it; a building he used to have a right to. Genji was surprised by the lack of emotion the castle caused. It was a relief. He was annoyed by the fact that his family wasn’t there anymore. If they were he would go and kill them immediately. 

 

They stopped behind an office building by the edge of town. Genji grabbed the wiretaps and headed out. He swiftly climbed the building, avoiding the windows. It was 2 am but a few workers remained. On the roof he took a running start towards the next building. He jumped with all his strength and boosted himself with the jetpack. He grabbed onto a ledge by a dark window. He made his way up. It gave him a good view of the city. He felt the wind against him, trying to chill him down. A few cars rode around the streets, adding a melody to the otherwise quiet town. The entertainment district was bound to be more lively. He saw the neon lights from the east part of the city. It had been long but he remembered every nook and cranny of this city. Once his kingdom, it was now a cursed place and he felt disgusted standing in it. He ignored any memory of Hanamura and jumped from building to building. It was fun flying over the streets, like an all-seeing spirit. He reached the entertainment district. He headed towards a four story building with neon roses decorating its entrance. On top of the building, he broke open a vent and climbed inside. As he got further down he heard muffled laughter and drunk conversations. It was a hassle navigating the dark vents and keeping quiet at the same time. He was annoyed that he had to take it slower than anticipated. Finally he was above the deluxe private booth. He got dizzy when he recognized the voices. It was Mako-chan flirting with Suoh-San. He was loud and boastful as always. He scrunched his eyes and repressed the onslaught of memories. He planted the wiretap and moved on. He sung in his head to avoid listening to the conversation. He planted four more taps around the club and bar. At an opening of the vent he secured a seeing mosquito. With it, Midoriya would be able to fly it around as a camera. He quickly made his way out. He didn’t stop as he exited. He ran and jumped for the next building. 

 

Iwai-san lived on the top-floor of the most expensive apartment complex. Fortunately Genji had rarely visited the place, thus the feelings were at a minimum. Iwai-san was a quiet person who sometimes cracked bad jokes. He never much cared for him. He planted a seeing mosquito and a listening one as well on the balcony. With an overload of confidence he threw himself backwards. The thrill of falling felt amazing. As he neared a roof he broke the fall with the jetpack. He took a deep breath and looked at his next destination. 

 

The castle was terrifying. As he landed on the grounds, he felt weak in his knees. He had trouble keeping his eyes open. The view of everything forced him to remember his past life. He wanted to scream. He sneaked into the meeting room by the giant bell. Anxiety swirled as he remembered sitting there. He felt all the condescending eyes that had viewed him over the years. He fumbled with the wires as he set it up. He continued on. It got harder to breathe the closer he got to the actual castle. The door to the great hall was closed. He felt rage bubbling. If the door were to open, he didn’t know if he’d snap or break down. As he climbed the castle he was tempted to tear off pieces. The whole building was extremely ugly. Inside it was dark and quiet. The only security in the castle was cameras. It was a breeze to get past them, Genji knew after all where even the hidden ones were. Genji desperately tried to keep his attention on the cameras. If he didn’t he’d see him and his brother running around and chasing each other. He’d see his mother teaching them how to walk in kimonos. He’d see his father giving Genji a snack as he and Hanzo headed towards a meeting. When he’d finally planted everything, he dreamed of his bed. More despair weighed down as he realized that he was going to investigate his old home. He gritted his teeth and went for it.

 

Genji’s stomach was empty when he pick locked the servants entrance. It was dark, dusty and empty. An overwhelming anti-climax. In many of Genji’s fantasies it had been there that he’d slice his family open. His jaw clenched and he bit his lip to avoid screaming. Why was it so difficult? Why did he have to wait? It was agonizing. With an unsteady breath he went to Hanzo’s room. Tidy as usual. That pissed Genji off even more. Hanzo had bothered with tidying his room before fleeing while orchestrating a massacre. He closed the door and went to mother’s room. Nothing there either. Now he had to face his biggest fear. He felt like he was going to throw up as he went to the altar. All tension released as he saw it was completely empty. They had taken father’s picture with them. Genji probably didn’t have one. Genji chastised himself for looking at personal things. He searched for anything that was actually useful. He found nothing. Before he left he thought he might as well check out his room. It was tidy as well. His clothes, jewelry, make-up, games, posters, it was all there. All his emotions culminated into nothing. He felt a headache coming on. He pulled himself out of the apartment.

 

Genji slept the whole car ride home. Captain Kino had been satisfied with Genji’s ¨mission succeess¨. Kino woke him up when they’d arrived.

 

¨Report to Commander Oshiro,¨ he said.

 

¨Understood,¨ Genji replied.

 

Coming into the entrance way Mila trotted towards him. He felt a little bit better as he scratched her ear. Genji continued downstairs; childishly proud that he pronounced the password correctly. By the computer was Midoriya with a headset, smiling wide. She looked at Genji and gave him the thumbs up. Genji nodded in response. He knocked on Oshiro’s door and it opened. She was sitting, examining and editing holographs. She had a rather soft neutral expression. Perhaps she wasn’t as scary as he first thought. 

 

¨Excellent work,¨ she looked up and smiled, ¨quick and efficient. Reyes was right about you.¨

 

¨Thank you for your kind words.¨ Genji bowed.

 

¨How was the Shimada’s apartment?¨

 

¨Empty and unused. Nobody has been there for a long time.¨

 

Oshiro was disappointed but shook it off.

 

¨The coming weeks will be pure information gathering. When you’re not in the field you will be listening in.¨

 

¨Understood.¨

 

Genji was silently cursing the upcoming tedious work.

 

¨Good. Go and rest.¨

 

Genji bowed and left the room. So far things were working out but impatience pricked him. He sat on the back porch and brought out his phone. Mila curled up in his lap. He clicked on the only number in his favorite list. It didn’t take long until McCree answered.

 

¨Hey,¨ McCree said with cheer, ¨long time no hear.¨

 

¨It’s barely been a week. God, you’re thirsty,¨ Genji chuckled.

 

¨Well, can you blame me?¨

 

¨Heh, no I can’t. How’s the team?¨

 

¨Good as always, been interrogating some bastards. How about you?¨

 

Genji told McCree of the base, of Oshiro and Kino and the mission. They began chatting about nothing in particular. Hearing McCree’s voice right by his ear was quite the experience. Genji’s chest tickled. Coupled with Mila’s warmth, it turned out to be a tender night.

 

¨Agent Shimada,¨ Captain Kino said behind him.

 

Genji jolted and turned around. He felt like a teenaged girl getting caught with her boyfriend by her overprotective dad.

 

¨Light’s out.¨

 

¨Understood.¨ Genji stood up. ¨Talk to you later.¨

 

¨Yeah, take care.¨

 

Genji hung up and gave an apologetic bow.

 

¨Not again.¨

 

¨No, Captain.¨

 

Genji went to his room. He took off his armor, his mask and got into bed. Mila snuggled by his feet. Genji stared wide-eyed at the ceiling, surprised by his thoughts.

 

_For some reason, it feels like I have a normal life at this very moment._

 

The next day Genji was sitting in the computer room with a headset. They had so graciously given him a few packets of pocky. Midoriya, Oshiro, Kino and even Issei were joining him. They had a screen that showed which wiretaps were picking up sounds at the time. Genji was listening in on Iwai’s apartment. He wasn’t allowed to use the mosquito as he literally had no idea how to use it. It felt creepy hearing the Iwai family’s morning routine. It was surreal. Genji hadn’t heard those voices in two years. All those feelings disappeared in about 3 minutes. Hearing the nice family breakfast chatting bored him to no ends. 

 

¨Father, I’ve secured the money.¨

 

¨Dear, can you pass me the jam?¨

 

¨Sakura, have you checked in with the Nakaoka’s?¨

 

Genji almost threw up because of the happy family picture. His mind wandered. He was wondering if Mila would show up at the house with a mouse in her mouth.

 

That was how it was for a week. No special information. Only the usual yakuza dealings. Midoriya kept a catalogue of everything that might have been important. None of the big shots were in situations where they could be easily kidnapped. Almost no one visited the castle. There was only guards. Genji wanted to drop dead; he was so restless. Then one day, he finally heard something interesting.

 

¨I’m going to the castle,¨ said Iwai.

 

Genji perked up immediately. It was morning.

 

¨Move the mosquito to the castle meeting room,¨ said Genji to Midoriya, ¨Iwai-san is going to there now.¨

 

¨Understood,¨ said Midoriya and got to work.

 

She connected the visual to the big screen. She also hooked up the sound to the speakers. The video was fish-eyed and blurry. There was a servant cleaning up. Genji recognized him but paid him no mind. It hit Genji; he would maybe get to see his brother, uncle and mother again. His heart beat faster and his mouth went dry. A few minutes after the servant left, the door opened. A number of important-looking people walked in, all of which Genji knew. Some had been present at his execution. His hand longed for his katana.

 

¨Write down their names.¨ Oshiro passed Kino pen and paper. He followed her order.

 

When everyone had sat down, two more walked in. It was the feeling of finally having a deer in your scope after a long day of hunting. His uncle and brother sat down by the far end of the table. However, as Hanzo raised his head to face the group, Geni saw it clearly.

 

¨That’s not Hanzo,¨ said Genji.

 

The man had similar features, wore the kind of suit Hanzo liked and had the same length of hair, but it wasn’t Hanzo.

 

¨What do you mean,¨ Oshiro asked.

 

¨That’s my cousin, Shimada Yusuke,¨ Genji answered.

 

¨Captain Kino, get me the best photos we have of Shimada Yusuke and Shimada Hanzo,¨ said Oshiro.

 

Kino nodded. The meeting started but Genji couldn’t focus on what they were saying. What had happened that made Hanzo use a double? He felt pride in his duty so why did he give it to someone else? Genji bit his lip. Captain Kino confirmed that it was Shimada Yusuke.

 

¨That’s it,¨ Oshiro exclaimed.

 

Genji directed his attention back to the meeting. There was a shipment of weaponry going out to China in two days. Iwai was going to oversee it. A mafia member in a large harbor where any stupid thug could enter was an excellent place for them to be kidnapped.

 

¨Agent Shimada, you’ve done great work.¨ said Oshiro with a smile.

 

Genji’s chest tingled with excitement. Something in the Yakuza had gone down the shitter and he couldn’t wait to press it even further.

 

Midoriya kept track of when Iwai was leaving for Yokohama port. When it was time, Iwai took three guards, including one omnic, with him. Kino and Genji dressed themselves in diving suit. They got into a seemingly inconspicuous car. In reality it had a sport car’s engine and a hidden trunk. They took off one hour later after Iwai but knew what car he was in. Genji was pouty. Kino was the one who was going to capture Iwai. Genji was assigned to sabotage the ship.

 

Yokohama port was divided into two parts. One was on the mainland, full of cisterns. The other was an artificial island made of concrete where containers were placed. There was one bridge connecting the two. The ship in question was by the island. Kino parked a good bit from the port. He and Genji took on their diving gear and sneaked their way in. It may have been late in the night but it was full of workers. Bright spotlights covered the area. Genji and Kino took advantage of the blindspots behind the cisterns and buildings. They managed to get to the water and dived right in. It was cold and dark. Genji’s stomach flipped as he looked down the ocean. They had headlights but it did not show a lot. It was their GPS that made sure they swam in the right direction. It was a long and scary swim. The cold slowly took over their bodies. The bottom of a ship showed itself. It felt like a beast. Genji saw himself getting caught by the rotors and shredded. He got lightheaded. A wave of relief washed over him when he finally touched the concrete wall of the island. He quickly climbed up and pulled off his diving mask. The air rushing into his lungs felt fantastic.

 

¨Let’s go,¨ said Kino.

 

¨Yes.¨

 

They went on their separate ways. Genji’s target was a large container ship. Midoriya had managed to find out which container the weaponry was in. It didn’t make things a lot easier though. There was around thirty containers and all Genji had was a letter coupled with some numbers. To make matters worse, he had to dive into the water once more. He found a steel ladder on the side of the ship. He climbed up but had to stop. He heard voices coming from where he was supposed get on. An unexciting minute went by until they left and he got up. What followed was thirty minutes of searching that bored Genji out of his mind. He finally found a red container tucked in beneath two others. Knowing the position of it, Genji continued on to create a distraction. He climbed up one of the loading cranes on the ship. It was unoccupied. He inserted a key into the ignition. Utilizing the hard-light in it, it formed a perfect fit for the lock. Genji turned it and the crane went active. He kicked one of the levers and quickly descended. The crane started to turn as fast as it managed and worried voices called out immediately. Genji returned to the container. With all the sound around him, the noise of opening the container was drowned out. It was heavy but his mechanical arm handled it well. Inside were fifteen closed metal crates. In each one of them Genji planted a cube of concentrated chemicals. He dropped a few drops of water on them and closed the crates. The chemicals reacting with water would result in an acidic gas, ruining the weaponry. The cubes would dissolve, leaving no trace. Happy with his work, Genji headed back to the car.

 

Captain Kino wore dry clothes as he leaned by the car. His hair was wet.

 

¨Report,¨ he said.

 

¨Success,¨ Genji replied, ¨you?¨

 

Kino got a smug grin. 

 

¨Asleep in the hidden trunk. You have no idea how excited I am.¨

 

¨I think I do.¨

 

They smiled proudly and got into the car.

 

Half-way on their drive back, they started hearing muffled screaming and banging within the hidden trunk. Genji and Kino looked at each other and burst out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, just wait til next chapter. Wooo baby, you better prepare.
> 
> *An alternate term for yakuza used by the police
> 
> Btw Yokohama port legit exists. It's the closest one to Mt Fuji, which is where Hanamura is located.


	12. Family Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning!  
> Graphic Descriptions of Torture

Iwai was kept in one of the rooms underground. Genji, Midoriya and Issei watched on the big screen how Kino and Oshiro in masks strapped him to a table. Genji was disappointed that he wasn’t one of the interrogators. Iwai didn't struggle and he let Kino cover his face with a cloth. He was smart. He knew that he was helpless and the best he could hope for was a swift death. Even if he bit off his tongue they'd use biotic technology to heal him.

 

¨Are you Iwai Motoki,¨ asked Oshiro.

 

She stood above him. On the other side was Kino ready with a hose. Iwai didn’t answer. Thus began the rounds. Oshiro would ask questions and Kino would mercilessly waterboard Iwai. Genji sloped back on a chair. They had expected this but Genji had no interest in waiting. Mere torture was not going to work and the information would be unreliable. Genji started to dig in his memory. He thought about Iwai’s daughter, Haru. He had slept with her once. She was nice enough; pretty and cute. She was a bit too stern for his taste though.

 

 _Would I care if she screamed out of pain?_    

 

Oshiro and Kino came out from the interrogation room. Issei gave them each a cup of coffee. They didn’t seem phased by the fact that they’ve been torturing a man.

 

¨Commander,¨ said Genji.

 

¨Yes?”

 

¨I have something we can use.¨

 

¨Tell me.¨ 

 

—

 

Genji felt giddy when he was allowed in the room. Iwai looked like a corpse covered with the cloth, but he was breathing. Genji smiled wide when Oshiro gave him the go-sign.

 

¨Iwai-san, tell me how Haru is doing.¨ Genji went straight to the point. 

 

He didn’t answer.

 

¨You know, she's very pretty. If she wasn’t so serious a lot of people would be all over her. I got to see a more playful side of her.¨

 

Genji took away the cloth. Iwai’s glare could curse a man. Genji chuckled.

 

¨She’s quiet but if you manage to hit the right spot she’ll sing for you.¨

 

¨What are you hoping to achieve with these lies?¨ Iwai tried his best to not seem affected.

 

¨I'm not lying. Did you know; on Haru’s lower back there's a cute little birthmark.¨

 

Iwai’s eyes finally widened.

 

¨If you don’t remember, I can bring it here. Just the birthmark.¨

 

¨You won’t get past security-¨

 

¨She studies economics if I remember correctly and she likes to hang out at Tsuki Karaoke. Her friend’s house is downtown, right?¨

 

Iwai was starting to let fear show.

 

¨You see, Iwai-san, I know everything about little Haru. Even how her mouth feels.¨

 

Iwai tugged at his bonds. He shook his entire body trying to get free.

 

¨Just you try, scrap heap! My men will melt you down!¨

 

¨You mean Garou and the others? I’ll slice their throats before they can even see me.¨

 

Iwai’s face colored with despair. Genji gave him time to respond. Oshiro wasn't as inclined to wait.

 

“Captain, take the omnic to Hanamura tonight.”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

Iwai pulled again at his restraints. Genji grimaced at being called an omnic but accepted the necessity.

 

“That you know the names of my men means nothing! We’ll get you!”

 

“Iwai-san, how do you think we managed to bug your apartment and Shimada Castle,” said Oshiro.

 

Iwai resigned with a hopeless sigh. He closed his eyes and began to think. Genji didn't want Iwai to regain his sense of honor.

 

“Captain, let's go,” said Genji.

 

“Yes.”

 

The two started to leave. Genji looked back at Iwai’s pained expression. Genji slowed his pace a little, hoping Iwai would crack. He didn't. Genji was filled with dread for the task he was going to do.

 

—

 

_This is necessary._

 

Haru struggled against Genji’s grip. After cuffing her hands, he stuffed a cloth in her screaming mouth. He pressed her down on her stomach, holding his weight against her. 

 

_I have to do this._

 

She choked as she tried to shriek. She kicked her legs in vain. Genji lifted up her shirt, revealing the birthmark. Her sounds became more desperate. Genji brought forth his wakizashi and swiftly cut the birthmark off. Haru cried in pain. Genji refused to look at her face. He put the piece of skin in a small plastic bag.

 

_She'll get over this._

 

He took away the cuffs.

 

“Move and you're dead.”

 

Haru stayed on her stomach, shaking in fear. And like that, Genji left her.

 

—

 

Genji and the team gathered in the underground to discuss their next move. Iwai had been in isolation for 24 hours. The mental exhaustion that caused would surely help. They had gagged him in case he tried to bite his tongue off. Oshiro studied the piece of Haru’s skin in the plastic.

 

“I wonder if this will be enough,” she said.

 

“Maybe we should just bring her head,” Issei suggested.

 

“She hasn't broken any law that warrants a death sentence so I'd like to avoid that,” said Oshiro.

 

“We’ll present it to him and proceed from there,” said Genji.

 

“You know,” Midoriya started in a low voice, “we… could just feed it to him.”

 

Everyone turned to her, promptly disturbed. Genji knew that personally he would crack if he was forced to eat a piece of McCree.

 

“Let's try it,” said Oshiro, “Doctor Issei, bring us a pair of tongs.”

 

Genji felt his ill will falter. He didn’t want to witness it but there was no way he could back out of it. He, Oshiro and Kino entered the interrogation room with masks on. They turned on the lights. Iwai’s eyes flickered and he grimaced in pain. He was pale. Kino walked up to him with the plastic bag. He brought it up to Iwai’s eyes, the birthmark staring him right in his face. Kino pulled away the cloth in his mouth. Iwai was full of guilt. Then he let rage take over, but he didn't say anything.

 

“I know that you believe that your family should serve the Shimada’s, even if it should cause you death,” said Kino, “but poor Haru has nothing to do with the business really. And you made her suffer like this. Trauma that will follow her for life, a scar that won't let her forget.”

 

Genji’s stomach twisted itself.

 

“Now if you don't tell us what we want to know, you will take responsibility for her fear and swallow it.”

 

Iwai looked confused at Kino, then his eyes widened in fear. A meek “no” escaped his lips.

 

“Omnic,” said Oshiro and gestured Genji to walk to Iwai.

 

Genji forced his legs forward despite them being desperate to run. He grabbed Iwai’s forehead with one hand and Iwai’s jaw with the other. 

 

“No,” Iwai screamed.

 

Kino opened the bag and pulled out the skin with the tongs.

 

“Open wide.”

 

“Stop-“

 

Genji bit back his hesitation and disgust as he forced Iwai’s mouth open. Iwai struggled violently but it was in vain. Genji’s stomach was churning and he was sure he was going to throw up. As the skin neared Iwai's mouth, he screamed.

 

“Oyabun* is missing! Hanzo-sama is missing!”

 

Genji let go and Kino withdrew the skin.

 

“Continue,” Oshiro ordered.

 

Iwai was panting and sweating.

 

“I don't know what happened to him. I just walked into a meeting one day and Shimada Yusuke sat in his place and acted as Oyabun. I didn't question it. I think the only ones who know where he is is Shizuo-sama and Okusama*.”

 

Iwai’s head had slumped in defeat. His voice was hoarse. It was weird seeing him like that.  Genji didn't know if he was more relieved or satisfied. He decided to forget about the forced cannibalism and focus on the information.

 

“Where are the Shimadas,” Genji asked.

 

Iwai didn't answer. He wallowed in self pity. Genji pulled Iwai’s hair back.

 

“Captain.” Kino brought up the skin again. Genji knew that that simple gesture would force everything . 

 

“Minobu Gorge,” Iwai called out, ¨under a false name.¨

 

“What-“

 

“Be quiet, omnic,” ordered Oshiro.

 

Genji resigned with frustration.

 

“What name are they using?¨ Oshiro finished Genji’s question.

 

“Himura.”

 

“Why move away?”

 

“No one can spy on them there. Other clans know how the Shimadas work within Hanamura. If they see that Oyabun is gone they'll try something.”

 

“Why kill so many people?”

 

“To get rid of anyone that could spill that Oyabun is gone.” 

 

Genji listened intently. It was all so convoluted. For what reason would Hanzo disappear? Did they know that Blackwatch had taken him? Were Hanzo and the others protecting themselves from Blackwatch?

 

The interrogation ended. Midoriya had already begun searching the registers in Minobu Gorge. Mrs Kurusu called them all up for dinner. 

 

“Kurusu-san, bring out sake,” said Oshiro, “we need to celebrate a little.” Genji had never seen her so smug and happy.

 

Genji was still not allowed to eat by himself. He had gotten somewhat used to it but he hated it nonetheless.

 

“Captain Kino and Midoriya, you will go to Minobu Gorge and search for the ‘Himuras’”, said Oshiro, “Agent Shimada, we’ll send you there when we've narrowed the houses down.”

 

“Understood,” the three said in unison.

 

“You look excited, Agent Shimada,” Dr Issei remarked.

 

Genji’s cheerful expression quickly regressed to disgruntlement.

 

“I… just like that we’re making progress,” he said.

 

Absolutely no one even pretended they didn't know that Genji longed for the death of his family. Genji also longed for the end of the dinner so he could escape the awkwardness. He cursed Dr Issei.

 

The morning after, Iwai had bashed his head against the wall. His skull had cracked and he bleed to death.

 

—

 

It took one week. A quick but at the same time impatient wait. They had only found Shizuo, his wife I-Shang and their daughter, Makoto. Yusuke and Genji’s mother, Akira, was nowhere to be found. It was a great advancement. They lived in a house near a shrine. Genji was going to capture Shizuo. Midoriya had followed I-Shang and Makoto around. One night she found out that they would stay over at a friend’s house. A perfect opportunity. Everything was in order. Genji could feel the excitement all the way to his finger tips and toes. The ride to Minobu Gorge forced him to think about what he was going to do. Some feeling had taken him, but he couldn’t discern it. It was weird, surreal, excitement and something he refused to admit to himself. He had decided that he was not going to give Shizuo to Oshiro. It was Genji’s right to interrogate and kill him. Kino stopped the car outside of the town. Genji sneaked his way in. The closer he got, the more the anticipation grew. It was a mighty feeling, to finally meet his family again. He smirked as he thought of the power he held. He turned off his comms to avoid Kino’s interference.

 

Genji reached the house. The windows on the first floor were lit so he climbed to the second one. He looked inside a dark window. A bed, a dresser and a desk with a computer. Posters of anime shows, dvd’s on a shelf, some stuffed animals and a dress thrown on the floor. Genji’s eyes blurred and he had to look away. Makoto loved her father. He was going to take that away from her. He threw the empathy aside. Blackwatch was going to do it either way. It would be better if it was by Genji’s hand. He crept in and as the scent hit him nostalgia made him dizzy. Genji cursed himself. If every little thing was going to distraught him with emotion he wasn’t going to get anything done. He opened the door carefully and peeked. It was dark and the only light was from the stairs. He snuck down and reached a wall. 

 

As he brought his head to look around the corner, a bullet hit his helmet. He was knocked back, and his forehead began to hurt. He brandished shurikens and jumped back behind the wall. He had seen a table, a couch, chairs, and a TV. His uncle was definitely behind one of them. Genji dashed straight forward and launched the shurikens. They went just above the couch but didn’t hit anything. Genji readied his wakizashi as he waited for Shizuo’s move. For a second everything was still, even the air. Every cell of Genji’s body was ready to move. A small black object flew from behind the couch. It landed near Genji and he backed up. He felt a string of electricity course through him for half a second. After that, nothing. An EMP; fortunately he wasn’t an omnic. Genji jumped to the couch and landed on top of it. He looked down and saw Shizuo. Shizuo fired his gun but Genji dodged the bullet. Genji pulled the gun out of Shizuo’s hands and threw it to the side. Before Shizuo could move, Genji kicked him in the head and knocked him back. Genji jumped on him and turned him around. Genji forced Shizuo’s arms high up his back and cuffed him. He grabbed Shizuo by his collar, dragged him around and threw him on the couch. Shizuo grunted. He glared at Genji and showed no fear.

 

¨What do you want, omnic,¨ he spat.

 

Genji didn’t answer. He grabbed Shizuo’s legs and cuffed them as well.

 

¨Aren’t you smart.¨

 

Genji punched Shizuo in the mouth. He moaned in pain and spit. Blood and pieces of teeth flew to the floor. Genji held his wakizashi against Shizuo’s throat.

 

¨Where’s Hanzo?¨ 

 

Genji felt like another man. He was intimidating, ruthless and eager to hurt. Shizuo snorted. 

 

¨I can’t answer that,¨ said Shizuo.

 

Genji stabbed Shizuo’s cheek. Shizuo hissed.

 

¨Try again.¨

 

Shizuo pulled out of it.

 

¨I can’t.¨

 

¨Let me help you.¨

 

Genji grabbed Shizuo’s arm and started to slowly cut into it. Shizuo grimaced. Genji looked at Shizuo’s face and decided he didn’t like his vulnerable state. He looked away and focused on the torture. He stopped when he reached a nerve. He cut away a piece of skin to leave it exposed. Then he pushed it. Shizuo jolted and choked back a shout.

 

¨Feel free to tell me anytime,¨ said Genji.

 

He pinched the nerve. Shizuo shook and screamed. As he tried to pull away the pain only increased. His face went pale and the scream got stuck in his throat. Genji released and Shizuo panted. There was sweat running down his forehead. Shizuo glared at Genji as he bit down on his tongue. Genji reacted immediately and grabbed on Shizuo’s hair. Genji brought out a biotic capsule and activated it by Shizuo’s mouth. The blood pooling in his mouth stopped. Shizuo’s eyes widened and he finally showed fear.

 

¨Shimada-san, we can do this for hours and hours but I understand you are a hardened man. May I ask; I-Shang and Makoto-chan, are they as used to pain as you are?¨

 

Genji was afraid for a second that the rage Shizuo showed would give him strength to break free. Then Shizuo resigned once again to fear. His expression was dark with hopelessness. He closed his eyes.

 

¨I honestly can’t answer where Hanzo is.¨ Genji reached for his nerve. ¨I don’t know where he is.¨

 

Genji snorted.

 

¨You expect me to believe that?¨

 

¨No, I don’t but it’s the truth.¨

 

Genji knew his uncle, thus he hated that he knew that Shizuo was telling the truth.

 

¨You’re telling me that the great Hanzo has been missing since the death of his brother Genji?¨

 

Shizuo still had his eyes closed. He nodded. The shame was eating away at him.

 

¨Why?¨ Genji felt the rage bubble up within him.

 

¨I suppose,¨ Shizuo hesitated, ¨Ninjo* won.

 

¨You mean that Genji’s death was in vain?¨ Genji tried not to raise his voice.

 

¨No, it was still the right thing to do.¨

 

_Bullshit._

 

Genji’s chest started to hurt.

 

¨Where is Shimada Akira and Yusuke?¨ It was dangerous for him to linger on Hanzo.

 

Shizuo didn’t answer.

 

¨Where,¨ Genji screamed and stabbed Shizuo’s thigh. He cried out in pain. ¨Every ounce of pain will be ten-fold for your family!¨

 

¨Please don’t hurt them!¨

 

Genji’s uncle was a proud man. He had never seen him cry until now. Tears of fear for his family. Genji was amazed with himself. He had no idea he had the power to turn someone into that. He had to continue the interrogation, yet a painful hole appeared in his stomach. He pulled his wakizashi from Shizuo’s thight. As Genji tried to demand the whereabouts of his mother and cousin, his words got stuck in his throat. What would he do to them? Subject them to the same torture? What was he even getting emotional for? He hated them. He had dreamed of killing his own mother. Why stop now?

 

¨Where are they? Answer me now and they, I-Shang and Makoto, will live. The one we want is Hanzo.¨

 

Shizuo clenched his teeth. His family would be hurt some way or another. He could at least choose the least painful way.

 

¨In a house south from Minobu, but I promise you that they don’t know where Hanzo is either.¨

 

Genji didn’t answer. He didn’t believe that claim. Hanzo loved Akira. He would do anything to make her proud. Genji would find out the truth. He would find Hanzo and make him beg for forgiveness and death. He was one step closer and he would now achieve part of his vengeance.

 

¨One last question,¨ said Genji. Shizuo looked up, afraid of what more Genji had in store. Genji reached for his faceplate. ¨Do you believe in Onryo**, uncle?¨ He took it off. 

 

Shizuo’s eyes widened. He had truly seen a ghost. He didn’t say anything. Genji could get drunk on that expression.

 

A distant click, and a door opened.

 

¨-what I mean is that the anime industry won’t be able to go on if they keep over-working their animators,¨ a young girl was rambling.

 

¨I understand but keep it down, dad is probably sleeping,¨ said an older woman in a hushed tone.

 

Shizuo emitted the beginning of a word before Genji’s wakizashi pierced his throat. Revolting sounds forced their way through Shizuo’s mouth. Blood poured from his mouth and nose. Genji cut to the side, slicing the artery. Blood squirted on Genji. Shizuo’s eyes locked on something behind Genji. He opened his mouth wider, desperately trying to scream. Genji looked back and saw his aunt, I-Shang, with no color in her face. 

 

¨Mom, what is it?¨ It was the cautious voice of Genji’s younger cousin, Makoto.

 

I-Shang turned to run.

 

¨Makoto, run,¨ she screamed.

 

Genji dashed towards I-Shang. She stumbled back at the wall as he came right in front of her. He pierced her chest. Coughing up blood she wrapped her arms around Genji, trying to hold him in place. He cast her off and turned around. Makoto had grown. She was taller, had cut her hair and her face wasn’t as round anymore. She had wide eyes, skin white as a ghost and was frozen in place. Genji felt hands grabbing his ankles.

 

¨Run,¨ I-Shang coughed up blood.

 

Makoto ran out. Genji kicked I-Shang off and pierced her head. Her hands went limp. Her eyes were wide-open as blood poured down her face. Genji stared at the blade imbedded in her. It’s red edge started to blur. 

 

_What just happened? Am I supposed to go after her?_

 

As Genji tried to move, he felt the weight of I-Shang’s skull stopping him. He looked to the side and saw Shizuo’s bloodied corpse on the couch, mouth agape and deep red eyes. Genji looked back and forth between the bodies. 

 

_Mako-chan saw this._

 

Genji hunched over. Vomit rushed from his stomach out on the floor.

 

_What the hell? What the hell did I do?_

 

He needed to get out of there. He sheathed his sword and climbed out the same window he came in. He didn’t let his eyes wander, he kept facing straight forward. He couldn’t hear anything except his heart beating. His thoughts were a jumble with the static image of I-Shang’s corpse. He felt confused to the point he couldn’t walk properly. He went stiff as an electric shock burst out from his neck. His mouth opened but he couldn’t scream in pain. As the electricity disappeared he collapsed. It burned and singed.

 

¨Don’t move!¨

 

Genji looked up and saw Kino pointing a gun at him. Genji didn’t understand what was happening. Kino grabbed his arms and cuffed them. They sneaked back to the car where Kino kicked Genji into the backseat.

 

¨Damn blood-thirsty cyborg,¨ Kino muttered under his breath.

 

Genji didn’t move an inch the whole car ride back. It was all a blur.

 

_—_

 

“Holy crap, she's cute.”

 

“I know, right.”

 

“She’s way cuter than Genji was.”

 

“I bet you're going to be a better brother than Aniki is, Yusuke.”

 

“I bet Makoto is going to be way more supportive than Genji.”

 

“I bet-“

 

“Can you two just let me admire my little sister in peace?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“By the way you don't have to say that we’re going to be better than you two, I already know we will.”

 

**—**

 

“Ugh, this tea is so bitter.”

 

“I know but stomach it.”

 

“Yusuke, you look like you're going to vomit.”

 

“Look, man, I'm trying.”

 

“What will become of you two idiots if you can't even drink green tea?”

 

“Sorry, father.”

 

“Sorry, uncle.”

 

“Now we need to talk about your roles in the clan.”

 

“Uuuuuuugh.”

 

“Shut up, Genji.”

 

“You can't say that to a member of the main family, Yusuke.”

 

“Haha! Yeah, you can't! You gotta treat me with respect!”

 

“Just like Yusuke, you, Genji have to show respect to Hanzo. You both function as pillars for him. Genji, put your trust in him, but guide him so he doesn't stray from his path. Yusuke, do the same for both Hanzo and Genji. Show unwavering loyalty and never falter.”

 

“Understood, father.”

 

“… yeah, understood.”

 

—

 

¨Auntie, what does Yusuke and Mako-chan want for Christmas?”

 

“Oh, you're planning to give them presents? How kind of you!”

 

“Well, yeah.”

 

“Mako-chan loves hair ornaments. She will love anything that has to do with animals. Yusuke has been interested in this new fantasy book called “Elder’s blood.”

 

“Thanks!”

 

“Genji, I must say, if you remain this kind, you will be a great asset to this family. This business is harsh so familial love is important.”

 

“Hehe, thanks.”

 

“Aw, you're so cute when you're blushing!”

 

—

 

It wasn’t until when Genji bowed before Oshiro that he understood what he had done. Screams were tickling his throat but he couldn’t move an inch. Oshiro stood before him without making a sound. Genji heard his uncle’s dying breath and his aunt’s screams over and over again.

 

¨Tell me what happened,¨ Oshiro raised her voice.

 

Genji hadn’t heard her the first time. He was still a bit dizzy, but her speaking cemented him in reality. He had nothing to say to her.

 

¨Can you hear me in that tin head of yours?!¨ Oshiro hit Genji’s head with the handle of a gun. 

 

¨Yes.¨

 

¨Then why aren’t you answering me?¨

 

¨You know what happened.¨

 

Oshiro hit him harder.

 

¨Was that what I asked?¨

 

Genji couldn’t bring himself to say what he had done.

 

¨Captain Kino said that he saw Shimada Makoto run out of the house.¨

 

The name made Genji feel sick.

 

¨Do you understand what that means?¨

 

Genji could still not answer. He heard Oshiro grab something and a familiar electricity took his body. He fell to the floor and panted. Genji felt twitches all over his nerves. Oshiro said something but Genji couldn’t register it.

 

¨Dogeza!¨ She repeated herself.

 

Oshiro’s boot pressed Genji’s head to the floor. He complied and shifted his body accordingly. His arms were close to collapsing as the electricity refused to leave him fully.

 

¨Because of your actions I now have to hunt down an innocent child. Do you think I find any joy in doing that? Do you-¨

 

Oshiro stopped and took a deep breath. She stepped backwards.

 

¨Tell me what happened and I will let you go to bed.¨

 

Genji didn’t respond. Oshiro grabbed him by his burning neck and pulled him up. She dragged him out of her office to the interrogation room. The room was full of dirt. 

 

¨Mrs Kurusu has been so kind to prepare this for you.¨ Oshiro took away Genji’s cuffs. ¨I want all this shit to be gone in the morning.¨ She cuffed Genji’s hands in front of him and left.

 

Genji looked at the cleaning equipment for a moment. He kicked them with full force. He threw off his face plate and covered his mouth as he screamed. He hunched over on the floor and screamed until his lungs had no air in them. He had created hell with his own hands.

 

¨If it wasn’t for them,¨ Genji forced himself to whisper, ¨Hanzo, Reyes, Ziegler, Hedberg, Oshiro… They killed aunt and uncle! It’s their fault Makoto’s life is ruined! Yes…¨ Genji fell on his back. ¨I’m just an omnic following their orders. They are manipulating me.¨ Genji covered his eyes as tears seeped through.

 

_I want to kill every single one of these bastards. Blackwatch, Yakuza, family or not. I just want them all to DIE._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The love and compassion of a human. Often comes in juxtaposition of giri, duty.  
> **A vengeful spirit


	13. Can you count all the guilty people?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meows are life-saving

Oshiro was surprised when she opened the door. Genji sat against a wall, in a completely clean room. He was sleeping. The face plate was lying on the ground next to him.

 

¨Agent Shimada.¨

 

His eyes flickered and the shoulders jumped. His hand instinctively went for the mask and it covered him in no time. He looked at her, saying nothing. She walked up to him, bent down and uncuffed his hands.

 

¨Go to bed.¨ She turned and left.

 

Genji listened to Oshiro's footsteps echoing. Slowly he pulled himself up and dragged his feet out of the room.

 

Mila greeted him when he walked out from the bunker. He bent down and she jumped onto his shoulder. The rising sun found its way through the curtains. Someone was in the kitchen making food. Genji grabbed a small potted plant. Midoriya came out from the bathroom. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Genji. He walked past her into the bathroom, paying no mind. Locking the door behind him, he broke a piece off the pot. He threw a shard into the bathtub. With sloppy movements he removed his armour, dragged off his prosthetic arm, and threw his helmet to the side. Mila jumped down and observed. Genji didn't spare her a glance. He started to fill the tub, turning the heat high. He sat down in the tub with his legs hanging over the edge. He detached his prosthetic legs and settled neatly into the tub, grabbing the shard. Steam rose quickly. Mila walked in circles, the heat making her uneasy. The water neared the edge, and spilled over. Genji took a deep breath and dipped his head in the scalding hot water. It was fortunate that his ears were preoccupied with rushing water, otherwise he would hear loud meowing. Blood started to seep through his hand where he held the shard.

 

_Eh, let's see... Lower abdomen, left-hand side. Drag it to the right, slowly._

 

Red swirls started to paint the water.

 

_Don't move a muscle. Twist it and drag it up._

 

Genji was in a compact universe. All that existed was water and his frail body, slowly dissolving. In that universe he was god, free to choose his fate. Truly a foolish and ill god; yet the worshipper prayed for him.

 

* * *

 

It was all just a blurry mess with muddled sounds. He didn't know who or what he was. Keeping the view open was a herculean task and so it got dark again.

 

Slowly his consciousness build up.

 

Genji heard the beeping and wanted to cry. He opened his eyes and into focus came the hospital room. He mustered strength to look around. All the standard machinery was there, with cords plugged into him. In a corner sat an omnic. It had Blackwatch's logo on its jacket and seemed to be some kind of guard. Genji could laugh at it. It was comedic how many times he had been thwarted.

 

¨I'll call the doctor,¨ said the omnic.

 

A curse are what those words were. It took a while until the door opened. Not only Ziegler walked in, but Hedberg as well.

 

¨Hi, Genji,¨ Ziegler said with a smile.

 

It sent chills down Genji's spine. He looked away and started to prepare himself.

 

¨You went into a coma after Doctor Issei stabilised you,¨ Ziegler explained, ¨you've been out for three days. They thought it would be best to bring you back here.¨

 

Genji mustered all the energy he could. Rage seared into him and he raised himself up with his one arm.

 

¨Why won't you let me die,¨ Genji screamed. His voice was hoarse and his throat hurt. Ziegler’s and Hedberg’s eyes widened. ¨I've done everything you've told me to do! I've killed my own family, you sick bastards.¨ The voice box was crackling. ¨Haven't you experimented on me enough?¨ Air escaped him the last few words and he started coughing.

 

¨Genji-.¨

 

Hedberg grabbed Ziegler's hand and stopped her from talking. Hedberg's expression was neutral, seemingly disconnected. Ziegler tried to hide it, but she was at a loss. From that hand touch they had decided together that they would be silent. They rubbed salt into Genji's wound.

 

¨Say something,¨ he said, ¨come on, talk!¨

 

They kept quiet, looking at Genji. Their eyes infuriated him. He gritted his teeth.

 

¨I'll kill you,¨ he said in a low, rumbling voice, ¨I'll cut you two open and drop your heads on Reyes' doorstep.¨

 

Ziegler and Hedberg were taken aback but it wasn't nearly enough. It was one of Genji's nightmares come true. To be so powerless that he couldn't even scare someone with the threat of death. He collapsed back on the bed and covered his eyes.

 

_Why is death too much to ask for?_

 

His thoughts circled around themselves. _I want to die. I want to kill them._ They repeated themselves in slight variations; nothing but hopeless prayers. He heard the door open and close. If the omnic guard hadn't been there he would've tried to kill himself one more time. He was exhausted; body, mind, and soul. In that moment he truly believed that no one else has had it worse than him.

 

* * *

 

Angela and Louise settled in Louise's office. They had been quiet during the walk there and remained so for a minute more. Angela blinked a couple of times, fighting the tears.

 

¨He'll get better,¨ Louise mumbled.

 

Angela looked at her as if she was stupid.

 

¨Did you see him,¨ said Angela, ¨we've tortured him. We can't repair that.¨

 

¨I meant psychiatrically,¨ said Louise, ¨all that talk of death is because of mental illness.¨

 

¨He murdered his aunt and uncle! Maybe that has something to do with it!¨

 

¨Yes, it does. Just like when you kick the crutches away from someone who's broken their legs.¨

 

¨Anyone would wish for death after that.¨

 

¨Ok yeah, I agree with you but then it's only temporary. Those feelings would only last for a day or two. We know with Genji that this is gonna last if we don't do anything.¨ Louise examined Angela for a moment. ¨Are you giving up?¨

 

¨No!¨ Angela raised her voice. ¨It's just that...¨ She sighed. ¨I'm getting him out of Blackwatch.¨

 

¨Agreed, but it's gonna to be hard.¨

 

¨We'll start with bringing him over to Overwatch. That brings him closer to the normal world.¨

 

¨Yeah, and we can make a case that he's served his sentence.¨

 

¨Let's start immediately.¨

 

¨But I won't let him go until a year's gone by. I need to be sure he's mentally sound.¨

 

¨Of course.¨

 

The two physicians spent hours planning Genji's release from Blackwatch. They examined Genji's performance in missions, the consequences of his work in Japan and the research he's helped to provide. They were determined to atone for their sins.

 

When night came, Angela left. Louise yawned and rested against her desk. Slowly, as she pondered on the possibility of their success, sleep took her. Careful knocks made her wake up with a jump and a small shout. She rubbed her eyes and pulled out her hair tie to redo it.

 

¨Who is it?¨ She wasn't excited to talk to anyone.

 

¨It's me,¨ said Gabriel.

 

¨Come in.¨ Gabriel was an exception.

 

He looked normal, not showing a hint of exhaustion from being awake for 20 hours. He grabbed the chair Angela had been in and sat down. He placed his elbow on the desk and leaned his chin on his knuckles. Like that he looked at Louise, not initiating anything. The gaze quickly made Louise uncomfortable and she turned away.

 

¨What is it,¨ she asked.

 

¨I wanted to know how you're doing,¨ Gabriel answered.

 

¨Good.¨ Louise turned back. ¨Are you taking your meds?¨

 

¨Yes, I am,¨ Gabriel said with a proud smile.

 

¨Good.¨

 

Silence returned.

 

¨How was your visit with Genji,¨ asked Gabriel.

 

Louise tightened her lips and looked away as if there was some other conversational topic floating around.

 

¨Just tell me.¨

 

¨Ok.¨ Louise gave in. ¨He asked for death, called me and Angela sick bastards, and that he'll kill us.¨ She was beyond frustrated. ¨So it went great.¨

 

¨Nothing new then?¨

 

¨No, just that he has regressed severely.¨

 

¨There's no such thing as square one,¨ said Gabriel, ¨you taught me that.¨

 

¨Yeah, well there is such a thing as relapse.¨ Louise's tone of voice started to get heated. ¨What there shouldn't be is a relapse caused by the friggin psychiatrist.¨

 

¨It's not your fault-¨

 

¨Yes, it is,¨ Louise shouted, ¨Say that to Angela, she’s actually innocent this time.¨

 

¨It's my responsibility,¨ said Gabriel.

 

¨Oh boy, I wish it was,¨ said Louise, ¨I wish I could blame all of this on you but the fact remains that I signed the form that said he was stable enough to go to Japan.¨ Her voice cracked. ¨All in the name of necessity.¨ Tears pushed forth. She tried to hide them, for naught.

 

¨It was necessary,¨ Gabriel continued.

 

¨No! There had to be another way, there's always another way!¨ Louise took a deep breath and lowered her voice. ¨I drove him to suicide. Please don't try to convince me otherwise.¨

 

Louise covered her face with her hands. Gabriel didn't say anything. All that broke the silence was Louise's sniveling. It slowly died down but despair had a full grasp on both of them.

 

¨Have you finished crying now?¨ Louise looked at him, surprised at his harsh tone. ¨This is what was expected of you when you joined Blackwatch. Pick yourself up and do your job.¨ Louise wanted to cry again but managed not to. ¨You healed him once, just do it again. What-ifs won't help you.¨

 

Louise released her held breath. She wanted so badly to punch Gabriel. She wiped away her tears and stood up.

 

¨Yeah,¨ she mumbled, ¨thanks. I'm going to bed.¨

 

Gabriel followed her out. What was one man's mental health compared to the safety of many, Gabriel thought. Still, he felt guilty. Not that he wasn't used to the feeling, he just wasn't used to feeling it towards Louise.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks of anxiety-filled days and restless nights had gone by. Genji had come to the point where he was ashamed. All of the team in Japan had seen him bloody and naked, he had threatened to kill his doctors once again and now he was lying in bed with nothing but an upper body, two thighs and an arm. They weren't going to give him his body back until they were sure he wouldn't hurt anyone. Initially he didn't want to take his psychiatric medicine but they would just inject it if he didn't swallow them. He hated to admit it, but he wasn't as keen on dying as he had been. He still thought he deserved it, but he wasn't tempted to try it again. Fortunately McCree didn't know that he was back but he longed for company. Even with Louise and Angela trying to make small talk, he felt alone. His only comfort was Mila. Hearing her purr, feeling her fur, watching her eat, playing with her; it was the best. He adored her. Every day he apologised to her for having made her see him like that.

 

After having finished his breakfast, the door opened and in walked Commander Reyes. Genji, by instinct, straightened up and saluted. Behind that exterior was no respect, only hatred and fear. His heart started to race, flirting with the idea of panic.

 

¨Good morning, Commander,¨ said Genji.

 

¨At ease,¨ said Reyes and grabbed a seat.

 

Genji relaxed his posture while he was screaming inside.

 

¨I thought you'd like to know what happened to Akira, Yusuke and Makoto,¨ said Reyes.

 

¨Yes, I do,¨ said Genji, immediately regretting what he said.

 

¨Your mother passed away.¨ Genji's heart stopped. Reyes handed him a holograph. Barely present in reality, Genji took it. It was a medical journal. Cause of death was her heart weakened by stress. Genji scrolled down and jerked his hand back, dropping the holograph. It was a picture of his dead mother. It felt indecent to see her like that. Genji felt impure, he wasn't worthy to gaze upon her corpse. Why was he reacting so strongly? He wanted her dead. He'd fantasised about it. Even so, his heart was heavy and mind dizzy.

 

¨Genji,¨ Reyes snapped his fingers in front of Genji.

 

Genji was pulled back into reality. Reyes showed no sympathy, this was merely business for him.

 

¨Captain Kino got to Yusuke but he shot himself before Kino could apprehend him.¨

 

Genji's head hurt, it was too much.

 

¨Makoto...¨ Saying her name was a difficult task.

 

¨We don't know where she is,¨ said Reyes. Genji finally dared to breathe properly. ¨No trace whatsoever. Someone must've taken her under their wing.¨

 

Genji wanted to cry out of relief. He rested his head in his hand and sighed.

 

¨What are you going to do now,¨ asked Reyes.

¨I don't know.¨ Genji was too tired to lie.

 

¨You have two choices,¨ said Reyes, ¨wallow in self-pity in the hospital and become Ziegler's guinea pig or work for me.¨

 

Genji took a moment to answer. The choice was the lesser of two evils.

 

¨I'll work for you.¨ He faced Reyes. ¨I'm not good for anything else. You're the only one who can make use out of me.¨

 

Reyes smiled.

 

¨Good. Pick yourself up. There's not one agent here who hasn't done messed up stuff.¨ Reyes leaned forward. ¨If you work and keep moving forward, the guilt won't swallow you. I'll make sure you can live with it.¨

 

Genji didn't know what to think of Reyes. The words were manipulation but Genji happily gobbled them up.

 

¨Thank you, Commander.¨ He bowed his head.

 

¨I’ll talk to Hedberg,¨ said Reyes, ¨don't worry. We'll make it look like you've come home from a successful mission.¨

 

¨Thank you.¨ That was worth gold.

 

Reyes was right. If Genji could get into a routine, his family wouldn't haunt him. He only had to work so much that he forgot about them. Letting him be controlled by Reyes would make that easy.

 

* * *

 

It took another week until Hedberg gave Genji the go sign. It felt amazing to be whole again. He was surprised at his own excitement when they attached the prosthetic limbs. Like he had months ago, he was walking with Reyes along the corridor that lead to the sleeping quarters. This time Genji had butterflies in his stomach. Would McCree be pissed that he hadn't answered his calls? Would McCree be happy that he's back? Genji felt like he was the protagonist of a shoujo manga.

 

Reyes opened the door. The familiar shuffling of feet could be heard and immediately the team was in position. Genji caught McCree's eye. McCree smiled and winked. Genji got weak in the knees.

 

¨Good morning, Commander Reyes,¨ the team chorused, giving Genji deja vu.

 

¨Good morning,¨ said Reyes, his voice full of authority, ¨today you have your playmate back. After morning training you'll be filling out papers. In the afternoon you'll have a mission briefing. Now go stuff your faces.¨

 

Reyes gave Genji a pat on the shoulder when he left. The whole return felt underwhelming.

 

¨Mila,¨ Monson whispered and walked up to Genji.

 

She bent down and gave Mila cat treat. Mila happily accepted it.

 

¨How long have you had that,¨ asked Genji.

 

¨A few days,¨ said Monson, ¨I've missed you so much, honey.¨ Monson scratched Mila behind the ear.

 

Genji was relieved that she was more interested in Mila than him.

 

¨Hello, my man.¨ Tuisko high-fived Genji. ¨How was Japan?¨

 

Of course someone would ask that.

 

¨Familiar,¨ Genji said, deadpanned.

 

Jacques elbowed Tuisko in the side. He gasped and glared at her.

 

¨I'm happy you're back,¨ she smiled.

 

At least someone had basic decency.

 

¨The base is much more fun when you're here,¨ said McCree, giving Genji's butterflies a boost.

 

¨Thanks.¨ It was a miracle that he didn't stutter.

 

¨Come on guys, we're wasting time,¨ said Chepkemei and went for the door.

 

¨Yeah, yeah,¨ they all grumbled.

 

¨Genji, can I carry her,¨ asked Monson, gently holding Mila's paw.

 

¨If she let's you, sure,¨ said Genji.

 

Monson got a big grin. She opened her arms and Mila jumped right in. She gave a small squee.

 

On their way to the food court, McCree took a step closer to Genji.

 

¨Really I mean it,¨ he whispered, ¨it's great having you back.¨

 

¨It's great to be back,¨ Genji smiled.

 

Reyes had been right, routine made Genji neatly distracted. Almost every moment was filled with jokes, banter and work. The sound of his own laughter had become foreign to him. Hearing it coupled with everyone else's was welcomed. As soon as the team entered the briefing room they all put on their serious faces. They sat down around the oval table with Reyes by the screen. The upcoming mission was the complete crackdown of a terrorist camp. An exciting and easy mission.

 

Genji still showered alone. It was a dangerous pastime that invited thoughts. He placed Mila right in front of the shower, he would not torture her with water, and kept his eyes on her. He focused on the memories he had with her and threw away anything else that dared to appear. Lying down in bed was a whole other challenge, and one that he lost. It was all clutter, small images that made him short of breath. As the meds forced him to fall asleep, they only brought him to a worse place.

 

The whole family was gathered around the dinner table, or were they at a hanami? Maybe it was a hot spring? Either way they were all there; Mother, Father, Hanzo, Uncle, Aunt, Makoto, Yusuke. They laughed and joked, splashed water, gathered petals and ate hot pot. Genji stared terrified at them.

 

¨Un-uncle,¨ he stammered, ¨blood will get on your rice.¨

 

¨Hm?¨ Shizuo looked at Genji, his skin color pouring out with the blood from his throat.

 

Genji's stomach flipped.

 

¨What are you talking about,¨ Akira asked, skinny and pale. She had more wrinkles that he remember.

 

Genji tried to speak but he felt vomit reaching up. He covered his mouth and managed to swallow, leaving an unspeakable taste.

 

¨Mako-chan, you look so cute in your kimono,¨ I-Shang gushed.

 

¨Thank you,¨ Makoto giggled, hugging I-Shang from behind.

 

Part of I-Shang's skull was missing. Makoto nuzzled in I-Shang’s hair but no blood got on her.

 

Genji looked at Hanzo and Yusuke. They were talking but Genji couldn’t understand a thing they were saying. Yusuke was fiddling with a gun.

 

“Yusuke, give me the gun,” said Genji.

 

“What,” Yusuke said confused, “I don’t have a gun.”

 

“Yes, you do, you’re holding it!”

 

“I don’t have a-“

 

“Give me the gun,” Genji screamed. He tried to leap forward and take it but not a muscle moved.

 

“You’re so weird,” said Hanzo.

 

Genji felt like he was burning. He wanted to cry out in pain. Instead he managed to jump Hanzo, getting the gun in his hand and fired. Again and again; shockwaves went through his arms. The flame within Genji only grew more agonising. Despite the numerous shots, there were no wounds, not even a scratch on Hanzo. Genji screamed and woke up in cold sweat.

 

* * *

 

McCree liked to believe that it was fate that woke him up. He looked over to see Genji gone from his bed. Without a thought McCree got up and went for the one place Genji would've gone.

 

He carefully opened the door to the storage room. Someone gasped and grabbed something metal. It was Genji, swiftly putting his mask back on. Mila was sitting like a loaf on his lap.

 

¨What... What are you doing here,¨ said Genji.

 

¨Noticed you were gone,¨ said McCree, ¨just wanted to make sure you're okay.¨

 

Genji scoffed.

 

¨I'm not weak.¨ He embraced Mila and looked away.

 

McCree sat down on the crate next to him and turned his back to Genji.

 

¨I was worried,¨ McCree said in a low voice, ¨After a week of not reaching you I guessed something was up.¨

 

¨Don't bother,¨ Genji said through gritted teeth.

 

¨Can I at least sit here with you,¨ McCree asked.

 

¨I guess,¨ Genji answered reluctantly.

 

McCree leaned against Genji. Genji was stiff and quiet as a rock. McCree had never been able to help people. Everyone already had someone. He wanted to see what it felt like to be needed. Maybe he was forcing it. Then he heard an almost soundless snivel. Genji shifted so they were resting back to back. McCree grabbed Genji's left hand. He felt Genji tensing up, only to relax a moment later.

 

¨Take the mask off,¨ McCree whispered, ¨it's gotta be uncomfortable with it.¨

 

Seconds went by until Genji reached for it. McCree heard the latches unhinge and the mask dropped on the floor. Genji let his sobs be heard and build up. He soon cried loud and earnestly. McCree squeezed his hand. Mila was meowing softly. Genji's back jumped with each gasp. McCree didn't know that someone’s crying could hurt so much. It was all so hopeless. What could possibly repair the damage. Still, amidst all the sorrow, McCree was overjoyed that he got to hold Genji's hand.

 

The minutes ticked by, time calming Genji down. They stayed quietly in place. Both were stunned at the emotion that had been shared. Finally, Genji shifted a bit.

 

¨Thank you.¨ He wiped his eyes and put on the mask again.

 

¨Of course,¨ McCree replied.

 

Genji walked up to the door, holding Mila close to his chest. He didn't turn to face McCree but it was understandable. Vulnerability did that to one.

 

* * *

 

When the team reached the hangar, Genji had a bit of a tickle in his chest. He ignored it. On the plane his stomach seemed to start twisting. The flight overshadowed it, fortunately. The whole team spent a good part of the trip talking about Tuisko's crush. It was an agent from another squad. A lot of jabs, a lot of encouragement and, to everyone's surprise, Genji offered valid advice. With a half hour from the destination, they took their seats and reviewed the plan. Something bubbled up in Genji's chest again. It confused him but ignorance was a powerful tool.

 

They landed outside the woods where the camp was located. Tuisko stayed with the craft, ready to take off and to handle emergencies. The rest headed into the forest, following Chepkemei's lead. Genji noticed his breath quickening, and took a deep one. He cursed himself, beyond annoyed at the anxiety.

 

There was one big cabin, two smaller buildings, a shed and three jeeps. The team split up, McCree and Chepkemei, Jacques and Monson, and Genji by himself. Genji climbed up a tree and switched his visor to night vision.

 

¨Two in front of main and two by the shed,¨ Genji reported.

 

¨Everyone in position,¨ Chepkemei instructed.

 

¨Yes,¨ they all said in unison.

 

¨1... 2... 3... go!¨

 

There was no big bang or loud footsteps. Genji saw the two by the shed getting shanked by Jacques and Monson. The ones by the main cabin seemed to have heard some of the noises. As they looked in the direction of the shed, Chepkemei and McCree grabbed them from behind. Swiftly the guards' necks were snapped.

 

¨Everyone to their respective houses,¨ Chepkemei ordered.

 

Genji jumped down and moved towards one of the smaller ones. There was only one floor, supposedly just with three rooms. He looked through a window from the back. It was a bedroom with a total of 5 beds, all occupied. Genji could easily get through the front door. He moved up front and gently opened the door. Quiet as a ghost, he made his way to the bedroom door. As effortlessly as before, he got in without anyone noticing a thing. He went to the bed closest to him. In it slept a woman; mohawk, burly and snoring a bit. Genji went for it. He grabbed the woman's head and cut her artery open. Her eyes shot wide opened, hands reaching for the throat. Tiny noises of despair escaped her.  A familiar nausea grabbed hold of Genji. The eyes, the pattern of the blood, they were ghastly reminders. He tried to shake it off. Genji was just about to go to the next victim when he saw what was on the wall next to the bed. It was a picture of the woman holding her arm around a little girl.

 

An image of Makoto flashed in Genji's mind. He hit himself in the head. A scream came from behind him. The man on the bed from across had woken up. Quickly the other three got up. The one who had screamed jumped at Genji. Instinctively Genji cut him down. He forced himself back to action. Within the minute he had cut everyone down.

 

When all had fallen to the ground, he stopped moving. His mind screamed about Makoto. The imaginary noise blurred his vision. He stumbled and fell down. His head pulsated, it cluttered itself with more and more. Genji couldn't discern the thoughts properly. All he knew was that they were of Shizuo, I-Shang and Makoto. He wanted to bang his head against a wall. Several hits to the helmet wasn't enough. Genji had to bite his lip to avoid screaming.

 

¨We're done.¨

 

With a gasp Genji was thrown out of his thoughts. It was Jacques’ voice.

 

¨We're almost done,¨ McCree whispered.

 

¨Go back to the ship,¨ said Chepkemei.

 

¨Roger,¨ Monson replied.

 

¨Genji, update,¨ said Chepkemei.

 

¨Uh.¨ Genji's words got stuck in his throat.

 

¨You okay?¨ McCree immediately sounded worried.

 

¨They're dead,¨ Genji stammered, ¨I'll return to the ship.¨

 

¨Stay sharp, kid,¨ said Chepkemei.

 

Genji met up with Monson and Jacques on the way back. They smiled and waved. Stains of blood decorated their gear. During the time he forced himself to chat with them, he wanted to vomit. Back on the ship, Jacques gave Genji a wet towel to wipe the blood off his armor. He wouldn't express, but he was deeply grateful. McCree and Chepkemei returned thirty minutes later.

 

¨I've sent for clean-up crew,¨ Tuisko reported.

 

¨Good.¨ Chepkemei was always beaming when a mission had been successful.

 

¨Ugh, I gotta get tested for diseases,¨ Monson groaned.

 

¨Why?¨ Tuisko asked.

 

¨An artery decided to squirt on her teeth,¨ Jacques laughed.

 

¨Don't laugh! It's disgusting!¨

 

Genji was confused at their jokes. He was confused as to why he was confused. They had always talked like this. Now Genji felt angry. He wanted to tell them to shut up, to show respect for the dead. His own thoughts surprised him. He calmed himself down and took a seat furthest away from everyone. McCree gave him a look but Genji gestured him to not come closer. McCree nodded and went back to talking with the others. Uncomfortable, Genji fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Genji was back in Hedberg’s office for a check-up. They’ve been doing it frequently since his return. Every time she opened with the question ¨do you want to die¨. Genji understood the caution but it was starting to be overbearing. Like a teenager groaning at his mom, he answered the same every time. ¨No, I don’t.¨ He had to give Hedberg credit. She was more or less the reason why. After the follow-up questions, Hedberg turned quiet. She had an unsettling stern look.

 

¨Do you want to leave Blackwatch,¨ she asked.

 

Genji stared wide-eyed at her.

 

¨I can’t answer that,¨ slipped from his lips.

 

¨I won’t tell Reyes,¨ said Hedberg.

 

The curveball had hit Genji so hard he couldn’t muster up a response.

 

¨Me and Doctor Ziegler believe that you would be better off leaving this organization.¨

 

Hedberg went on explaining a plan that had been hatching since he came back. Genji couldn’t believe his ears.

 

¨Where would I go,¨ he asked, ¨there’s no place for me outside of Blackwatch.¨

 

¨You can build one,¨ Hedberg answered, ¨stay here, and you won’t get a chance at freedom.¨

 

She waited for an answer but Genji couldn’t offer one.

 

¨Think about it,¨ she said, ¨the offer won’t leave.¨

 

¨Yeah...¨

 

The way back to the sleeping quarters was wrought with thoughts. Genji could tell that the idea wouldn’t leave him for a long time. There was really only one counter-argument.

 

_I don’t want to leave McCree._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy the beginning of this chapter was hard to write. I had it planned from the start but I still managed to cry a bit when I wrote the scene.


	14. See you later, Cowboy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are expressed and a decision is made

Reyes made sure that Genji's life was repetitive. There was no room for thinking. He worked Genji harder than anyone else; sending him on more missions, training with other squads and gave him more paperwork. Genji's night routines were to first hang out with the team for as long as possible. When they went to bed he filed reports and when that was done he sparred with the training bots. He made sure to be so tired when it was time to sleep, that he couldn't properly form depressing thoughts. He woke up before everyone else, refusing to give his nightmares a second thought, and went to train again. The moments where feelings crept up on him were saved by Mila. She sat on his shoulder almost constantly.

 

The only "human" in the training hall was Genji. Accompanied with him were training bots and Mila. Genji had put up a rope hanging down with bells tied to it for Mila's entertainment. For himself he had lined up mats. He took a running start. As the bots fired at him, he jumped high into the air. He twisted to avoid the shots, somersaulted upon landing and threw a hail of shurikens at one of the bots. Genji cursed himself; the aim wasn't perfect. The bots turned off.

 

¨So this is where you've been.¨ A voice echoed from the entrance.

 

Genji tensed up and spun around with his arms ready. He felt embarrassed, giddy and annoyed at the same time when he saw that it was McCree. ¨What are you doing here?"

 

¨I was just curious how you spend your insanely early mornings,¨ said McCree and walked up to him. ¨And I was wondering if you needed any help.¨

 

¨What do you mean,¨ said Genji, confused.

 

¨You're working yourself too hard,¨ said McCree, "you'll collapse at this rate."

 

Genji realized where McCree was going and wanted to make a beeline for the door.

 

"Mind your own business."

 

"Damn, you back to being an asshole?"

 

Genji was for once frustrated that his face was covered because he had the most excellent unamused expression.

 

"I'm fine," he said, "I just want to make the most out of my time."

 

"Is that a fancy way of saying ‘burying my feelings’?"

 

"What? You want me to bawl my eyes out again?"

 

"No, just saying that things takes time to process-"

 

"What part of 'mind your own damn business' don't you understand? You don't even know what happened."

 

"Look, I killed my foster father."

 

Genji stopped. McCree had hit him with a bat.

 

¨You don't have to go that far,¨ Genji said in a frail attempt to keep appearances up.

 

¨No, just listen.¨ McCree was persistent. ¨He was a shit dad, abused me to hell and back, but it messed me up real bad when I shot him. I don't know the details but at least talk about it. At least let yourself feel bad about it.¨

 

Genji scoffed. "You think I blame myself? You think I feel sorry for poor auntie and uncle? Why don't you ask your daddy."

 

"What's that supposed to mean?" McCree didn't hide his sudden hostility.

 

¨It wasn't my fault,¨ Genji said, matter-of-factly. ¨I followed Reyes' orders. And I only did it because Ziegler rebuild me. And Ziegler only rebuilt me because Hanzo killed me. Nothing is my fault.¨ Genji hated that the anger was apparent in his voice.

 

McCree was taken aback. A flash of fear and discomfort appeared on his face.

 

"You done playing therapist," said Genji, wanting to end the conversation. It didn't feel good bad-mouthing people McCree loved. 

 

"I'm sorry." McCree's words trailed off.

 

Genji sighed. He wished for the safety of his bed.

 

"Let's eat breakfast," he said and walked passed McCree.

 

"Do you want to eat alone?"

 

"Yeah," said Genji, quietly, "thanks."

 

The walk to the food court was packed with stiff movements and being physically unable to look at one another. As soon as they got there, Genji quickened his steps. Fortunately, a few people stood between him and McCree in the line. When Genji sat down in his private eating corner and the buzz of the food court faded, he started to regret being alone. He remembered what name he had said earlier. It hit his chest with immense anxiety. Appetite was lost and all Genji could see was a tunnel. Everything was dug forth. Anxiety boiled and Makoto showed herself. Uncle may have deserved it, but Makoto still needed him. Hanzo was the one that truly deserved to die. "Die" was a kind way to put it. Genji would never be satisfied until Hanzo was lying in a puddle of his own blood. Yes, it was just as Genji had said earlier. It all boiled down to Hanzo. He and he alone was the downfall of the Shimada Clan. Whether it be because he can't handle an annoying brother or because he can't kill a man properly; it doesn't matter. All that mattered was that Genji had to finish it.

 

Genji didn't eat anything, instead he fantasized. When the bell rung, the thoughts weren't dispelled. Still immersed, he walked to the briefing.

 

Genji usually memorized every detail of information Reyes gave the team. Now he only took the bare minimum. The strike team were tasked with securing a facility. Capturing that specific point would restrict a lot of action from a terrorist group. While McCree, Chepkemei, Jacques and Monson sneaked in from the side, Genji was to go directly to the security room. His job was make sure no one contacted allies or that they erased the information Reyes wanted. Ultimately the team were going to prepare the place to become a Blackwatch base.

 

Despite being angry at him, Genji glanced at McCree. He was surprised by what he saw. McCree wasn't paying attention to the information, rather, he was looking intensely at Reyes. That unwanted suspicion in McCree's eyes made Genji happy. There was a perfectly good reason to kill Reyes, and Dr Ziegler as well. It would be too much of a pain but it was an interesting thought. He had had it before, but it felt different to think about it while calm. Either way, Genji still needed Reyes, and making McCree sad was not desirable.

 

As the briefing concluded and everyone left, Genji walked up to Reyes.

 

"Commander, can I speak to you privately?"

 

"Yeah, I've got a few minutes." Reyes dropped down on his chair, making himself comfortable as always.

 

"I'll go straight to the point, Commander. What do you plan to do about Shimada Hanzo?"

 

Reyes raised a brow.

 

"What do you want to do about him?"

 

"You know very well what, Commander." Of course Reyes wasn't going to give a straight answer.

 

"You're right, I do." Reyes shifted in the chair, figuring out what he should disclose and what he shouldn't.

 

"Oshiro, the FBI and the Japanese police are rounding up the rest of the yakuza. The search for Shimada is put on hold as he can't do anything. I'm sorry but I have no intention on having you look for him."

 

"How can you be so sure that he's powerless?"

 

"Considering that he hasn't tried to help his clan, I think it's safe to bet he's out of the game."

 

"Don't underestimate him."

 

Reyes gave Genji a no-nonsense look. "Remember that I decide what you do and don't do. It was beneficial for us both for you to go to Japan but now your personal interests doesn't align with Blackwatch's." Reyes stood up. "You have to find a different purpose." With those words he left, leaving a seething Genji. He slammed a fist against the wall.

 

_Then what the hell are you good for?!_

 

* * *

 

 

Out of spite, Genji wanted to spoil the mission. He wouldn't but he damn wished he could.

It was easy avoiding being seen and getting through the facility. He trusted McCree and the others to taken care of every terrorist he passed. The team had to wait until Genji had bypassed security. He hurried to the destination. One of the worst things he knew was to make others wait.

 

Genji put his ear against the door to the security room. Surprisingly, only one man was talking.

 

“No, I can’t come. It’s my daughter’s birthday.” The word “daughter” made Genji's stomach churn. “Why don’t we have dinner on the 24th?” Judging by the pattern of the pauses and that there were no other voices, the man was on the phone. Begrudgingly Genji had to wait.

 

“Ok, yeah, see ya,” the man said after two slow minutes.

 

Genji gave it an extra ten seconds before he burst down the door. Katana in hand, he jumped in. The man screamed and fell off the chair. When he saw Genji, he became nothing more than a scared rabbit. He seemed to be around forty, was fat, and had a receding hairline. He was a mere security guard. The man's reaction time was awful as it took 5 seconds before he reached for the control set. Genji dashed towards him and stabbed his arm. The man shrieked in agony. Genji reeled back at the shout and felt cold all over. In shock he watched the man grovel on the floor, tears streaming down his face. His cries hammered themselves into Genji's mind. He stood frozen before him. There hadn't been any intent to kill the man. Just capture him and-

 

_No, I can’t come. It’s my daughter’s birthday._

 

The man squeezed his arm in a feeble attempt to stop the bleeding.

 

_It’s my daughter’s birthday._

 

He started to pant, unable to take in the necessary air.

 

_My daughter._

 

Makoto's frightened expression forced itself to be remembered. Genji's stomach disappeared. The concept that a little girl would never see her father again used to be foreign. Now it enveloped Genji's whole world and it was an idea too heavy to bear. Genji rushed to the man, grabbed his arm and activated a biotic field. Any fabric in the wound was removed.

 

¨As soon as you're healed, run,¨ Genji said, ¨run and find some other shit to work with. Go to your daughter, prioritize your daughter, think only of your daughter. You understand?¨

 

The man didn't answer. He was scared and confused. Genji wasn't sure if he got any of the words. The cut healed quickly and Genji pulled the man up. He dragged the man to the door and pushed him forward.

 

¨Hide in the next room,¨ said Genji, ¨don't come out until four hours have passed. Understand?¨

 

The man stared with dumbfounded eyes.

 

¨Understand?¨ Genji raised his voice.

 

¨Y-yes,¨ said the man.

 

¨Then do it!¨

 

The man ran away. Genji went back to the control panel and plugged in an USB. The needed files were connected and started transferring. He impatiently tapped his finger. When the downloading was finally done, he connected a tiny device to the place's Wi-Fi. The button on it was pushed and a strong interference went through the network. The Wi-Fi had been rendered useless. No terrorist used mobile data as that was too weakly guarded. Having done his job, unease ate him from the inside out. It would come back and bite him in the ass, he knew that with certainty. It was okay, he knew he could handle suffering. A child however had no reason to face despair. He shook his head. Now it was just the mission that mattered. Genji messaged the others and it was go-time.

 

He joined the team in the battle. They caught the terrorists in complete surprise. When Genji drew his katana, he had to choke back a revolting feeling. When he cut down people, he had trouble looking at them. McCree and the others went about business as usual. It puzzled Genji emotionally, even though it made sense. He did his killing slowly. He dodged unnecessarily, his swings were heavy and he missed shurikens that he shouldn't have missed. When it was over, the team high-fived. McCree walked up to Genji to high-five him but Genji stared at the hand as if he'd never seen it before.

 

"Hey, don't leave me hanging." McCree feigned a pout.

 

"Heh, yeah, sorry." Genji high-fived him. "Just spaced out for a second there."

 

"Yeah, let's hope we can sleep on the way home."

 

McCree's smile was misplaced amidst the corpses.

 

* * *

 

 

"Holy shit, guys, wake up," said Monson.

 

Genji crawled into a ball beneath the cover.

 

"What? What is it," asked Tuisko, groggy.

 

"We're on the news."

 

Genji heard scrambling from beds but didn't care. It was probably something Overwatch had done that got praised.

 

"Unauthorized Overwatch activity has been confirmed in eastern Russia." Genji's whole body tensed up, his heart didn't seem to beat either. "A team has raided a facility, exterminating everyone. Only one managed to escape. They remain anonymous but sources confirms their story. They mention the use of omnics, models that haven't been seen before. It suggests that Overwatch are developing weapons of a higher scale. Strike Commander Morrison has yet to make a statement."

 

Genji felt as stiff as the metal covering his body. He saw his punishment clear as day before him. If Blackwatch were half as good as the Yakuza, Genji would be begging for death soon.

 

"Who the hell survived," said Tuisko.

 

Someone walked to Genji's bed.

 

"Genji," said Chepkemei. Her voice was enough to kill Genji. "What happened to the guy in the computer room?" She pulled away his cover. Mila jumped in front of Genji and hissed. He went for his mask but she pulled it from him. ¨Answer the question!¨

 

¨Hey, take it easy!¨ McCree took the mask from Chepkemei. ¨No need to be a dick.¨

 

Genji took a second to breathe. McCree handed him the mask and Genji deliberately let his fingers brush against McCree´s. Genji put Mila aside and stood up. All that could be done was to minimize the damage.

 

"I stabbed him. What else?"

 

"Did you confirm that he was dead,¨ said Chepkemei.

 

"He collapsed, didn't make any sounds and didn't move. So far I've hadn't to bother to check that."

 

"You shit head." Chepkemei towered over him. "Where did you stab him?"

 

"The... the stomach."

 

She smacked him in the head.

 

"Hey!" McCree put himself in-between them.

 

"That's plenty of time for him to contact HQ," said Chepkemei.

 

"He would've first have contacted the rest of the camp," said McCree, angry.

 

"I don't know how or when he contacted but he's the only one who could've done it." Genji was expecting Chepkemei to attack him any moment.

 

McCree was going to say something when everyone's phone dinged.

 

"We're called to Reyes' office," Jacques said carefully.

 

There was a tense stand-off between Chepkemei and McCree. She settled with cursing under her breath and shooting a glare at Genji. McCree didn't seem to have any intention of walking away from Genji. Genji put his hand on McCree's shoulder.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"It's not your fault." McCree's voice turned soft.

 

While panic reigned in Genji's body, he was also immensely happy for McCree's protection. Then Genji's eyes widened.

 

_Wait. This isn't going to screw McCree over, right?_

 

The walk to the Reyes was awful. Everyone they passed looked at them with judging eyes. It was a stream of endless whispers. The only thing that prevented people from openly insulting them was the respect of military rankings. Chepkemei looked like an explosion waiting to happen. McCree looked stressed beyond hell. One could see in his eyes how he desperately tried to make sense of the situation. Genji wanted to hug McCree and put him somewhere safe. He didn't deserve this.

 

When Chepkemei knocked on Reyes' door it opened without a word. He was sitting on his desk, quickly typing away on the computer. His expression was neutral.

 

"Incoming call from Senator Bates," a synthesized voice said.

 

"Send it to voicemail," Reyes said. His voice was calm, adding to an awful suspense.

 

The team stood in a perfect line before him. They straightened their posture and held their hands clasped behind their backs. Now more than ever, they upheld etiquette. Reyes finished whatever he was typing and looked at the team. He didn't show a single sign of stress, anger or worry. He was simply, as he always was, the calculating Commander Reyes. Genji was disappointed. It would've been fun to see Reyes panic.

 

"As you might know we're in deep shit," said Reyes, "now, do any of you have any goddamn idea on who could've leaked our activity?" Still, the tone of his voice was smooth.

 

Chepkemei opened her mouth, McCree shot her a lethal glare but in the end it was Genji that spoke first. He was going to make sure no one hurt McCree.

 

"It's my fault, Commander." Genji took a step forward and bowed deeply. "I didn't make sure that the guy in charge of the security cameras was dead."

 

"You didn't kill him?" Reyes asked. His level-headedness was terrifying.

 

"I stabbed him and dragged him to the side. He didn't move nor make any sounds. But he could've been smart and faked it." Genji just needed to stick to the lie and act like a responsible perpetrator.

 

"He's just taking responsibility-" McCree started talking.

 

"Quiet, McCree." Reyes shut him down. "Stand up straight, Genji." Genji did as he was told. "Where did you stab him?"

 

"The stomach.¨

 

"Why didn't you double-check?"

 

"I've never needed to."

 

Reyes sighed. He leaned on the desk and stroked his beard. A hundred things must've gone through his head.

 

"Incoming call from Strike-Commander Morrison," the synthesized voice said.

 

"Tell him to wait a few seconds," said Reyes. "Go write your reports, as detailed as possible. After that you're all on standby. No contacting the outside, understand?" That was the most harsh tone Reyes had had yet. "Nor say anything regarding the mission to other agents. In fact, just stay in your dorms. Now get going." Reyes gestured them to go. As he turned around, a hint of exasperation showed itself. Chepkemei started to walk and the rest followed her lead. McCree gave Genji a concerned look. Genji bowed slightly with his head by instinct. He didn't know how to say sorry.

 

* * *

 

 

Even when Genji was in his good graces, he was scared to be alone with Reyes. Genji hadn't heard anyone in Blackwatch getting severly punished but it was certain that he wasn't going away unscathed. With no McCree by his side, he felt like he was going to fall apart.

 

Reyes didn't look at Genji when he walked in, rather the computer screen. Reyes gestured Genji to take a seat in front of the desk.

 

"You wrote down everything that happened in the report?" Reyes asked.

 

"Yes, Commander."

 

"Hmm." Reyes stroked his beard. "Chepkemei's right. The security guard's the only possible survivor. Have you ever confirmed people's deaths?"

 

"In the beginning, yes. After that it just got tedious."

 

Reyes sighed. Genji felt tired just looking at him.

 

"Is that the only reason?"

 

Genji felt his stomach slowly turn into stone. "Yes. What other reasons are there?"

 

"I know that you're pissed at me."

 

With those words it felt like Reyes gave Genji permission to properly speak.

 

"Really now? What gave it away?" The pressure was released. "Did you finally realise that manipulating someone isn't going to make them like you?" Genji waited for Reyes to say something but he didn't. "Yes, I hate you but I haven't been acting as your mindless robot for a year to not be in your good graces."

 

"Even after I said you won't be going after Hanzo?"

 

"So you think I'm going to do something that'll get me locked up? Commander, I'm sorry for this shit but I didn't do it on purpose. Now would you please just punish me."

 

Reyes didn't say anything. Genji wanted to see guilt in his eyes but that was a far-fetched dream.

 

¨I'm losing my patience, Commander.¨

 

¨You may go.¨

 

Genji had to double-take that.

 

¨Sir?¨

 

¨You heard me.¨

 

Reyes faced his computer and started typing. Genji slowly stood up, waiting for Reyes to say something more. He walked carefully to the door. It felt like too much movement would break something. Finally outside the office, he leaned against the wall and let out a deep breath. Part of him wanted to go back in and finish his rant. Another part was terrified Reyes was cooking up something particularly painful for him. Although most of him was tired. He dragged himself back to the sleeping quarters, finding it easier to not care at all.

 

McCree walked up as soon as Genji stepped into the room.

 

¨You okay,¨ he asked, worried.

 

McCree's earnesty pained Genji. ¨Yeah. No need to worry about me.¨

 

Chepkemei was still looking at Genji with death in her eyes.

 

¨So,¨ said Tuisko, ¨was it you that messed up?¨

 

¨Tuisko,¨ Jacques exclaimed.

 

¨Yes, it was me,¨ said Genji. ¨I am deeply sorry for the trouble I've caused.¨ He bowed.

 

Chepkemei scoffed, Monson was unimpressed, Jacques nodded in appreciation and Tuisko rolled his eyes.

 

¨At least you realize the shit you´ve caused,¨ said Tuisko.

 

McCree wanted to say something, but he didn't find anything that wouldn't cause more friction.

 

Except for McCree, Genji didn't feel sorry for the team. Blackwatch was a messed up organization. It deserved to torn to pieces. Genji was tired of it and just as McCree couldn't find something to say, he couldn't make Blackwatch better for Genji.

 

* * *

 

 

Genji knew that he had no place in the outside world but he had no place in Blackwatch either. Reyes wasn't going to let Genji finish his job and McCree didn’t outweigh the negative anymore. Therefore, for the first time, Genji saw Ziegler and Hedberg as his key to freedom.

 

It had been a visit to Hedberg each week. It was annoying to constantly be questioned if he was suicidal or not. This time, however, was different. When she had gone through her usual questions, he went for it.

 

¨How would I be able to leave Blackwatch?¨ Genji tried to ignore McCree's image in his mind.

 

Hedberg was bad at hiding enthusiasm. ¨Me and Ziegler have prepared a case for you. It argues that you have earned the right to your own freedom.¨

 

¨But I haven’t,¨ said Genji.

 

¨You have. The research you’ve provided coupled with the people you’ve saved is more than enough to be considered a sentence served.¨

 

¨Saved,¨ Genji said, confused, ¨who have I saved?¨

 

¨Yeah, you never see them, do you,¨ said Hedberg, ¨Me and Ziegler aren’t planning to let you go that suddenly. You need some re-introduction to the normal world. We want you to work with Overwatch.¨

 

¨Am I going to pretend to be a hero?¨

 

¨It’s just for six months. You won’t be in the shadows anymore and you'll get accustomed to being more free.¨

 

Genji didn’t like it but he had to. If Hedberg was honest about him being more free, he'd get time to plan his final job. Saving money was also vital.

 

¨I’ll do it.¨

 

Hedberg smiled.

 

¨Why does that make you happy,¨ asked Genji, uneasy.

 

¨I care about your well-being,¨ she answered.

 

¨Huh.¨

 

Genji couldn’t help but to be suspicious. He knew it was an irrational feeling, not that his mind cared about being rational.

 

¨I’ll arrange a meeting with Commander Reyes,¨ said Hedberg.

 

Genji nodded. Internally, he was groaning and scared. Reyes was a worse obstacle than all of the UN.

 

* * *

 

 

¨Where were you this afternoon,¨ McCree asked at supper.

 

¨Training with another squad.¨ Genji didn’t feel like looking at McCree.

 

¨Damn, you’re cheating on us.¨

 

¨I’d never cheat on you, baby, you know that.¨ The words left a foul taste in Genji’s mouth.

 

* * *

 

 

It went surprisingly fast to arrange the meeting. Mere two days had gone since Genji had talked to Hedberg. Now when he was walking to Reyes’ office, he got cold feet. There was no way in hell Reyes was going to let him go. Given what Genji had said at their previous meeting, he was expecting something worse than a ¨no¨. The only thing that kept him going was because it would be rude to not show up, and that would probably cause further problems.

 

Ziegler and Hedberg were already there. They were all sitting by the desk and a chair was left for Genji.

 

¨Good morning.¨ Genji bowed before sitting down. The mere movement of lowering his head was enough to cause nausea.

 

¨So you wanna leave,¨ said Reyes. Genji almost yelped. Reyes' voice wasn't hostile but it was Reyes, he was always scary.

 

¨Yes.¨ The less Genji spoke the better.

 

¨I’ve read your case and I must say that Ziegler and Hedberg did a good job.¨

 

The doctors smiled.

 

¨Thank you.¨ Genji said and gave Ziegler and Hedberg an appreciative nod.

 

¨And,¨ said Ziegler, ¨what have you decided?¨

 

¨I’m letting you go.¨

 

Genji's face froze with big eyes. Then Reyes had something more to say.

 

¨On one condition. You're not allowed to hunt down Hanzo.¨

 

Genji's brow furrowed immediately.

 

¨I'll have six months on me to make sure you don't. I can tell you already that I you'll be prohibited to go to Japan.¨

 

Ziegler must've noticed that Genji was ready to go at Reyes like a bull. She put a hand on his and squeezed it. Genji withdrew the hand and looked annoyed at her. She shook her head.

 

¨You pissed,¨ Reyes asked.

 

Genji swallowed. ¨No, Commander.¨ The softness of his voice surprised him. ¨I am deeply grateful.¨ He bowed once again. ¨I promise I won't let you down.¨

 

¨Good.¨ Reyes' smile said everything. ¨Once the formalities have been settled, you’ll be transferred to an Overwatch base. Do you want to announce your leave to the team yourself?¨

 

¨Yes, please.¨ In reality, Genji did not want to say it himself. He just didn't want to act like a child and rely on Reyes.

 

¨Think of what kind of job you'll be able to do and where you want to go,¨ said Hedberg.

 

¨I'll probably send you to Numbani,¨ said Reyes.

 

Genji hadn't thought about it but of course he was going to be an omnic. How could freedom be so annoying?  He gritted his teeth. There were ways to slip through Blackwatch's eyes and he was going to find them.

 

¨I understand,¨ said Genji.

 

¨You can go now,¨ said Reyes.

 

Genji stood up and bowed one last time. He felt defeated. The one thing he had held on to the whole time was family. Was it too much to ask to see one's brother again?

 

* * *

 

 

Gabriel leaned back on his chair, put his hands on his head and groaned.

 

¨I can’t believe you convinced me to do this.¨

 

¨It’s the right thing and you know it,¨ said Angela.

 

¨You ain’t worried he’s gonna do something crazy?¨ Gabriel raised a brow.

 

¨If we keep an eye on him, he won’t,¨ said Louise. ¨I’m more worried about him taking his meds. I kinda want to call him every day and remind him.¨

 

¨He hates you too much to allow that,¨ said Angela.

 

¨Yep, that he does.¨

 

¨He was such a good agent.¨ Gabriel slumped forward. ¨But Japan took a toll on him. McCree has noticed that as well.¨

 

¨Is his performance worse,¨ asked Angela.

 

¨Yeah. McCree has said that despite Genji’s training, he’s sloppy on the field. And with what just happened, I can’t have someone that unreliable.¨

 

The doctors stayed quiet. Louise adjusted her glasses and Angela combed back her bangs.

 

¨I hope he stays in touch with McCree,¨ said Louise, quietly changing the subject.

 

¨Oh my god, that airhead,¨ Gabriel exclaimed. ¨Do you know how much I’ve had to see them flirt and not getting that the other one likes them?¨

 

¨Sounds like torture,¨ Angela said with a smile.

 

¨I’m used to it. There’s another couple who’s doing the same thing.¨ Gabriel smirked.

 

¨Yeah,¨ Louise chuckled.

 

¨Who,¨ asked Angela.

 

¨Eh, just two girls at Blackwatch,¨said Louise.

 

¨Oh, okay.¨

 

Gabriel and Louise exchanged knowing looks.

 

* * *

 

It was the usual buzz before lights out. Monson and Tuisko were playing games, McCree was watching a movie with Chepkemei and Jacques. Genji had declined watching with them. Everyone except for McCree were still giving him a disgust look. Mila was keeping him company on his bed as he pretended to read. He was actually staring at nothing with his heart beating too hard for comfort. McCree, Chepkemei and Jacques burst out laughing, making Genji and Mila jump. They were losing it at an emotional scene. The actor didn't seem to understand that more screaming and ugly expressions didn't warrant tears.

 

McCree had wonderful laughs. When entertained it's loud and unapologetic. It's enough to convince you that something unfunny is funny. When it's just Genji and McCree, he has that smooth and sultry chuckle that's enough to make Genji overheat. Sometimes when they ¨flirt¨ Genji manages to make McCree blush and he does this adorable giggle.

 

Genji put his head in his hand and sighed. What kind of idiot analyzes the different laughs of a man? That is, a lovestruck fool. Yet the feeling wasn’t as intense as before. There was never going to be anything between them. Staying in Blackwatch for McCree's sake was nothing but stupid.

 

¨Hey, I have something to say,¨ said Genji.

 

¨Hmm,¨ said Monson without turning away from the game.

 

¨It's important.¨ Genji stood up.

 

McCree paused the movie. He was looking far too concerned for Genji's liking. Now when he had their attention he couldn't go back.

 

¨I'm leaving Blackwatch.¨

 

Quiet. Tuisko paused the game. They looked like fish with their wide eyes and open mouths.

 

¨What?¨ McCree blinked with confusion.

 

¨Where are you going,¨ Jacques asked.

 

¨Probably Numbani. I've talked with to the Commander. I'm not needed here anymore so I'll take my leave.¨

 

¨You are needed,¨ said McCree.

 

¨Eh.¨ Genji got thrown-off. ¨That´s…¨

 

¨Good, you need the rest.¨ said Chepkemei. There was definitely a double-meaning to her words.

 

¨Wait,¨ Monson exclaimed. ¨Are you taking Mila with you?¨

 

¨Yes.¨

 

Monson looked like a child losing it’s best playmate.

 

¨Well, that's sad.¨ Tuisko didn't look at Genji. He was too emotionally inept for that. ¨But yeah, Chepkemei's right. You need to rest up to be that amazing agent again.¨

 

_I don’t want to be that._

 

¨When are you leaving,¨ asked Jacques.

 

¨I’ll first be transferred to Overwatch and work there for six months.¨

 

Monson chuckled. ¨Let’s see how much you’ll like hero work.¨

 

¨I can already say that I don’t care for it.¨ Joking around did make Genji feel better.

 

¨Dude, please make sure you get a poster of yourself,¨ said Tuisko. ¨Please become a media, ass-kissing hero.¨

 

¨Have you seen me? I’ll obviously get my own action hero.¨

 

Genji felt lighter. Then he saw McCree. Thoughts were racing through McCree's head. He looked surprised but also that he was begrudgingly accepting it. The question was now if Genji should avoid any private conversations with him.

 

* * *

 

Avoiding McCree didn’t go well. Genji saw him in the training hall the morning after the announcement. Genji picked up Mila, readying himself for the conversation.

 

¨Sorry to disturb you,¨ said McCree.

 

¨No, it’s okay,¨ said Genji.

 

McCree stood before Genji for a couple of seconds. He looked to the side and scratched his head. As if he was a school girl about to confess.

 

¨I’m...,¨ he said with a sigh. ¨You might’ve noticed that I’m worried about you. I just wanna ask if you’re going to be okay.¨

 

It hurt. McCree’s words, the tone of his voice, the earnest look in his eyes; it was too much for a horrible person like Genji. At the same time, it irritated him.

 

¨I’m not helpless.¨ Genji was glad that his voice wasn’t confrontational. ¨I need to get out of here. You don’t see it but everything here makes me sick. And...¨ Genji looked down, tightening his grip on Mila without hurting her. He gathered all his animosity and turned it into courage. Genji looked McCree in the eye. ¨I hate Commander Reyes. I hate Doctor Ziegler and Doctor Hedberg.¨ Genji had thrown a bomb. He anticipated the worst, but McCree looked defeated.

 

¨I know. I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I’m so sorry.¨ Genji probably imagined it, but he heard McCree’s voice crack.

 

¨Don’t...¨

 

_Please don’t care about me._

 

¨I’ll stay in touch,¨ said Genji. ¨I don’t wanna leave you completely.¨

 

A small smile crept forth on McCree. He had found a way to lighten the situation. ¨Can I snapchat you every hour,¨ McCree joked.

 

¨I want to see every deadeye you do,¨ Genji smiled.

 

¨And I want videos of Mila every day.¨

 

¨Keep me updated with what the team does.¨

 

¨Tell me how wonderful it is being in the ever-watching eye of the media.¨

 

They continued to joke. It was too tiring to keep it emotional. Genji still loved McCree. He didn’t need to throw that away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo sorry for the long wait. I've had a lot of trouble trying to tie everything together. I'm very unsure about this chapter but I hope you'll like it.


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